Tuesday, December 11, 2007

History of Sandwichs

I've actually never really liked food. I only eat it because I kind of have to. Well, at least that's what I've sort been trained into doing. If I was brought into existence in a world by myself with no other people to influence me, I don't think I would decide to eat food.

I found these sandwiches that are in plastic boxes. Being a fan of the sandwich, I decided to try it out. It was labeled "BEEF" because of the sandwich's flavor. This was a pretty basic sandwich. Some lettuce, some tomato slices, a bunch a beef, no sauce, bread not grilled or soaked in eggs or anything. After getting home, I opened up the container and took a bite of it and put it away. I only need one bite of any food for taste testing purposes. I'm not some robot that needs to keep eating sandwiches from now until the end of time.

[BEEF Sandwich]

Monday, December 10, 2007

Holiday Meal

I usually leave about a minute on the microwave oven at all times. It helps in emergencies and it also looks like a clock.

Since it's holiday time, I'm going to share a traditional holiday meal. Get one meat from your deep freezer in your cellar. You might want to let it thaw out for a bit. Next, peel some garlic cloves and onions. Chop them and fry it in a pan until the onions are a dark brown. Dump all this into your flavor injector and pump it into the core of your meat. Now that you have proper seasonings, put the meat into the microwave oven, and turn the rotary dial to 5 minutes or until done. Enjoy a classic meal!

Friday, December 07, 2007

One Hundred Ten Photographs.

I always think on things I see in front of me. Usually this involves food, but today, I found myself standing in front of the Library. It’s been starting to snow more heavily lately, so I felt a desire to head inside. I felt a bit intimidated, or maybe I suspected that it would be trespassing to enter through the great main doors, so I decided to enter through the underground tunnel instead of the front doors. I always wondered how the world is like for not-main-entrance-building-enterers, and I felt like this kind of person today. Like a not-main-entrance-building-enterer, I emerged into the building through a stairway from the bottom, worrying if I would lose my sense of direction and become lost. What really concerned me at the time was that I didn’t have my altimeter with me. This could quickly turn into a disaster if I wasn’t careful.

Along the hall were numerous doors leading to what must be incredibly small rooms. I started to wonder what they all could be used for, but I had to continue forward. I came to what I think was the center of the building. A stairway on the south went up to the second floor, and a large room was visible through an arch with a front desk positioned in the middle and some shelves lining the walls. I climbed to the second floor and saw a very similar large room on the west. I headed through it and took a moment to skim some books. After this, I took the west exit and the corridor heading north. It felt like a museum with various pieces on display on tables along the walls. Reaching the north stairs, I climbed to the fourth floor. I noticed that there’s this weird door to the west, it looked really heavy compared to the rest of the library’s doors, so I entered and immediately felt as if I had just walked right into a basement. The walls became dark gray. I felt like if I were to examine them closely, I would be able to find water leaking down them onto the floor. Some rooms were quite large, but were divided by walls made of chain fencing, with steep stairways heading to sections filled with piles of cardboard boxes. I found a rusty metal elevator along the wall, so I decide to ride it down to ground level. Along the ride, one Bruno Cecilson joins me.

“What’s that I see you have there, brother?”
“Oh, it’s my Bialosky Fixed-Focus Camera.”
“You’re still using one of those? Don’t you find the images to be grainy?”
“I find, in the right hands, it can turn out better photos than some of the latest gigapixel models.”
“Could you do me a favor? When you leave, take a photograph of the loftcube I saw on the roof of this building. I’ve never been able to actually find my way up there.”

Outside once again, from the south, I held out my camera, and took two shots of the top of the library. I decided on one to put on the website and gave the other to Bruno.

music to accompany the internote: Kraftwerk – Die Roboter.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

~Some Chomps~

I was at the make-your-own-sandwich sandwich bar, trying to think of a new sandwich to make for myself. Normally, I’m used to having other people make my sandwiches for me, then slice them and handfeed it to me. Naturally, because of this, I was having difficulties constructing a sandwich for myself on the spot. I sort of hesitated, looking at the various ingredients, then starting to move away from them, then glancing back again, reconsidering. In the end, I really didn’t want to have to deal with another incident, so I went to the custom orders booth and placed an order for a premade box sandwich thing. It arrived shortly due to telekinesis. I brought it home with me, and proceeded to eat it. It was pleasing to me well. There was also a packet of some kind of wasabi sauce stuff, but I stuck my nose up at it. I only eat real wasabi.

