Saturday, October 31, 2009

Candy Blood

I got a chance to try this Halloween themed candy at some point. [sentences removed for adding nothing to the post] Anyway, it was taking forever to finish eating this thing - I had been going at it for a couple hours, and all the while, the candy blood was giving me this awful burning feeling in the back of my throat. It was also way too sweet. I ended up not eating all of it and having fun refilling and emptying the pouch with water at the sink. At some point later on, I found out that there was supposed to be like 50 servings of candy blood in it, so maybe that had something to do with it.

[Here is a better picture]

Since it's Halloween themed, I'm changing the post date to October. This may or may not be related to the fact that there was no internote in October.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Fried Eggiwegs

I had a bunch of eggs, and since the first thing that comes to mind is to smash them, I started frying eggs in a pan. I smash them open on a flat surface because that seems to work best for me. But since my stove is electric and I had never used one before in my life, I had some problems with frying them at first.

Electric stoves don't make any sense! It's all a flat surface and then it turns red in color on the one spot and gets super hot somehow. Except that you can have your pan sitting on there for like 5 whole minutes and it still won't have reached some sort of temperature equilibrium. I had the dial at number 6 at first, and it felt like it wasn't hot enough to cook anything, so I turned it up to the max, and things were cool for a bit, but then it was way too much! I would butter the pan and before even a second could pass, the butter burned up. I guess in the end, my strategy was to turn the dial to the max, and try to get all my cooking done in that moment of time while it's still getting hotter, but before it's crazy ridiculously hot.

This is what they looked like once I got better at cooking them. I cooked most of them easy over, and after I got the hang of it, I was able to go through a half dozen eggs without breaking any of the yolks. And before eating them, I poured on some barbecue sauce and cock sauce because those make it taste great.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Canned Sardines

I've never had the guts before to eat weird canned fish stuff, although I guess I do love to eat smoked oysters a lot, so I decided to eat canned sardines. King Oscar seems like a really classy guy, so he can't be wrong about flavor. I picked the sardines that were in tomato sauce instead of just oil or water or whatever the other ones were. It just felt like tomato was the only real choice for it.

They smelled really bad at first, but then when I started eating them, I couldn't get enough! From now on, I will associate the smell with excellent flavor.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Foods that are better not crispy

This is a list of foods that I prefer to be flaccid:

- pizza (sometimes)
- taffy
- beef jerky
- souffles
- lunch meats
- gelatin
- soft cheeses
- ramen (sometimes)
- cookies
- bananas
- pop tarts (no wait, I think I like these more crispy)
- bacon
- pears

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Corned Beef Hash

I haven't updated in a while and if I don't update at least once per month, the boss is gonna really give it to me.

[Corned Beef Hash Photo 1]

[Corned Beef Hash Photo 2]

It tasted a lot better than I thought it would and I ate all of it. I accidentally broke my egg though. I think the beef got kind of crispy on the edges but I can't remember (I ate this like 5 years ago (a few months ago)).

I rate this food item 2 out of 2.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Chinese Food Pizza

I had a great idea for a new pizza, so I had to make it. This is like the last pizza, but instead I used fried wantons, fried rice, mongolian chicken, princess beef, and ho fun. I was thinking it might turn out to be a real mess, but it was really great, even if it was tough to eat the fried wantons on there.

[Pizza Picture 1]
[Pizza Picture 2]
[Pizza Picture 3]
[Pizza Picture 4]

Here is food description paragraph #2: I cook these pizzas for about 15 minutes because I have determined that to be the correct amount of time to cook a pizza. The cheese was melted perfectly, and it was super tasty. I was thinking about pouring cock sauce on it, but the princess beef was already spicy, so I figured that department was taken care of. Now that I look back though, I think it needed more cock sauce.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Hamburger Pizza

I heard on the internet of pizza with hamburgers on it, so I had to try it for myself. Other people might be suspicious that this kind of pizza is disgusting and gluttonous, but I had a feeling that it would taste great.

