Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Birthday Pancakes

My [Birthday Pancakes] melted the wax of the candle resting inside them.

Also, notice how the fork has four prongs. Not three, but four. Four prongs.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

I Understand and I Wish to Continue

Usually I'm good at eating the foods I make and not getting sick. This was not the case last week when I decided to use a can of spam I bought (it was an accident, I swear). I started off with sourdough bread, cut it in half, and hallowed it out a bit. After pouring extra virgin olive oil on one side, I put some sort of cheese I totally don't remember the name of on it, and then pieces of spam I carved out of the block from the can. On the other side, I poured on some mushroom tomato sauce. I microwaved the whole thing for maybe half a minute, then put butter pickle slices in too. It seemed like it was going well at the time...

[a bad sandwich]

I made another sandwich a few days later. It was a meatball sub, but I didn't care for the bread. And also I was still not feeling so well from the first sandwich. Some things happened, so I didn't take a picture.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Small Big-Sandwich Internote

After eating all those sandwiches last time, I was excited to eat some more sandwiches at a different place and internote again. This time, the sandwiches are from Silver Mine Subs. I used to pass by the place all the time without really realizing it is a sandwich shop, but this time things are different.
(note: I ate the large size of all of these sandwiches)

Steam Engine - This was the first sandwich I got. Unlike the last place, they sell warm sandwiches in addition to ones with only cold meats. The Steam Engine is a meatball sub. There was some other stuff on it too, like maybe peppers or onions or whatever, but the main thing here is the meatballs. I thought it was a good sandwich, although I messed up and dropped half of mine on the floor and it got a bit messy, but I ate it just the same.

Lawless Leadville - A turkey and ham sandwich. It's good that there was both turkey and ham, because I think it there was only one, especially if it was just the turkey, it would have been really lame.

Dodge City - It's a tasty pepperoni and salami sandwich. The vinegar makes the lettuce taste especially vinegary if the pepperoni and salami wasn't enough for you.

Tombstone - The Tombstone is kind of a plain boring turkey sandwich. I thought it needed some bbq or cock sauce when I was eating it. It's like the leadville, but they took out the ham and added in sprouts, which is stupid, even if the sprouts don't get in the way like that other beach-themed sandwich. If you need to eat something because you're hungry, and not because you want to taste some flavor molecules something, this will do it.

Georgetown - I don't remember anything about this one. I see a piece of bacon in my picture though, so maybe this was a turkey bacon sandwich, in which case I can already say it's way better than the Tombstone. There might be a better bacon sandwich available, but this is the only one I've had so far from this place.

I actually ate these sandwiches probably over 2 weeks ago and haven't been there since. I probably won't be going back there either so I decided just to make the internote now with what I currently had to work with.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Big Big-Sandwich Internote

I once made an internote about a sandwich I ate at this sandwich shop, and now I've finally finished what I started. I ate every interesting thing on the menu, which means everything but the vegetarian sandwich and the smaller versions of the big sandwiches, and now I'm ready to write my thoughts on it. Oh, by the way, it's a sandwich shop called Jimmy Johns which probably doesn't exist where you are.
(note: some of the pictures may/may not match up with what the actual sandwich is, because I'm not a very good sandwich archivist)
(also note: I ate all these on the normal sub sandwich bread, not that weird 7 grain stuff)

J.J.B.L.T.® - This is the sandwich with just bacon on it. It's one of the smaller ones. It's good though, I liked it, but I might consider having it as an addition to another sandwich in the future instead of by itself.

#7 GOURMET SMOKED HAM CLUB - This is basically a bunch of ham with some cheese and other sandwich things. So it's a ham sandwich and I like that. Nothing wrong here.

#8 BILLY CLUB® - This one was roast beef with ham. It's supposed to have mustard on it too, I don't remember that. I really didn't like it though; something was wrong. I would not get this one again. Also, I think the name is stupid.

#9 ITALIAN NIGHT CLUB® - This is an interesting one because it has ham, capicola, and salami. Those are some good sandwich meats and they make a great sandwich. This is one of the best sandwiches here.

#10 HUNTER'S CLUB® - I think this is the first sandwich I ever ate at this place. It has a bunch of roast beef, so if you're in the mood for chomping through only a bunch of roast beef, this is it. Oh, also, I like cold-sandwich roast beef sandwiches a lot better than those ones where the roast beef is hot and you need to ladle it into the bread right there on the spot. Sometimes it has peppers in the beef too with those ones. Don't know how I feel about that.

#11 COUNTRY CLUB® - This one is a turkey and ham sandwich. I don't know, I guess it was a good sandwich. I really don't remember.

#12 BEACH CLUB® - I hated this sandwich so much! When I got it, I was expecting fun and good times for the whole family, but it really was a pain to eat. It's a turkey sandwich, but the interesting part is that there's cucumber, avocado spread, and sprouts on top. I actually like cucumbers, so I'm fine with that. Avocado is sort of weird. I don't particularly like it, but I don't hate it either. I mean, I wouldn't ever go out of my way to eat some avocado, but if I see it there, I'll eat it and enjoy it. The sprouts are what made this a bad sandwich. They're all just resting on top there, and every time I try to take a bite, they get all up in my face. It was pretty annoying.

#14 BOOTLEGGER CLUB® - A roast beef and turkey sandwich. Nothing weird here. (now that I finished seeing what pictures I have for which sandwiches, and looking at how much I had to say about this one, I feel that I have to question whether I actually ate this one too)

#15 CLUB TUNA® - Now, I like tuna sandwiches, I've made them before for myself, but something was wrong here with the tuna in a sub. I really didn't like the mushiness of the tuna in my sandwich, and I also didn't really care for the consistency of their tuna mix either. Also, although I ate this one right away when I got it, I question its ability to hold up over time if I were to toss it in the fridge for a few hours or overnight before eating it.

#16 CLUB LULU® - This is one of the bacon sandwiches. It also has turkey in it. But what's important is the bacon. Actually, now, looking back, I don't remember if I ate this one or not... I'd probably like it though.

#17 ULTIMATE PORKER™ - This is the other bacon sandwich. This time, it's bacon and ham, which I think go well together. Other than that, it's just a good sandwich, and probably one of the best ones out of the sandwich choices it's listed with.

THE J.J. GARGANTUAN® - Basically, it's all the other sandwiches combined, except for the tuna (which is good), the weird beach club sillybusiness (also good), and the bacon (bad). So that's why I was sure to tell them to add bacon to it when I ordered it. In all, there was salami, ham, capicola, roast beef, turkey, and bacon, along with the other sandwich basics. This sandwich pretty much makes all the others obsolete, although if you get it, make sure you're ready for a bit of a commitment as it could take a few hours to work through if you can't maintain a state of being really hungry throughout the entire eating process.

Lastly, I ate one of the cookies there and a bag of chips. The chips were BBQ flavor, and rather unremarkable. They had the store logo on them, which was nice, and it is important for sandwich shops to offer chips. The cookie was actually pretty good. Large cookies work a lot better when they're chewy. Also, I prefer chewy cookies.