[premade box sandwich thing]

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Cöoldude Production

Here's a classic recipe for my homemade Crab Magoos: First, you'll want to prepare the filling, so dump some cream cheese in a bowl, then mix it with sugar, and half and half. Then add in an egg white or something and beat it until you get peaks. That's when you know it's done. Next, you'll want some tasty dipping sauce, so fill a saucepan with water, then add sugar, heat and dissolve it, then add corn syrup, and pour in some orange liquour. It might crystalize or something, I dunno, so try not to mess up. Lastly, you'll want to make the dough for the crab magoos. I don't know how to do this step.

We had tickets to attend a live production of Still Here With the Wind. It was okay entertainment I guess, but not especially memorable. After it was finished, we exited the second floor balcony, and descended what must’ve been a hundred feet stairwell to the main hall. My friend wanted to climb out of the wooden box to exit to the second level parking lot, so we had to wait about fifteen minutes for him to get through since his body isn’t as flexible as he thought it was. We got in our minivan and drive off to the east side of the complex, and accidentally got on a road that is currently under maintenance. The road, made of hollow bone-shaped rocks, started sinking into the lake, while the construction worker present kindly shouted instructions at us, inquiring what we thought we were doing. Luckily our minivan was able to make the climb back onto normal road, so we were heading north now, and made a stop off at a friend of a friend’s, the home of Lars Cooldude. He wasn’t home at the moment, so we had to break the door down to get in. We took this moment to look around Lars’s place, it was pretty nice. He seemed to be a pretty big fan of high class entertainment. We spent a while looking around, admiring various pieces on display, but then we turned around to see that Lars Cooldude was not gone, but he was standing there, staring at us, a breeze blowing about his mid-length wavy blonde hair and a slightly crazy look in his eyes, but maybe only crazy in that he seems to be showing no emotion. I started to back away from him, and I ended up at a door leading to stairs going up. At first I climbed slowly, but before I knew what had happened, I was running up a tower made of iron stairs with no walls or outer railings, and Lars was trailing behind me while reciting lines from various plays. I reached the top of the tower, out of breath, and I realized that I still need to pick up my key from the key molder above the garbage dump.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

The Fjordian House of Self-Feeding Åctivity

I wonder what ever happened to my other jar of nutella.

I was in the Fjordian House of Self-Feeding Activity, enjoying the different foods available for use. I was chomping on some cream cheese based sauces, when I decided to take a look behind me. I saw a man with orange hair wearing a weird gray sweater with a gray square tessellation with squares all over. I turned back around again. The only person I could see now was the Master of the Hall watching us. I questioned the orange haired man, “Do you enjoy eating ridiculous things?”

“My food preferences are not exactly like yours. I am not from the Fjord.”

I was worried about this man being here now. I started to sweat. Something was not right. “Master of the Hall, who is this man? Why is he here?”

“He comes from a people that grow sweaters from the ground, then consume the sweaters for nourishment.”

My arms were shaking at this point. “Orange Haired Man. You do not belong here. This is not your home. Please go back to where you came from.” The room stayed silent and the man stayed where he was.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

ßelt System of Deception Island

I fill my plate with garlic shrimp, then go to the fountain and pour into my glass coconut shrimp. I eye out a table and go to sit down. Something catches my eye and I glance away momentarily, but when I return to my meal I find it mysteriously gone. I head off to refill my portions of shrimp, but I experience the same shrimp disappearance a second time. My eyes open and the room is still dark. I walk to the fridge and open it. I notice I have some shrimp. It is all starting to piece together now.