I got double cheeseburgers because I felt that the hamburgers were on the thin side anyway. I only used half of the burgers and fries I got on the actual pizza, the rest was eaten while it was baking.

[Pizza Ingredients]
[Pizza Construction]
[Pizza Unbaked]
[Pizza Baked]
[Pizza Sliced]

I think it turned out great - the fries ended up being like cheesy fries, which is awesome, and the hamburgers weren't as hard to eat as a pizza topping as I expected. The sauce was mushroom pasta sauce and at first felt like it would be a bit too runny on the pizza, but it turned out to not be a problem at all. One thing I might change when I try this again would be to remove the bottom of the hamburger, since it just ended up soaking up a bunch of sauce and getting mushy - not that I really minded anyway.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Huge Big-Sandwich Internote

I was looking through the offerings of Fat Sandwich Company when I came across a single item that cost 25 bucks. It was called the Big Fat Ugly, and the ingredient list had a huge description of a bunch of meats, so I naturally assumed this had to be some kind of sandwich sampler option, where I get to taste a variety of sandwiches from the place. I had to order this, and when it was delivered a short time later, I was somewhat shocked to realize that it wasn't a sampler, but everything just tossed into one sandwich and wrapped in foil.

[Big Sandwich - detail]

I knew this was too much for me to eat alone, so I cut it in half and shared.

[Big Sandwich - bisection]

It's really difficult to eat this like a normal sandwich. I tried one bite that way, but then changed my strategy to eating my way from the top to the bottom using a fork, going through layers of meat, fries, onion rings, and jalapeno poppers. Most of it was pretty good. I liked the bunch of fries even though it seems like filler and was a bit soggy from ketchup and mayonnaise. All of the meat was great, except for the hamburgers. I felt those were really plain-tasting, but I supposed that was my fault for not biting into it along with a bunch of other random things at the same time. Identifying what I was eating at the moment was a bit of a challenge. I should have kept a checklist, because some of the foods said to be in the sandwich I think went unaccounted for in my eating of it.

I took my time working my way through it, and I finished (half of it) in about an hour. I hear they have a challenge where if you eat one in 15 minutes, you get it for free, but I'm not going to be trying for that - I'm not a glutton.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Subway Sandwich Experience

I was told that I should be ashamed of myself for having the quality of liking to eat food and not ever having eaten a Subway sandwich shop sandwich, so because of this, I visited a Subway sandwich shop I saw in front of me.

When I first walked in, I felt it was a foreign environment - I didn't know what to do to make my purchase. I was somewhat familiar with how the store works: I'm supposed to yell at the workers until they put together ingredients that correspond to the words coming out of my mouth. I was kind of nervous about this, so I stood back for a while and hoped I would see someone else make an order first as a demonstration. A person was at the cash register at the moment, but I wasn't sure if that was because I was supposed to go there first, or they were at the end of their food transaction. While I was waiting, I looked up at the back wall, hoping to see some sort of menu with prices, but I wasn't able to really identify one, and at that moment, one of the workers asked if I could be helped. I decided I would be real cool about it and act like I knew what I wanted already, so I said I'd like a meatball sub. I know exactly what I want. I'm in charge. I've had meatball subs at other places and I didn't think there was a lot of room for messing up ordering this one. I forgot to mention what type of bread I wanted, like I always do, so I quickly replied back "wheat". But they were out of wheat! I was caught off gaurd. The worker went through a list of three different breads that were available. Some of them sounded like they were cheeses and not breads, and although I love cheese and think it's really great, I went with white. At this point, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to just start firing off commands of what should be done to it, so I stayed quiet and just started eyeballing some of the ingredients. The next question was what kind of cheese I wanted on it. I wondered for a split second what would happen if I said I didn't want cheese, but I just said provolone since it's a good cheese all around. After that, I was asked if it should be toasted. Toasted..? I bet that would take like half an hour to do! I didn't have that kind of time to be standing here (actually I did), so I said "no".