Thursday, October 09, 2008


I can eat through a huge cobbler like [this] in one sitting. Or maybe a few sittings. But I would eat through the whole thing. The inside is a bunch of lovely berries and pears, which are soo much better than apples. Apples are the worst. They're so grainy. Even the ones that aren't grainy. Anyway, on top is a bunch of Streusel. Usually putting oats in things is a bad idea, but I think it works out great here. I was going to write "fine" there because that's more like how I actually feel, but I deleted it and wrote "great" to better show the difference in how oats are in different food items.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Closed Tuna Melt

Tuna melts are good, but sometimes, I'm too lazy to make them correctly. This is the result:


- hwhite bread slices
- sandwich pickle slices
- cold tuna (not for cats)
- mayonnaise
- maybe some pepper
- provolone cheese
- toasting element
- general heating element

First, open the tuna, drain out the liquid and replace it with mayonnaise by mixing. Then either cool it or hope that it was already cold so you don't have to wait. Apply toasting to the bread, and it will become two toast pieces. I don't like trouble, so I put the cheese on the bread right now and apply some heat to get it melty. Finally, slop on the tuna mix and lay the pickle slices on top then cover with the other toast piece. This sandwich is pretty good, I ate like, 3 or 4 of them.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Delicious Baconated Sandwich

I needed an intro to a food article, so I decided to list the ingredients instead of starting off a story about how I saw some impressive bacon food item or was hungry and invented a sandwich:

- 2 toasted white bread slices
- butter to cover one slice
- provolone cheese to cover the other
- glob of mayonnaise covering butter
- bacon bits dumped over cheese
- combine into one sandwich

[Baconated Sandwich]

The butter gives the sandwich the familiar taste of buttered bread, which makes me think, "I know this; it is familiar to me.", leading me on to feel safe about the forthcoming powerful taste of the provolone cheese. The more subdued buttered toast flavor has been lost around this point, which is good, because this allows the bread to not interfere with anything else but only act as the vessel for the insides. The bacon will now take effect. Since it is crumbly, it has intermingled with the mayonnaise a bit, giving it a somewhat creamy feel, but still bacony. The active flavors sort of alternate between cheese and bacon for the remainder of the sandwich. I'm not going to try to be cool and say it was disgusting eating this. It was delicious. I hope to eat more baconated food items in the future.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Exciting New Cranberry Internote System

An observation of mine is that the animal likes to go outside. However, this is not always the case, for example, Animal will determine on his own if the temperature and weather conditions are suitable for his body and act accordingly. When not outside, a favorite activity of his is to look outside while not actually being there.


As you can see, Animal positions his body to be able to fit into places that may initially seem too small for him. Do not worry, the animal is having the most fun in the world.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Artwork corner.


(artist's notes: a little known fact: originally, before budget cuts, the folding chair was supposed to be a throne)

Friday, September 05, 2008

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Internote News

Updates to Zeefer Madness may be occurring a bit less often for a while now, as I am working with the Doctor on writing my book. I will let you all know when it is ready and finished for its print run of one copy total, which will be delivered to me.

The book will be full of content you already know and love in addition to behind the scenes footage, making of, glossary of terms, chronological timeline of events, author's commentary, and exclusive new scenes not available elsewhere. Come with uncle and read all proper! You are invited!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Toasted Rye

Rye bread is one of my favorite breads. One thing about it bothers me though: some people like to shove these caraway seeds into it. They taste terrible and I don't have the time to adjust my tastes to them, or to form any childhood memories of liking caraway seeds. So because of this, when I had a slice of carawayed rye, I needed a good way to increase the amount of flavor molecules present. After a quick toasting operation was complete, I quickly placed a few slices of unsalted butter on top then after it was melted, proceeded to sprinkle a coating of granulated sugar over it. Feel free to do this to other kinds of bread, it will make them more bearable in case you don't have any rye on hand.


Sunday, August 17, 2008

Exciting New Automatic-Get-Internote System

Animals frequently drink water; they can't seem to get enough of this stuff. Various exotic locations for drinking which the animals have made use of include the bathtub, the sink, and lately, the water fountain. Watch as Animal deftly applies water-drinking procedure to the liquid:


I personally find it interesting that Salt Water Tabbies are so interested in drinking from a freshwater source. Future observation is needed though before any conclusions can be drawn.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Pizza Judgment of Article of Strong Faith

The TV suddenly started blaring upon going to commercials causing me to automatically reach for the volume button on the remote. I wished the space guy was on TV, he's a lot more fun. I would have felt bad about having the TV on and just leaving it on mute, and I didn't want quite the amount of light in the room that a lamp provides. I thought back to when I had my book light that would attach to the cover of a book and light the pages. I knew the battery for it was sitting in the closet outside my room, but I couldn't find the light itself in my memory. So naturally I preheated the oven and threw in a frozen sausage and pepperoni pizza with additional black olives and feta cheese sprinkled on top.


It turned out great. The only real way to cut a pizza is to use a wicked pair of bone cleaving shears. If you're not doing it this way, you're not cutting the pizza correctly.

[Cutting Pizza Pie]

I ate a slice and left the rest sitting there all night for random other people that might wander by, because I'm an incredibly considerate individual. I would love to run into cold pizza if I were to suddenly wake up in the middle of the night.

[Remaining Pie]

Saturday, August 09, 2008


Let me tell you things you already know about visual and aural spacial issues.

As of late, it became normal for my father to be off on frequent business trips. As a natural reaction, I would often find myself in the basement with party decorations everywhere, a noisemaker in my hand silent, the tape recorder running on the cushion next to me, and a movie on the television screen. My gaze went past the screen, failing to absorb the simulacra of train murderers acting with religious overtones. Additional details left uncaptured included ninja practicing their swordwork in such a manner where the tip of the blade does not change position. I blinked a few times and refocused, seeing this time two kinds of trains, the first passing over the second. I identified one as a passenger and the other as a mail delivery train. The interesting feature I noted about the passenger train is that there is room on the bottom where a person can hang on to, riding externally, which is not the case at all for the mail train. Seeing the murderers aboard the train once again, my eyes widen as I realize they are after my father.

~The island was really a desert, but there were still people running around, a helicopter landing, and a huge building in the center of it all – one of those where it looks like internally it’s made up of cave openings arranged in a quadrant layout, and the elevator only reaches the ground level. This was of course a huge problem for me since I was headed up to the third floor. As I ran I could feel something pulling on my ear, as if it was the only force driving me up the stairwell. I entered the classroom and put my dessert on the table near the window where it would wait until snacktime halfway through, then took a seat in the rear of the room. This was the part where normal desk formation no longer applied, and chairs were just lined up at tables pushed against the wall. Children started to flood in and I was a bit nervous about one of them looking for a seat and not being able to find one, but I ignored the problem, and I can only imagine it went away. An instructional video started playing and I began to doze off.~

The train derailed, causing me to spring up from the couch and run outside, where I saw huge pieces of burned metal from the train and various mail scattered about. I gathered up as many packages as I could and opened them up. Highlights included three tall glasses with ice cream sundaes and blue cheese cream dip. I took these and began arranging them as if they were the main attraction of another party – it was really all I knew how to do at the time. The police arrived and I began showing them around and explained my plan of repackaging all the food and mailing it to sad people who aren’t getting their food. They seemed uninterested and the two of them headed into my bathroom where they locked the door. I worried that they suspected I was the train murderer because of how the train landed in my backyard, and I had already stashed a ton of food boxes in my bathroom.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Hero Sandwich

I like eating sandwiches, so when I had one from Hero's Submarine Sandwich Shop, I was understandably excited. The thing that separates these heroes from others is that they have bread and meat, and then some other stuff like onions and junk. It's one of those places where you buy a sandwich and go immediately to an extended metal windowsill that is supposed to function as a table with no chairs or stools, then unwrap your sandwich and eat it while reflecting on your favorite sports team or the hand drawn city map of questionable accuracy hanging on the wall. More often though, you'll just want to take your food and head out, then sit on the grassy field across the street. You'll then think about why you didn't want to buy a soda or a bag of Vitner's as you watch your friend complain about too much ice in the drink, which you completely agree about, reader. After discussing band music during the meal (I'd give it about twenty minutes (ten per each half (I'm assuming you ordered one whole) of the sandwich)), you may wonder about the party store in the distance, but then realize you've had enough silly business for today and head off for the liquor store.