Having been traveling for many days, I finally arrived at Deception Island. With intent to make use of it's Interphased Time Warp Facilitator with Thorium fuel cells, I approached to be blocked by none other than the original member of the SGA - Brosepf Strongbottom.

~"You young folk of the current SGA, huh? You don't know the first thing about real class! Back in the day, we used to be truly classy at the association. I'll have you know some of our activities and shenanigans..."~

I zoned out and my mind began to wander into space, to the belt system, pondering the mystery of Beltman then returned to some awareness at a later time to hear part of Brosepf's story.

~"...help you? Maybe for some chocolate and marshmallow sandwiches. huh... Anyway, when I was thinking about food alot, I had to go watch Comrade X. Then I got all riled up and went into the basement and did arts and crafts. We ended up with a settlers of catan board game. It was pretty cool. What was not cool is that we only had 3 people and we needed 4 for that particular game. So the next day, we got all riled up again and did more arts and crafts. Anyway, we were all upset since the dvd player wasn't working so we ended up playing board games again. So then we went somewhere and watched Hercules: Unchained. Long story short, we got all riled up and cooked an old timey dinner. It was grand. Actually, I don't want to talk about it... well... I just opened up a can of pineapple slices and mandarin oranges...."~

Thinking of fruits like Pineapples, Mandarin Oranges, and Durian really took me back. The Fjord was such a peaceful place... but I came back to awareness of my surroundings once again and asked, "so that's it? Nice story, now pass me a brew-dog."

~"...huh? I'm not done with the story yet. The next part is that we got so riled up that the four of us stopped doing arts and crafts, and instead started power team reading novels. Then they discovered that I wasn't reading my part since I was busy looking at myself in the mirror and doing my hair all the time. They knew I was going too far when I had decieded that it was better to burn off hair than shave. They tried to stop me, but I had escaped. I ran down alleyways, collecting discarded bags of charcoal. I got two bags of the ones presoaked in lighter fluid, it was pretty sweet. I couldn't get a fire going though, since I don't have a Zippo, so they caught me and tried to bring me to the plasma tv, since they suspected that my problem was massive blood loss. I was behind on my required reading, there was only one choice: I had to read aloud chapter 6 of the US Army Survival Manual. This time, I got lucky and it was pretty short, it was just about edible plants and the universal plant edibility test. But I started looking at the pictures at the end and I realized something terribly important: I finally learned what to do with those weird things in my kitchen after seeing "bananas are edible". We were all pumped up then, so there was only one thing left to do: continue hunting for free stuff with the legendary rat pack. We couldn't complete the scavenger hunt for bike enthusiests, but we found a free ganglion. There was no reason to go back home yet as the drunk volleyball game wasn't over. Oh, it's ok though, they were playing volleyball right in front of their houses. They even had a permit for it. So we set out west to see how far we could get before turning back. But, there was a metal grating door in the way since we were too early and the journey west had to be cut short. Anyway, I had to separate from my buddies because I had to complete a personal quest of mine: to learn what is and how to make a french braid. I gave up though because I couldn't imagine a way to end a normal braid without it unraveling itself. I guess braids are just not a realistic thing after all. Having rejected the braid and then stopped believing in the comb, I had to search for my buddies again, but it would be difficult since they were already back at the SGA. The best way to locate them was to head to the center of town, since all roads lead to bones. On the way, I saw that crazy guy who's always everywhere - the man in the yellow questionmark suit. He started shouting his catchprase, but it was ineffective since there were no taxcollectors present. Then we all realized the true importance of the world: Belts in Space..."~

Having caught my attention, I had to speak up, "Wait! Belts in Space?! So that means you too... Hmph, no, it couldn't be. Is there a real point to this story?"

~"ok. maybe there wasn't a point... yet. Let me try to get to one. We sat at the city hall, and began weaving up a storm... of a quilt."~

Now, I knew he was being ridiculous. "I don't think you weave a quilt, Brrraaaahhhhhh."