The worker put the sandwich down at this point and left it there, I guess so it could wait for the next worker to take care of it, like a production line. I few seconds passed and I didn't know what I should be doing, so I looked to my side and saw another person was starting to make an order and I watched that for a bit. I started wondering if maybe the sandwich could have been toasted in this amount of time it was waiting there. But then my attention was called back to the sandwich making process by the next sandwich shop worker. What did I want to be done to the sandwich now? I didn't know what to say! Isn't the meatball sub already done? There are meatballs on it, sauce, and some cheese. I don't know what else goes on a sandwich. I had to think back to that other meatball sub I had for ideas. I remembered (or fabricated a memory, I'm not sure) that there were onions it, so I looked around for onions in the ingredient trays. I couldn't find any. I didn't want to ask for something I didn't think they had, and I didn't want to look like I didn't know what I was doing, so I named one of the ingredients I saw which I knew I was familiar with: green peppers. Those probably go well on a meatball sub, and they might even have actually been on the last one I ate. I was doing well, but I needed to have at least one more ingredient to appear to be a sandwich ordering master. I saw some jalapeno pepper slices nearby, but I wasn't confident enough to call them that, so I just pointed to them and said real cool-like, "yeah, and some of those hot peppers. That'll be all."

I managed to avoid appearing like I didn't know what kinds of things go on a sandwich, but I saw now that my sandwich was going to be wrapped and placed in that little newspaper size sandwich bag all by itself. I couldn't have that! I needed something else to go in it too, or else all my hard work of ordering the sandwich would have been for nothing and I'd fail to impress the sandwich shop worker with my skill. I remembered back to when I was in high school and my friend bought a ton of Subway cookies, so I requested that I have a double chocolate chip cookie to go along with it. I'm not some shmuck who orders just a sandwich! I was feeling pretty good of myself, and was about to leave when I heard the person behind me in line order some sort of combo deal. A combo deal?! Why didn't I know to order that? At this point I started thinking that the sandwich shop workers knew all along that I had no idea what I was doing. I wasn't fooling anybody. It was okay though, because I had a sandwich.

I don't know if the sandwich tasted like the greatest thing in the world, but I was pretty hungry so I liked eating it a lot. I wasn't really in the mood though for the hot peppers, though. I shouldn't have ordered those, but it had to be done. In the future, I think I would much rather just be able to be at a sandwich shop and simply say "meatball sub" and be done with it.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Souper Meal Review

This is the Nissin Souper Meal. Here are my thoughts on it in bullet point form in attempt to minimize risk of conveyance of my thoughts being influenced by language use and to prevent any humor as a result of a clever language use, because I feel writing an analysis in paragraph form distracts a reader from the actual information and ideas present and restricts everything to rules held by language and expectations about how language should be written. I have no intention of misleading a reader through use of a flowing writing style.

- The cup is shaped so that it is larger at the top and smaller at the bottom. Clearly, this is because of how when people eat food, they tend to be hungry for about 90% of what they see in front of them. While eating this, the person will then initially be deceived into thinking there is slightly more food than there actually is and therefore be hungry for the amount of food that the cup actually contains.

- The name of the product, "Souper Meal" at first appears to be misspelled, but the reason for it being written this way is actually the word "Souper" is a french word, meaning "to have supper", so by reading the title of the product, you are being commanded by its designer to eat this meal for supper.

- By putting "Meal" as the latter word, the designer is trying to make a point about man's need and desire for food as an end.

- The picture of the cup of instant noodles on the front of the label shows it in a way that I am not used to seeing it - ready to eat and with large floating words on top.

- The general layout of the design elements shows an artistic liveliness and conveys a message about food that no other food item package design to date has yet done.