[Hero Sandwich]

Saturday, August 02, 2008

The Silly Business

Today I was feeling a little emotionally depressed, but when I saw all the emails from you guys, I felt a lot better! Also, I went shopping today - I absolutely need to have Moo-fuel; no other drink will cut it for me when eating foods.

The Bro, Brah, and Bru Business is somewhat famous around the Fjord for their activities. Since I just received my chef jacket, I took up their offer they made of me. I could not turn down a deal that included free belts. I began working on doing cooking demonstrations shows, and during that, some other people that I had gotten used to seeing suddenly disappeared and I never saw them again, but I guess that’s just the way things are. I’m fine with people suddenly deciding to never let anyone see them ever again. I’m not some kind of jerk that will start trying to snoop into their lives. Things started looking up for me though when I was offered to go on a trip to the beach! So exciting!

~ The beach was pretty great. I headed out at night since that’s when anything cool that might happen will definitely happen. There was none of that icky green plant goo growing on the water and no pieces of shells or weird objects that might be crap on the sand, so it was okay to just walk along without paying attention. Well, except for this nice soufflé I found just sitting on the ground. I was absolutely sure no one was around, so I totally ate the soufflé. I would say that that was the highlight of the vacation.~

I got back to Bro, Brah, and Bru, I sensed something was amiss. Bru approached me. “We know you have secret plans, but you may want to reconsider after seeing this picture of legally inappropriate behaviour.” He then presented a secret hand drawn picture of me eating the soufflé while on vacation, all done in oil pastels! I was shocked! These things seriously baffle me, I can’t figure out how they work. Within the same box, some of them are like working with chalk, and others are so smudgy they pretty much melt right onto the paper. “So don’t even think about telling Chompowitz about our shady dealings, it will cause you a lot of emotional conflict!” Luckily, I snorkeled away to Soufflé Islet and now everything is fine.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Exciting New Push-Button-Get-Internote System

Recent studies show that there are not enough non-grilled animals on the internote.

[Animal Time]

This photo was taken while animal was conducting an investigation of a sock. This sock is interesting because if you were to cut the sock in two, you would not find that it is composed fully of sock material, but instead catnip. The Orange Guy can often be found trying to insert his face into the sock or other more general cat-sock interactions. If you see the animal doing this and you would like to join in on the interactive process, be prepared for disappointment as you do not feel the same sensation from smelling the catnip as Animal does.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Food Testing (Part 3)

Usually when I open up a can of seafood, there's tuna inside, but this time, there was crab. It appeared to have a paper wrapping surrounding it, but it was only around the sides, and when I attempted to pull the crab meat out by it, all the crab fell through back into the can. I was disappointed to say the least. After dumping the meat into a preparation bowl, I ate all of it. It tasted fine, I would eat it again. The crab juice or water was kind of salty though. The cats wouldn't drink this as they would with the water from a can of tuna.


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Artwork corner.

[Bonezone II]

(artist's notes: drawn on one of those fancy expensive tablet things, printed out and painted with oils and acrylics, and retransfered with the latest in gigapixel camera technology)

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Food Testing (Part 2)

I heard the spam song playing before I was in the store, so I picked up a can of special ham since I've never actually eaten this stuff before in my life. I tried it out plain, and also fried up some of it and put it in a hamburger bun with cheddar cheese. It's really shocking when I took my first bite of it; it's incredibly ridiculously salty. I wasn't able to adjust to the salt level throughout the eating process. It was interesting though, to try it, but I don't think I'll want it again.

[Special Ham]

(note: it turns out I did not actually hear the spam song at all)

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Tasty Food

"Rib-eye is a great cut of meat."

I was in the mood for some chomps and found myself heading over to the store. I eyed out the steaks I wanted, then looked for the margarine. I relly need some margarine. It's important. There was none on the refrigerated sections or near the butter, so I went on looking on the other shelves. I couldn't find it near the oils, but I got distracted and started looking for grape seed oil and chocolate marshmallows, neither of which were present either. Thinking about the status of margarine, I recalled that it is a synthetic material constructed out of plastics and has been declared a biohazard, so I took my search further into the aisle with bleach. Still, no sign of it. I called it quits and picked up the steaks with some other stuff and left.

I don't know if you know this about me, but I am a master griller. I am the best at applying heat to steaks through use of grill machinery. After dumping on steak rub and grilling, I let it rest for a few minutes, not because I thought it was a good idea, but because I needed a short break before eating them. Briefly, the idea crossed my mind to heat up some potatoes or maybe broccoli, but I may have just now made up that I thought of it for story and character development purposes.

[Here's the Food]

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Sandwich Test

I like combining things like mustard and cheese, so I did that along with chicken and cock sauce on a small tortilla. I was thinking about adding lettuce or a vegetable but then I came to my senses and decided not to make it taste bad on purpose.

[Half-eaten Sandwich]

Monday, June 23, 2008

Idea Sprouts

I've been getting a lot of mail from readers lately, concerned about a lack of food being eaten. The truth is that I have been eating food, but there has been a terrible accident: I was developing my instant film in a darkroom and I messed up, ruining all the pictures. I managed to save one though by throwing my body in front of it.

[Food Picture]

I probably could tell you about some of the food since I don't have pictures, but I can't because revealing my methods and procedures would get me kicked out of the secret cooks organization.

Also, I'm thinking to expand and have more fun internotes, which would include exciting true stories, food experiments, videos of me being cool and playing the guitar, contests with prizes for readers, and supercool hand-drawn pictures. So yeah.

Monday, June 09, 2008

A Meatball Sandwich

I don't have anything to say about this one.

[The Sandwich]

(note: it's smoked mozzarella and sharp cheddar)

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Mothers Brownies

Don't worry, everything's gonna be all right. Shush, just look at me. I'll make you some of Mother's Brownies.

I actually baked this bath(sick(sic)) of brownies about a week or so ago, but forgot to internote it. I used Baker's baking chocolate, which has the recipe written on the back of the box. If you look at the front of the box, next to the name, the picture looks like a mother holding a tray of brownies. This image is also imprinted upon each piece of chocolate inside.

1.5 sticks of butter
4 blocks of unsweetened baking chocolate
2 cups normal sugar
3 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup flour

Melt the butter and chocolate, then combine them and toss in the other stuff in order. When it's together, dump into a 13x9 inch baking pan (I lined it with parchment paper) and bake it at 350F for 30 to 35 minutes. Oh yeah, the oven should probably be preheated first. That's important. When enough time has passed, take the back end of a match and poke a hole in the brownies. If it comes out clean, they should be done, so you can then strike the match as a sign of victory.

[Mother's Brownies]

These things taste pretty great, and you should eat them. Some people say brownies should cool first, but they don't know what they're talking about. Take advantage by putting the still hot brownies on a plate and then a nice scoop of vanilla ice cream next to it.

(note: me calling these Mother's Brownies and the image looking like a mother are completely unrelated)

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Troy Chocolate Cake

I got a huge amount of fanmail recently about the Crispy Mister Sandwich in regard to the contest I set up. They were all mostly good attempts at the sandwich, but I think this one stood out as the best. Congratulations to the winner; you will be receiving a package of stickers in the mail along with a jam rock music cd! (note: contest void in canada)

I know I said the previous chocolate cake I made was the chocolate cake that would make all other cakes obsolete, but I like eating cake so I made this cake recipe provided by Anna of CookieMadness: Troy Chocolate Cake.