~"And that's why you won't get the point. Anyway, we had to go to the street market because we needed extra phaser debris. Then there was a cave with a forest inside and a silver whistle with which one would summon Captain Nemo to fight the Communists. After that was over and done with, we split up because we couldn't deal with the smoldering meshes of ash and blood and death. Being emotionally spent, the best place to retire to was the mental hospital, but sadly, it was destructed some years ago, and was now a yard of various rocks, saltpillars, and stuff. To travel there, I had to use my prescient ability to see the correct road and aviod a nexus. Naturally, the best place to do this is in the back of a moving bus, so I tranced and entered the past. This was highly traumatic for me and I was trapped in 12 years ago. Shards of coloured glass were scattered about the floor. The only thing I knew to do was to collect them..."~

I sort of blacked out after this, and when I awoke again, Brosepf was not in sight.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

ßandwich βtory

I open my eyes after having lain down for a few moments. My vision is still blurry. I look at the clock, it reads 12:00, but as I stare for a few moments, I see 4:30. All of my chocolate milk has just expired.

I went to this one house, they were having some sort of party or something. But the line for food was really long. And there was this guy who apparently didn't want the food he took, so he was trying to pass off his plate to other people. What a jerk. Why would I want the food he took? And there was this ridiculously huge dinner roll on it too. It didn't look like a good one either. Looked really hard and stale. So anyway, they had beef sandwiches at the food table. I guess that's kind of what you have to expect at these things. Looking back, I should've dipped the dinner roll into the beef juice, that would've made everything all better. Only thing was though, I'm not sure I would have had the time or nerve to perform such a maneuver, especially with such stressful conditions. Looking into that bowl of beef in juice... it can really get intimidating. Everything almost stops moving, and it feels like I'm looking back on my life. All my previous beef sandwich experiences. Back in the day, I used to go to the shop and order the beef juice sandwich. It was a lot cheaper than the real thing, but you still get most of the good parts. The bread soaked in juice is really great, even without beef. I wish, I could be back there, but it no longer exists. I have to return to the reality set in front of me. I take the scoop and just place some beef into my bread, not bothering with the juice. I guess I couldn't handle having a juice heavy beef sandwich at the time. After I got back, I notice my sandwich is hard to eat, since it is kind of on the dry side. So anyway, overall, it was really boring, everyone just sat down at chairs placed around. And since there were no tables, it was awkward to handle the plate and the food you want to eat at the same time.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Aktuelles Sandwïch

It has come to my attention that the sandwiches I've had so far have all been dreamt up next to the fridge, being composed of whatever various things I happened to see at the moment. So I decided that I should go, and see what other people do when it comes to sandwich-making-time. When I thought of sandwich shop, the first place that came to mind is Hero's Submarine Sandwich Shop, but that's not available here, so I went to a place called Jimmy John's. When there, on recommendation, I ordered one of the sandwiches with roast beef, since I enjoy putting roast beef into my mouth, chewing it, then performing a swallow to place its location to my stomach. At Jimmy John's, this sandwich is called a #10 Hunter's Club.

[Brofessional Sandwich]

It has, according to the menu, 1/4 pound of medium rare roast beef, provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise. One thing I notice is that the bread tastes kind of like there's no substance to it, as a hot dog bun or something. I don't know, though, if all sandwiches are generally made like this, or it's just these kinds.

[Sandwich after some Chomping]

My review of this will be in comparison to previous sandwiches I have eaten: the peanutbutter/nutella/jelly saltine and the Cheez-IT. This is the best sandwich ever.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

The Lëgend of Speaker Mountain

The following takes place at (80)0929234537

The spirit of GalaxyBeltman reached out from the Belt-Pineapple Plushie and entered my mind and spoke as I meditated that night. "You must know your true purpose, the one that you will decide for yourself through your own free will of accepting of what I say as predetermined destiny! To be able to know Speaker Mountain, you must first know of the origins of Speaker Mountian and its past!"