- The Souper Meal tastes all right.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Bad Sandwich Experience

Normally when I'm at a food place, I like to order the biggest size of a food available. It's because I'm an important person. So when I was at a sandwich shop last week, I ordered two of the large sub sandwiches. One was a hot meatball sub, and the other was a cold sub. The plan was that I would eat the hot one there and take the cold one with me. I didn't get any drink with it because drinks are for suckers. I sat down to eat my sandwiches and listen to other people make their orders, because I like to eavesdrop on business transactions. About half a dozen people made orders, and I noticed that they were all ordering medium size sandwiches, not large. This was making me really nervous. Maybe everybody knows something about sandwich sizes that I don't. I'm relatively new at eating sandwiches here. I've only done it maybe five or six times in all. I don't quite feel part of the sandwich shop subculture. I started thinking that maybe the large and medium size are the same size but the price is a lot higher. Afraid that everyone but me was in on one big joke, I wrapped up the other half of my second sandwich and got out of there. (Oh, my plan had changed at one point: at first I was going to not eat the second sandwich at all, but then I decided I'm a big guy, I should eat both of them right then and there.)

So now today, I was back at the sandwich shop again. I knew the secret code this time. Nobody would laugh at me. I looked at the guy taking orders and told him I wanted two medium subs (one was bacon, the other was bits of steak or something). I felt pretty good about myself, like we had just become best buddies. I could rely on him and tell him all my secrets. We shared a deep telekinetic link. But then, I looked forward for a bit and saw the line of people at the drinking fountain. They had these huge clear plastic cups. You can't get a cup like this if you order a small or medium drink. I turned back to the cash register and saw a stack of them, then quickly added onto my order one large drink. He gave me the big cup and I took it right over to the drink fountain. Now, I know the secret about drinking fountains; I'm not stupid. Ice takes up a lot of space and ends up watering down the drink, so if you put ice in your cup, you lose at drinking fountains. I knew the plan, but then as I was about to fill the cup with tea, I started to get nervous. What if they catch me not using ice? I'm supposed to be on the sandwich shop's side now. My new best friend certainly wouldn't think highly of my actions. So I compromised and put in a small amount of ice cubes, against what I knew was right. Still being nervous, I messed up big time on selecting a top for the cup, taking the one for the medium cup instead. I quickly took it off and tried to shove it under the drink stand. I don't think anyone saw. I took the largest size one next and it fit. But now I had another problem: there were two selections of straws for me to choose from. Being nervous still, I took the ones in the opaque paper covers since I'm more comfortable with straws coming that way, but at the last second I suspected that the ones in the clear covers were longer and meant for my large cup. It was too late though, I couldn't go back. I had already made too many mistakes here. My next move was to sit down so that I would appear as a customer who was planning on eating in the shop, not taking the food somewhere else. It's important to know how to correctly broadcast social signals. As my sandwich is called out by the employee that made it, I made sure to ignore the first call. I didn't want to seem too eager to have the sandwich. I'm a pretty cool dude. I don't need the sandwich. After the second call of my order, I got up, took my sandwiches and returned to my seat. When I unwrapped them, I was totally shocked. They looked so tiny and not bursting with meat! I was so embarrassed! Here I was with these wimpy sandwiches not befitting of a great sandwich eater like myself, and a ridiculously large drink to go with them. I managed to enjoy the sandwiches as best I could under the circumstances, and ran out of the store, ashamed of myself.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Chili Ramen

Eating ramen instant noodle packets is a pretty cool thing to do. It became even cooler when I figured out that you're supposed to add hot water so the noodles become soft like real noodles. Recently, I tried replacing the water and flavor packet with a can of chili. This is pretty good, since it makes me feel okay about eating a can of chili, but I need to still add a bit of water to get the noodles hydrated fully. Oh, and an important ramen rule: always use two packets of noodles. One packet isn't enough, since food is good and you should want to eat a lot of it. Also, the can of chili wasn't very spicy, so I had to dump in a lot of cock sauce. In the end, I found this to be an interesting way to eat ramen noodles. I rate it 2 out of 2.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A Hungry Man is an Angry Man

Microwave dinners usually have crazy instructions on them for me; that I should cut slits, remove the plastic, stir some of the contents, replace the plastic, let it sit for a minute, then microwave it again. It's really ridiculous, so usually I just take a fork or knife and poke a few holes over the foods it mentions then microwave it once and that's it. The Hungry-Man dinner I just ate had a bunch of crazy instructions like this (remove the brownie..? how is that even possible without smashing it up into bits?), but that was just the beginning.