~A long time ago I made a childhood promise about cakes. Arbitrary childhood promises are the kinds of things that really define your character. For example, the classic “never change”. I however made vowed never to bake a cake again after a horrible tragedy occurred. I had baked a wonderful cake mix cake for some friends, and brought it over to one of their houses so everyone could enjoy. Unfortunately, the four sticks of butter involved in this small cake was too much, instantly killing my best friend upon impact with his mouth. Never again would I allow such a thing to happen.*~

The Troy Chocolate Cake is different in that it doesn’t involve butter in the batter. It is a cake of healing. Instead it has a bunch of mayonnaise, something you may remember from the tuna melt sandwich recipe, so it’s certain to be a success. I began working on the initial steps of mixing things together in bowls. At first, I thought to just use a cereal bowl, but using my keen powers of foresight, I recalled that the ingredients listed would not fit, so I opted for a larger metal bowl. I saw in the corner of my eye some sort of automatic electrical mixing machine, but I decided not to call upon higher powers to assist me just yet. I was getting exhausted at this point; it was time for a break. I indulged in some Breyers ice cream. Mmm, smooth and creamy.

[Mixing Things]

I took out some parchment paper to line the pan and pressed it in to fit, but it popped back up, refusing to give in. I was about to have a mental breakdown here, but I decided to pour the batter in anyway, and it turns out everything worked out fine.

[Ready for Baking]

I put it in the oven at 325 for 35 minutes, then got started on the icing. I spent time sifting the confectioners sugar which I’m sure I completely ruined the point of sifting it in the first place when I just dumped all the ingredients together at the same time and was determined to mix by hand with a spoon. The cake finished as I was about done with the icing.

[Cake and Icing]

The icing was kind of lumpy, but I really don’t mind. The end result is a tasty cake.

[Icinged Cake]

*Exciting True Stories may or may not be exciting or true.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Crispy Mister Sandwich

It was nightlunch time, so I went into the kitchen as normal procedure. Looking through some cabinets, I decided that I would do something with nutella. Spreading it on bread might be good. Maybe if the bread was coated in lard and fried it might be better. Frying bread was an idea I liked, but I couldn’t fit the nutella into it without being a real europoofter so I decided to go into a sandwich route. Cheese and meat is good, so I got some provolone cheese and sliced ham ready. This sandwich was looking like it might be kind of [large fancy colourful ‘L’]ame at this point, mostly because of the bread, so I cracked some eggs (you may remember I am the best at cracking eggs), mixed them with a fork and combined them with two slices.

[Sandwich Preparation]

Luckily there was just enough for all of the eggs to be absorbed fully. I didn’t know how to get this from my eggy bowl to the frying pan, so I thought to put them on a paper towel at first, but then I just brought the pan over to the table with all my cooking organization. I would put the paper towels I got ready to use later. My plan for the sandwich was to have the cheese on the outsides of the ham, so they would get melty better. It is always important to have the meal fully planned out. After layering one slice of egg-soaked bread in the pan with cheese, I put on a bunch of slices of ham.

[Sandwich Construction]

During this, I kept reassuring myself that I’ve had a previous experience with this, and I feel it would be in my best interest to add more meat than I think I need. On top of the ham, another layer of cheese, then the second bread slice. It was time for cooking process, and everything was going fine until I decided it was important that I flip the sandwich over a lot to check how it’s cooking.

[Sandwich Cooking]

The first flip was a disaster; cheese was falling out, one slice of bread slid halfway off from all the contents, and it may have been my imagination, but I thought I tore the bread in half. And while trying to fix it, I managed to burn two of my fingers from direct contact with the pan.

[Sandwich Cooking]

Realizing I forgot about buttering the pan, I snuck in some butter while lifting the sandwich up since butter is a secret ingredient. I let it cook for a while though and it was looking all right again.

[Sandwich Cooking]

When the sandwich was finished, I determined that it was overall a great success! The bread had that great french toast taste to it, the cheese was all melty and delicious, and the ham was meaty. Actually, I think the ham was way too sweet for the sandwich. I would maybe want a meat that’s completely meaty without the overwhelming sweetness for next time.


Friday, May 30, 2008

Egg Melt Sandwich

"Then imagine opening it and look inside."
Okay. ... left ... though.
"What's in the fridge?"
Greasy sausage gravy ... peppermint sugar syrup.
"Do you want to eat these things?"
... have heartburn ... nine or ten hundred years.
"Eww, that's disgusting."
... I'm closing ... heading right ....
"No way! I'm not taking you there!"
... I know you'll take me there eventually.

Gathering up the ingredients is an essential step for creating a food dish. Usually you’d do this with a shopping list planned out ahead of time with words written on it. I love it when I see words written for me. But I didn’t have one of these. I was gathering up interesting things. Eggs are easy, so I grabbed a few of those. You may not know this about me, but I am a master at cracking eggs. I can crack a hundred baker’s dozen eggs and not even know it. I put those on the counter and sort of wrapped a towel around them so they don’t crack themselves. I took out the cock sauce, since it always adds potential. I needed something tasty, so I headed into the bone cellar for some canned tuna. It’s pretty cold there. I once was carrying a bowl of soup there to eat, since I was sick, and it was spilling all over my hands, burning them. I saw some instant mashed potatoes so I grabbed those as well. Heading back to the kitchen, I realized I still need some odd and ends to put things together. Couldn’t find any bread, so I took out a bag of small tortillas, and the package of swiss cheese that was sitting next to it. Cheese is pretty great, especially when it’s melty. I tossed things into the frying pan for the first attempt, which didn’t turn out well since most parts were added as an afterthought.

[Beginning Cooking]
[Potatoes and First Sandwich]
[Sandwich with Additional]

It tasted good enough to make me want another, and bad enough to make me think I could do better. This time I added everything in during the cooking organization.

[Cooking Sandwich 2]
[Sandwich Formula]
[Final Sandwich]

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Underrated Chocolate Cake

My brother recently left on a trip to find some wild cougar that has been reported lately to be hanging around forest preserves. I was pretty excited, so I used this as an excuse to get baking as a celebration and have myself an Eatrian Odyssey. I found a bag of premade cake mix inside a box on a shelf, but when I looked at the instructions, I just wasn’t satisfied. I just had to shape it to my personal taste, so I took out the eggs and vegetable oel. Peanut butter is really great, and I really don’t like chocolate chips, so I tossed in a bunch of those. Also, I added some water, since it doesn’t work without that. You have to be an experienced chef to know these subtle factors that influence the cake. I mixed it up with a fork, and it already was looking good enough for me to eat at this point, but I decided to stick it in the microwave oven just for the heck of it. I set it to two minutes, and took it out when I felt it was right. It turned out great. I am a huge fan of things that taste good. Although I am proud of myself for this, I feel that I want to experiment and further alter the recipe next time and truly make it my own.

Tip: If possible, use Chicago tap water for zebra mussel taste.

to taste – chocolate cake mix
to taste – water
to taste – peanut butter chips

[Finished Product]

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Tactical Piquenick

I have a Pulli that has “Starved Rock” written across the front. You know, people always have things written on their clothes. I think it’s kind of stupid for the most part. I also have a Pulli with my birthday on it. I mean, that’s kind of neat. So, it could be neat, too, reader. But, my idea was: instead of reading what it does now, my Pulli should read on the front “Starved Ra”.