Suddenly, I found myself away from the unpleasantness of my situation with the SGA, and was nearby the great Speaker Mountain. The mountain brought memories of my father to my mind and I recalled what I needed to know - the secret to the evil speaker corrupting the Mountain. I climbed on top of several speakers, including Infinity Reference Standard V's, Acapella Audio Arts, Acoustic Research AR-9s, and Ohm Walsh F original series. I took a moment to appreciate those since they cannot exist in the present. And finally I found it, the Bose speaker. I brushed the dust aside above the 'o' and discovered a sideways ':'!!! How secretly evil!

I woke up from my meditation having learned the terrible secret. Too afraid to do anything, I stared into the sky all night, shivering, trying to think of more peaceful times back at the fjord....

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Important Meëting at Gentlemen's Association

Some of the times and dates when events are taking place are a little ridiculous, so because of this I thought I'd tell you all about my personal feelings and emotions regarding what I figure to be accurate accounts of frue events that will teach people how to live their lives better through studying ancient culture.

Making the journey to Speaker Mountain is very tough, and might take all night and day, so first I decided to stop by my local Strongbottom's Gentlemen's Association. There is always plenty of activity there, such as lifting of large triangular weights. I was about to go and see Strongbottom to get enlightenment about the journey, but I was distracted by the sauna room. I just couldn't resist the idea of a relaxing sauna with gentlemen. I discussed business, politics, beards, and manly affairs with Bruce, Mortimer, Matsam, Bruno, Lance, Julian, and Chuck. Afterwards, we all went out, drank each thirty-eight quarts of beer and ate eight pounds of salted pork. I had to sneak out early so I could eat my Shigekikkusu Jet Mega IQ Sour Gummi. I couldn't let the guys see me eating those as it's not all so manly of a thing to eat. I was feeling all pumped up, so I put on four belts, three about my waist and one on my arm, and went to see the Strongbottom of our Association. He spoke, "I know what you have been doing secretly! Shigekikkusu Jet Mega IQ Sour Gummi! For shame!" I thought, "But...! How...?!" And he knew my thoughts and explained, "Have you forgotten? The watchful muscular eye of Steve Reeves sees all! You have brought shame on yourself! Come back when you once again realize the true way of the Gentleman!" I was feeling pretty down at this point, so I headed back home and meditated about what I had gotten myself into. I had thought that the Gentlemans' Association would have made getting to Speaker Mountain a shoo-in, but there is something else important that I must first learn. I stared at my Belt-Pineapple Plushie and my mind once again wandered into space. What would the great Belt-Man do?

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Zero Invörstigation

I don't have any more food stories at the moment, so here is a traditional story about Souffle Fjord.

Indignation! Well, as I say, call me steak and stick a fork in me, because I'm on the lime gelatine. I think that about sums up that issue. Here is progress on... my journey to speaker mountain. I got up early, put on a belt, then put on two more belts, then I stopped and started thinking about space for the rest of the day. I'll have to try to go there again tomorrow as today was... well, I can't say it was a total failure since I did spend a lot of time thinking about space. I also have to figure out solutions to my beard dilemma. That is, the lemma of the beard being there, and the lemma of the beard not being there.

[Director's Cut]

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Food Experiment

I've had Cheez-It and Cheese Nip crackers, but I've never really examined the properties of each that make them unique.  After having tasted both kinds of cheese crackers within a short span of time, I believe that Cheez-It has a much more X-TREME cheese flavor, while Cheese Nip is better at being much more toned down and cracker flavored.  Cheese Nips also seem to have burn spots strewn.

I wasn't satisfied with these results so far, so I decided to use more rational methods to reach my answer: I invoked the scientific method to my cause.  This of course meant that I would be performing a food experiment.  I then went to work on assembling a sandwich using the two kinds of crackers...

[Food Experiment Setup]
[sandwich in detail]

Conclusion: I can make a ridiculous mini-sandwich out of Cheez-It and Cheese Nip crackers.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Sandwich Idea

For exciting times, follow this formula (note that this is not for a souffle, and not for cooking a steak either):
Have two crackers, either saltine or graham work fine.  Probably just about anything will work fine.  Spread peanut butter/nutella on one  side and fluff/jelly on the other.  Combine.

[Sandwich Result]