I was able to successfully do a lazy job of heating it up, though the potatoes were still frozen at the middle, but I ate it just the same. This dinner was fried chicken flavor, but even though I knew chicken has bones in it, I still was able to convince myself that a microwave dinner is a lazy food and I could just pick up the chicken and bite into it without worry. Now, I think bones are funny, but inside food I'm eating is one of the places they shouldn't be, especially for a microwave dinner. After I had stuffed the whole piece of chicken in my mouth, I had to remove a dozen small bone pieces. It was unpleasant! I don't even feel full after eating this. Hungry-Man dinners are supposed to be the last word when it comes to getting two thousand calories in one meal and being done with food for a while, but I know I could eat about four more of these right now at least! I used to think that when a frozen meal says "Hungry-Man" on it, that meant something.

All I'm left with now is a pile of bones.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Book in Print

I forgot to update when the book first arrived, but it is done and I have got my hands on a few first edition copies of it. These things are so rare that if you went into any bookstore and asked if it's in stock or could be ordered, they'd look at you as if you were a crazy person. Here is a photo of what the book looks like:

[Photograph of Fjordian Book]

As you can see, it's really a good book and it should be your personal guide on how to live your life.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

The Zeefer Madness Book

The Zeefer Madness Book is now complete! This exciting revisioning of the popular ZeeferMadness internote contains the exciting conclusion to the Souffle Fjord story, two never-before-seen lost entries of food stories, new animal time internotes, along with a professional commentary by the Doctor! I would like to thank all my loyal readers for making this possible. Without you, none of this would be. Pick up you very own copy at bookstores near you!* The internote may/may not be resuming it's regular schedule.

*The ZeeferMadness book is not currently available for public purchase.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Canada Snacks Tasting

I recently got my hands on some snacks that are from Canada. I've never seen these before in my life until now, and I'd like to share my thoughts.

[Photo of Foods]

Passion Flakie - On the lower right section of the photo. They have a pastry like outside that's flaky. The inside was white cream and fruit stuff, which tasted really similar to Little Debbie's Strawberry Shortcake Rolls. I had a conversation with an associate about them:

"It looks like something you would put in the toaster."
"You don't need to toast it."
"But it looks like something you would toast."
"It looks like something you would toast."
"It looks like something you would toast."

They taste pretty good and it's fun to eat the top off of it then be able to go at the middle part by itself.

Crispy Crunch - This candy bar was a deceiver because the paper tray thing the candy bar sits on is dark colored like chocolate, so when I opened up the packaging from the back side first, I was mildly shocked. What kind of candy has a tray thing that isn't white colored? Probably there is one that I just can't think of at the moment, but it still was scocking and I dropped the candy due to my being momentarily flustered. The candy bar itself tastes like a butterfinger, but more peanuty, and it is really good at getting stuck on my teeth!

Mr. Big - Mr. Big is crazy huge. After I carefully opened it to keep the packaging intact, I saw that part of it had caramel that had leaked out of it. It looked really intimidating, but once I bit into it, I saw that most of it was wafer, so it's not a heavy candy bar. This is definitely my favorite of all five foods here, and I think it has the best name too.

Ketchup Chips - I've never eaten chips that were ketchup flavored, so this was a surprise. They actually tasted ketchup flavored! Crazy.

All Dressed Chips - I thought ketchup was pushing it, but these are ridiculous. I don't even know what they're supposed to taste like. The bag has a picture of a red pepper, a salt shaker, and an onion, so they probably have those flavors in it, maybe with things like onion, garlic, sour cream, vinegar, bbq, ranch and bacon too. I really don't know. They're orange in color and really intense. I couldn't handle more than one at a time at first. I don't quite know what to make of it, but if I saw it I would consider getting it again.