I was outside in a field during in a wonderful day. Everything was beautiful and perfect for the picnic I had planned. Tables were set up in table organization. Everything was relatively very passive. I set some snacks on the tables, but at this point I think the snack situation wasn’t so great; just some chips with nutella dip. By examining some of the food too much, I offended some of my guests already present: Charleston, Curator of Thunder; Bruno Cecilson, Bro; and Chompowitz, Invorstigator. Hearing the bus arrive with more of my picnic guests, I headed over to greet them.

~“Now, I can explain. I have somewhat of a notable background in food things, and I can tell you about how it works. The most important tip for a new food-person is not to overcrowd the pan. I can’t stress that enough. I mean, it’s important. The other tip is to have some secret ingredients that you can rely on.”
“You still haven’t given us an explanation, you know.”
“Yeeaaah... I need to head back to the washroom now.”~

The ecstatic guests got off the bus and were new to the picnic. They greeted me with hugs and excited remarks, because I’m cool like that, and brought some stuff; the stuff they brought was supposed to be gifts and food for the picnic I guess (one gift I thought was especially nice was an aloe vera (I think this one’s going to get out of hand pretty soon though (I’ve had experiences (it kept growing (these things grow way too fast, jeez (in retrospect, maybe I left it alone and stopped paying attention to it for too long at a time (I’m not good with keeping track of time))) way too much!) with aloe vera before))), but I had other plans. Due to a deal I had sealed earlier in the day with Thunder Curator Charleston, it began raining. This rain was really intense. It’s the kind of rain that makes you think “I really want to go inside. I know I don’t need to, but I’d really like to, and so I’m going to act on these thoughts.”. I planned this picnic to be next to a church, so I herded everyone inside. Once there, I turned to the group and spoke, “Oh, look everyone. Some sort of religious ceremony is taking place. Let’s participate in it. It’ll be fun. Who knows what’ll happen? Maybe we’ll all bond with each other, maybe we’ll start believing what the rest of these religioners are believing, maybe we’ll just have a grand time!” I don’t know what went wrong, but I tried to get them to all participate and before I knew it, I couldn’t find any of my picnickers. It’s like they all disappeared.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008


I looked in my mail earlier this today and I saw that several readers are apparently displeased with my internotes. The advice given to improve things is nonsensical and often contradictory, but regardless I will try my best to incorporate this into future posts.

It was getting late, and we all needed some good chomps. Dinner was out of the question, as it had just passed midnight. If I had suggested having dinner, I would have had appeared quite the buffoon. We started rummaging around for eats. I filled a bowl with frozen fruits, pineapples, peaches, melons, and strawberries, and was about to begin chomping down when I started having second thoughts. I checked the original bag: “Ideal for: Baking, Smoothies, Toppings, Snacking”. Yes, it was in fact okay to do what I was about to do. I put on several belts in preparation, and sat down at the table ready for nightlunch.

~It is important to consider for refrigerator/freezer management what to do when running into certain situations. For example, if you were to find a tub labeled “Potato Water”, your life is at serious risk if you drink it. It also probably tastes like fish.~

“Hey man! I don't THINK so! I don't THINK so!”
“Dude, bro, man.” A heckler had arrived. As exciting an incident this was, I really had to use the washroom at this point, so I got up and engaged in self-palliation. Someone else came in too and used the stall next to me, causing me to worry that I might not make it out in time. It would be disasterous for my reputation if this other person were to finish before me, so I quickly got up and left, leaving my belts undone. I must have been gone for a while because the cookies staled. I felt a little awkward when I sat back down, so I started trying to quickly adjust my belts without anyone noticing. It’s kind of difficult and I was losing track of what else was happening at the table when suddenly my attention was seized by a comment addressed towards me.
“We have to talk to you about what you’ve been doing at night lately.”

Monday, April 14, 2008

A Fully Tilting Fjultry

I’m working on a bit of a time-chomp here, so please forgive any minor inaccuracies. I try my best, and I hope we’ll all have a good year together!

I arrived at the Nuclear Power Plant Museum, and decided to take a tour. I’m always interested in learning stuff. They gave me the children’s discount, so I mentally awarded myself the trophy for most efficient use of money per amount of nuclear power plant knowledge gained. I couldn’t have been more proud of moiself. Inside the museum, it was kind of lame though. All the walls were clean and bright white with a weird carpet. I couldn’t tell what color this thing was. Maybe it was red, or blue or purple, maybe orange or burgundy? It was really confusing to me. Anyway, most of the place was kind of empty looking, so I took out a pineapple and my hobby knife box set then got to work. This one was going to be good since there were no studded belts on it. I remember one time I got a tactical pineapple on my hands, let me tell you....

~I know you’re interested in how ex-birthdays came into being. Well, when Thunder Curator Charleston first made his descent, he needed a way to mix cocoa without having to heat up his water. Oh wait, I forgot about the beginning part. Thunder Curator Charleston was first invented by Robotsk in space. Not directly of course, that would be ridiculous. Robotsk can’t be involved directly in these matters. The forty seven-thousand-three hundred-thirty-fourth polishing robot did this when it realized that it needed some more ridiculous chomps. So basically, Thunder Curator Charleston was particularly fond of artwork so he devised a way to get his hands on an excellent painting. He would have an ex-birthday in honour of himself to receive gifts.~

...but it was actually steel wool all along. I couldn’t believe it. So as I was saying, I was eating my pineapple snack in the museum when I noticed the vending machines. They had one of those awesome ones with the suction grabber and the ice cream. I always love these, so I got myself a banana peanut butter bar. This definitely satisfied me, so I made a quick visit to the washroom, then walked in the direction of the incinerator.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Anders geschmackt

Okay, I know you guys have been worried about your preorders of the cookbook, since you’ve already put money down for it, but I’m almost finished now, I swear. I’ve been busy writing, editing and doing minor touch-ups, and I’ve got the book cover art finalized. I feel confident that this is going to be my finest work yet.

I just got finished using the washroom, and after washing my hands, I first walked to the bacon dispenser. It was only blowing hot air today, so I stepped one down to the pizza dispenser and got myself a slice of sausage, mushroom and spinach, taking bites out of it as I strolled outside.

~No, it didn’t taste quite right yet. It needed to absorb more water still, but I could hardly contain myself. My mushroom pilaf risotto was nearing completion.~

Mm, for washroom pizza, it really hit the spot. I tossed the paper plate it came on into a trash can I passed by. It looked like some dust storms were up ahead, but then I realized I was in some sort of underground facility, and the ventilation shafts were in terrible shape – all orange and rusty-looking. I heard something approach, and I could only assume it was a robot, so I began frantically ripping open some couch cushions to be able to escape.

~I was starting to panic! I couldn’t have only a single dish at my dinner party. I dug around on some shelves for something else to cook up. Maybe I could use this cocoa powder I’ve had sitting around...? No, this wasn’t a time for food experiments, I’d just cook this package of noodles I found and be done with it, not forgetting to load the frying pan with extra butter, though.~

I crawled my way out, and during the process I had a flashback to my old days of exploring blanket caves with miniature flashlights and deviled egg spaceships. Things just ain’t the way they used to be. I was now in a bunker with other people standing around, doing some sort of study, but I had no time for this, so I ran outside while I felt my body change from its ridiculous state into a zombie state. I turned the corner and nearly bumped into a man.

~My guests had arrived! I sat them down, all proper-like, and slopped some risotto and noodles onto their plates. It was in honor of Bruno’s ex-birthday, so we were all ready for merry-making. Bruno asked me for a fruit smoothie, so I headed off to the kitchen and got out the bag of frozen fruits. I didn’t feel quite up to it, so I just grabbed a bowl and dumped in frozen fruit to taste, then gave it to him like that, sure he wouldn’t mind. I sat down just in time to hear one of my guests voicing a complaint about my noodle dish not being made with magic finger noodles. I looked his way to receive quite a shock when I recognized who it was.~

A man in a long double-breasted beige coat was looking at me. “I am Invorstigator Chompowitz, and I have a request to make of you.”
“No way, man! You’re freaking me out!”
“I thought you’d say as much. But I know your secret: you secretly smash up your food and spread it across your plate to make it appear as if you have eaten more than you actually have.”
“No way, man! You’re freaking me out!”
“Excellent. So you’ll be heading to the Nuclear Power Plant Museum then?”
“No way, man! You’re freaking me out!”

~I couldn’t believe my eyes! It was the Barley Chef! My excitement quickly changed however when I saw how he was handling his food – with all five fingers on his hand, not leaving any fingers clean just in case of an emergency. I don’t want unsanitary behaviours in my home so I kicked him out right there. Also because he insulted my noodles.~

Friday, April 04, 2008

Whivorbeskrandsetizkreiter Esculent

Great news! I received my first donation from a reader! With 20 bucks from one Miss Lauren Campbell-Jackson, I am well on my way to being able to live without worry of robots. The rest of you had better pony up. And fast.

Lots of people dressed in Victorian clothes were presented to my vision upon completion of the surrounding-examination process. I also noticed weird water or oil streaks on the ground. They were a bright blue, and I could see the liquid flowing. The grass was a dark green, and it felt like it had rained recently, but I couldn’t tell for certain. I don’t want to be accidentally making things up here. The circular platform I was on was cut off by empty space surrounding it, and my visibility isn’t great enough such that I could see anything in the distance besides a nice soothing blue gradient backdrop. In the center of the platform was another empty space, but in the center of it was something tasty. I could smell the flavor molecules coming towards me....

~Well, I was in my backyard, and my neighbour just installed a whip cream swimming pool. Naturally, since I am more passionate than my neighbour about these things, I advised him to put a cover on the pool since it was due to rain later that day. He then invited me to join him in the pool, but I had a mental breakdown at the thought of the pool being soiled by people being inside it. Then I woke up in the hospital and looked at my left arm, to see a nurse sewing up a part of my skin. I asked what happened, but no one would tell me....~

Around me were broken down stone structures, and people, they were floating, gathering in groups of mostly two or three, making motions rapid, but never five or more. I realize their placement on the ground isn’t correct by my high standards, some are floating above it, some are halfway inside the ground, and they’re ghosts. I came across a bottleneck where a ghost with a book made out of bandages attached to his arm with the characters “MEXL” written on it is talking about things. Noticing the blue oil splotches again, I had to start clubbing them with the weird thing in my hand. I didn’t accomplish anything, but a decision had to be made.

Saturday, March 29, 2008


Recently it has come to my attention that robots are a potentially dangerous threat to my well-being. As a result, I’ve been looking into acquiring some materials to build an article of robot armor for my self. Now, ideally, I would like to build an armor out of either grade 5 or 38 titanium of thickness of 3 inches with carbon fibers threaded throughout and external diamond coating. All this will then be built on top of a polyester jacket to allow for casual wearing. My robot armor will be kind of expensive so I am accepting donations from my readers in order to see its completion.

I just exited the house when I was presented by the world with a chainlink fence running in front of my face. Usually these are of good quality, but this one had lots of metal cord ends sticking out. The entire fence had sort of a wavy bendy quality to it. I blame it on poor writing. Well, anyway, I was walking alongside it, and my gaze was attached to it, causing my stride to inadvertently angle towards the fence. I continued to take steps forward, causing my eye to come in contact with one of the metal barbs, getting pierced, then sliced across and scratching the side of my face along to my ear. The whole matter probably inconvenienced me only a fraction of a second though. Arriving at a break in the fencing, I entered and saw a concrete loftcube in a large crater. I realize this was probably someone else’s home, but I think it’s my duty to enter the homes of various people and explore them. All that there was available to eat was some sodypop and clay, which is rather bland for my tastes, so I took out my trusty bottle of cock sauce and had myself one fine chow time. Reminded me of the days when I used to wear the old nosebag.


Our auto stopped for some reason, unable to continue, probably because it stopped. I deboard and am next to a construction site with a large chainlink fence going alongside it. A dirt path leads through, so I walked through; it’s okay I guess, other people were visiting here too. As I got to the entrance, a group of naked people covered in a cloud of mud comes into my field of vision. They were heading north, but not actually moving, so I decided to head north myself. It got to be dark in the evening, and I notice that in my possession is the framework for a pyramid with a lit up bluish/whitish corepiece. I started to wonder about it, and I notice a guy standing next to me so I bug him about it: “do you think you could see this from 700 meters away, perhaps vertical distance too?” “Uh, I guess so.” That seemed to satisfy my curiosity for the moment and I didn’t think any further on the matter.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Hungry! I like eating food!

I’m uneasy about posting right now, because I don’t want to set up a precedent that when readers pester me, I respond with an internote post immediately. But I also have progress about the reprint of my cookbook: there is no new progress.

I gave away all my brownies, so I was sort of feeling depressed. I left the house, and continued in the direction I was heading and soon I reached a three way intersection. There were a bunch of trees on one side of the street, maybe it was a forest preserve or a park. A bunch of people were standing there, so I had to discuss with one of them about how to observe decision processes. And by discuss, I mean we each took turns, one person explains their arguments and the other side takes out headphones and rocks out to some tuneskis, then goms;;u, the side that was able to say the most words without repetition holds correctness. I won of course. The other guy didn’t even utter a word. After this, we headed down east. The sidewalk was all smashed and torn up in disrepair. Some slabs were raised, exposing dirt underneath corners. An occasional tree root was visible. It got to be what must have been a few hours, so we all decided to head back in an auto one of the people happened to bring with.

~“Let’s open our next letter here... oh I get so excited reading these! Hmm... ‘Dear Barley Chef: I was exercising my creativity the other day, and I came up with a brilliant idea! I love to eat soups, but I needed a delicious new noodle to make it extra special. And then it hit me: to make a barley noodle...’”. The television grew silent for a moment, and I watched a grave look come over Barley Chef’s face. “I’m terribly sorry everyone, but the Barley Chef Hour is cancelled forthwith.”~

I felt on top of the world after that swig of milk, but I really had to use the washroom. Some guy was sitting in the corner, facing the wall, and crying while eating something. Next to him I saw a couple brownies sitting on the floor. This scene got me kind of hungry, so I pulled out my plate of brownies and started working on those. I felt it was sort of a special moment the two of us had. Just enjoying some excellent chomps. Neither of us said a word to the other, but we didn’t need to. I think we both understood each other without speaking by means of the brownies.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Fire Fly.

Several of my readers have issued complaints about my recipe collection severely underestimating the intelligence of the reader. In response, I have begun work on a second first edition printing which will both include corrections for and introduce a few typographical errors, eliminate large portions of cooking instructions, and contain an additional section of photographs of food.

I found myself in darkness. It didn’t occur to me at the time, but it must have been the middle of the night. I raised the upper half of my body and look around, seeing only empty space, so I swung my legs around the edges of my resting place, searching for some sort of ledging to lower myself to ground level. It was a success and I began my descent, but about halfway down, a window caught my attention and I halted progress to take in my surroundings. The window was part of an undeterminable-colored house. So naturally, I climbed right in. I smelled some chomps, so I headed through a door to a room with a stairwell going down on one side and the other with a typical bedroom setup: dresser with mirror, desk, shelving unit with books and movies, bed with single shoe placed in center. I was drawn to the shelves, where I picked up a huge piece of strudel that must have been placed to cool and forgotten. I took a bite. Lovely berries flavor. So good. I have it preferred to forest apples. Some brownies on a plate were on the desk and I snagged those too for eating later. Next, I was getting thirsty, so I headed down the stairs and grabbed a half-gallon container of 2% milk sitting out on a table. I broke the seal with a butter knife, drank some of it, but couldn’t finish, so I fumbled around in my pockets for some silica gel but couldn’t find any. Seeing a cabinet door to my left, I open it up and find a tub of rice. I drop a handful of grains into the milk carton and leave it where I found it.

~I missed the Barley Chef today. Even though he’s my favorite, I’ve only seen a few episodes of his show. I have a fear that if I learn the secrets of barley this way, I may ultimately not have as great an overall appreciation for it as I might if I were to try on my own. But if I try to teach myself barley cooking, I won’t ever come close to the amount of barley-related knowledge as modern barley cooks.~

As I walked forward, the thought of the sandwich I ate occupied my mind. I don’t know how much time passed, but it was now night and I could make out something that left an impression to me as being an concrete loft cube at a dig site. I didn’t stop at it, and continued on, reaching a home. I really had to take a piss, so I headed inside, but there was a huge line for the washroom. After getting in, it was completely empty. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I had to use the water to fix up my hair a bit, but I was soon lost in thought. What am I doing here, and why did I get here? What does it look like when someone has a fire burning in their eyes? My eyes look black in the middle. Maybe robots have lights in their eyes. If my face were slightly more robotic, I might be a robot. Everyone kind of is a robot. After all, they pray to Robotsk—someone entered the door. This person had a sad look in the eyes, but I knew how to offer a cheering up. I reached into my cargo pocket and grabbed a handful of brownie. “Hey there, what’s wrong? Don’t worry.. sshhh.. sshhhh... just look at me, everything’s gonna be all right. Here, I brought you some of mother’s brownies.”

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Internotable Potables

I was getting pretty excited. Mouth salivating, about to take a bite of a delicious bacon-flavored marshmallow. This must be the first time such a wonderful product has been made widely available. Images raced through my mind, wondering about a new world. I would burst into random houses and rifle through kitchen cabinets, searching, and there would be one item that is a sure find every time: the bacon marshmallows. As I placed the marshmallow into my mouth, I almost didn’t realize the truth of the situation because of my preconceived flavor ideas. This was in fact just a normal strawberry marshmallow.

Seeing there was no longer a wall in front of me, I got out of my cross-legged sitting position, one of my favorites from childhood. Today’s children have much more uncomfortable sitting styles. For example, I believe the current procedure for proper sitting instilled upon youth is to have the right leg stretched out fully, middle finger of right hand wrapped around the right index toe, left leg bent at the knee with left foot resting on ground beneath right leg, left elbow resting on left knee, and back of left hand placed over the mouth and schnoz. All this got me thinking about when I used to watch the Barley Chef on television...

~”Now, our next recipe comes from a Lars Cooldude of Sandwich. Let’s see, first we boil a pot full of barley. We’re off to a good start here! I don’t think anything can go wrong, we have a recipe for success! Alright, drain the water, and stir in some mustard mustard to taste. I’m feeling a little adventurous here, so I’m going to add chopped onions and garlic cloves to mine. Some of you out there might not be able to handle this, I can understand. We’re about done here, so I’m going to pour this into plastic baggies for snacking on the go. Wonderful idea, Lars! We also had a recipe from a ‘Zeefer’, but sadly we do not accept submissions from large organizations, no matter how great the recipe is.” I watch the screen fade through watery eyes and some commercial appears for an upcoming movie everyone has been talking about lately.~

The emergency food station was just ahead. Excellent timing on the food station’s part since I was starved. I headed down the stairs and examined my surroundings. Operating in this environment is first nature to me. I was about to get to work, when I saw that someone must have been here already, since there was a completed sandwich with nondescript soy drink waiting for me. It was really something else: meatballs with a certain special sauce drizzled all over them. So good. Glancing around some more, I found a package that claimed to contain ingredients for a drink that fixes love problems. Even though I didn’t want to risk bringing an end to my relationship with sandwiches, I couldn’t help but imagine the end product. Terrible. I’m ashamed to admit that I thought of it. I’m sorry. On the way out, I saw a tableau that reminded me of someplace I might have been before, but I couldn’t quite place it. I closed my eyes and shook my head, then moved on.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Great Deceiver Food Boxen

I recently have acquired some cock sauce and I feel that it is the sort of thing I would like to take with me everywhere, just in case a situation comes up. I encourage everyone else to do the same.

I exited the building looking at my altimeter I always carry with me wherever I go. 417 feet beneath the ground level. It looked like I was in the heart of a city. Everything had a pale green hue to it, reminding me of the color of someone’s skin if poisonous artichokes were to be passively eaten by them. Feeling a sense of accomplishment for having come so far, I looked upwards dramatically, but the cave’s ceiling was there blocking a sweet view of clouds or a starry sky. Anyway, I had wanderlust and began to head over to the local mall.

~A long time ago, the people lived happily and freely, but, without their knowing, an evil slowly began to spread, clouding their minds and souls with darkness. Naturally, they proceeded to make a pact with the devil. Raising the devil’s battlement edition loftcube, they hoped to bring a new man into the world. One who would be remembered by history as the first to invent long steel cutlery, harbingering a new age, and going forth to sample fine foods everywhere.~

I put back the movie in the foreign film section. der gottlose Feinschmecker. These things weird me out sometimes, but I have a fondness for them. I just browsed through some more aisles for stuff before heading out. I was getting hungry again at this point, so I start looking for some chomps. Anything will do, but I was hoping for some specially prepared still sealed meals. Maybe it’s an eating disorder or mental condition, but I want to be sure that I’m the first one to have eaten from a specific food item. A heaping plate of risotto was sitting out, so I engaged in gormandization, and once satisfied, I headed once again on my way.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Makin Bacon

It may be a difficult procedure, but if you can cook your bacon rare, you will have the opportunity to collect the benefits. And don’t let people discourage you by telling you it’s just soggy old bacon.

Light steel walls lined the corridor and the floor was made of dirty metal grating, with a river of strawberry drug-laced milk running beneath it. Strawberry milk can be dangerous, because if you, specifically, start drinking it and get a thing going on, you can forget how you like banana milk so much more. I saw another stairwell going down, so I proceeded. Upon reaching the top of my ascent, I was in a small bedroom, with the ceiling at an angle, I assume because of the roof of the building. The room had a light brown feeling to it, sort of like the house was made out of wood, except that it wasn’t. There was however a desk made out of wood, and on it was placed a bowl of soup. I couldn’t resist, so I tried it out. A little taste test. I don’t want the next person who eats from this to die from poisoning. As I swallowed, memories rushed into my mind.

~I am carrying a bowl of soup, with mittens on, to protect me from the heat. I walk a bit too quickly, and the hot liquid spills onto the mittens, going through to my skin. Unable to just stop now, I continue on to the cellar, where I can finally place the bowl down safely. Relieved that the soup is safe, I take the mittens off, to find out that my hands have become melded. Now, I was looking upon one fine pair of club hands.~

I leave the soup where it was, confident that it is indeed safe, and headed back down the stairs. Arriving at the landing, I read a panel on the left wall: “B22”. I estimated that I must have been 367 feet underground at this point. Despite the hallways being mostly dark, I was able to see things clearly, and commit all the images to memory. The walls looked to be maybe some sort of concrete, with cracks in it from vines growing through. I imagined that a shopping mall could have been located here at one point, so I took a look into one of the side rooms, and saw a display of products. Back into the hallway, I headed down to continue, hoping to perhaps find some old stereo equipment along the way.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Sandwich Time ist over.

I invented a food teleporter for sending food long distances, but I had mixed feelings about it. After it scans the food item and replicates it at the destination, it destroys the original. Was the food actually teleported? I don’t want such a device to exist in this world.

After a sandwich is gone, I lose track of time. My autowandering took over, and I arrived at an underground room with shiny steel walls, and rusty bolts along seams. On all the sides of the bolts, blue goo was present. I went through the tunnels at the end of the room and took a left turn, arriving at the information room. A glass panel was on the wall, and through it, packages passed by on a conveyer belt. I turned towards my mailboxen, but first noticed the newspaper stand nearby. I picked up my favorite, and took a look through to see if I could find anything. There were some ads for vacations in the fjords, and also articles on food etiquette. Something about the food article seemed familiar to me, so I checked it out.

~... but be careful. Once you reach the center, you cannot continue eating. To do so would be a serious mealtime faux pas. If you need help, just try to imagine you are eating artichoke hearts. So in the future, please plan out your strategy for eating cinnamon rolls ahead of time so you don’t get backed into a corner at the dinner table.~

I noticed that I was the one that wrote the article. I put my pen down, and snipped a coupon for some mushrooms. I always love a good mushroom deal.

music to accompany the internote: Cinema Bizarre - Love Songs (They Kill Me).

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Comes Full Sandwich (Part 1).

I used to make my hot chocolate with heavy cream, but later on I began using skim milk. Now recently, I’m using water, and I don’t even heat it up.

It’s freezing today. I walked over to see if the window was left open. If it had been open, that would be just nuts since it would mean it’s been like that for several months now. Anyway, it turns out that it’s open a crack and a draft is coming in. Now, I’ve been suspicious about this draft for a while now, but I never attempted to confirm it was in fact there. I tried to close the window more, but it looks like it’s as far shut as it can get. This is ridiculous. I considered for a moment caulking it shut, but I have memories of it being summer and still too hot even with a system of multiple fans circulating air through. I want to avoid any problems down the line, so I reconsider.

I put on my shoes that have metal bolts in the soles, to prevent slipping on ice and scratch nice floors, then head out. It actually doesn’t happen often, but when the ground is all icy, I find myself having trouble keeping my footing while walking around. What’s worse about this is that on these days, the grass might also be muddy, making both foot-travel options not look so great. As I walked outside, I noticed all the icicles hanging on the trees. They look to me more like one large connected system of ice, rather than individual icicles you could break off and have the rest left alone. As I looked at it, my mind went back to previous winters. Standing at the stop for pubtransing, we found a huge icicle hanging off of a house. This one was a few feet in length and broke off easily for our time-killing icicle duels. The snow was piled pretty high next to the street, but it was still fresh. When snow is sitting too long next to the street, it tends to collect a lot of dirt and become a really nasty sort of slush. Just thinking about it made me remember a time I was walking eastward to catch a bus earlier for better seat selection. I don’t particularly have great perception when it comes to keeping track of what vehicles are coming, I was only concerned really about a bus, but I should have made note of this one. A snow plow was heading towards my group. It came closer and since it’s moving at a decent speed, it picks up all the slush sitting by the curb. A huge black wall of the dirty slush formed and came at us, like a wave of death. I really couldn’t think to do anything about it; I didn’t know how I could possibly get out of the way. I was left covered in the cold slush, and it made for a very unpleasant hour on the bus going back home. I took my gaze back from the icicles on the tree and continue walking on. I had some worries in the back of my mind still. Scenarios played out where the whole thing of sharp ice would come crashing down on top of me. I noticed myself walking in an arc slightly more away from the tree, even though I know I was far enough away from it so there would never be a problem.

I headed north now, and I started wondering what time it was now. I had forgotten to check what time I woke up at, but previous experience waking up told me that it more likely was around 04:00 to 05:00. I felt comfortable with how much time was left in the day, and it helped me to keep going. I passed by one of my favorite sandwich places, Agarish Chomps, and decided to stop in. It’s sort of a tradition for me to go there anyway, and I’m not one to break with traditions. I took a look around. They had the usual selection of chips and snack mixes sitting on shelves. I didn’t particularly feel much for those today, even if they had my flavor. I turned my attention to the large menu of different sandwiches available for my selection. I know that lately, it’s popular to always mix artichokes with spinach, so I decided to try that out on a roast beef sandwich. Some people say that the roast beef sandwich signifies something fancy, or that it carries with a meaning of this meal being more important than meals eaten on most days. For me, personally, that holds some truth. Eating a roast beef sandwich is a real experience that most other foods don’t match up to. Of course, there are fancier foods, but roast beef has its own unique place. When my sandwich was finally ready, I took it with me so I could eat it while traveling. For some reason, it never really occurs to me to eat food I buy at the location of purchase, even at places that have a really nice comfortable set up.

I unwrapped my sandwich from the paper, and began eating it while walking. So good. It reminds me of the old pizza and can of soda deal for two bucks. But my true passion is sandwiches, not pizza, even if pizzas are really nice. One of my dreams is to one day own a sandwich shop, a super fun food house. I started dreaming about this as I took bites out of my sandwich. In my mind, the main problem with my plan, though, is designing a nice welcoming setting. Most people only like places that they’re familiar with from early in their lives, so I’m already at a disadvantage here. Even if my design is somehow much better than those of other shops, nearly everyone will prefer one they’ve been familiar with for a longer time.

As I continued walking on, after my sandwich had been finished for a while already, I began to wonder, just where exactly I was heading. I didn’t know at the time, but I would never know the reason I went on this walk.

music to accompany the internote: OMD – Tesla Girls.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Invöerstigation Forever

I usually feel like exploring whenever I eat Mr. Baron's microwave oven pizzas, so I took a trip over to the local Pizzeria for some extra nightlunch. Imagine the shock on my face when I discovered that the pizza you buy there isn't frozen and in need of microwaving, but it is in fact, ready to eat at time of purchase! Well, at least this is what I found in my camcorder's recording I made of the event. I personally still find it too wild and crazy and I refuse to believe it is true. It's not often that I have actual physical copies of video recordings of my dreams, but I'm hoping for a more realistic dream next time.

I hadn't seen Beltman for some time, and so I had taken up applying myself towards various arts and crafts. During this time I went back some thousand years maybe. Seeing this as an opportunity to bring something wonderful to the world, I decided to invent the world's very first double boiler. And while I was at it, I tried my hand at baking pies. Since Lemon Meringue is a pie with much hidden potential, I tried baking that same pie over and over again. Then one night, on a full moon, I experienced a pie fusion accident. This new pie retained some of the qualities of the Lemon Meringue, but it was also very different. I called this new intense pie the Key Lime Pie...

...with Galaxy Beltman's help, I was once again at the Fjord. Earthquakes and storms were destroying the lands, and the wisemen of SouffleFjord had decided that to find out the nature of these disasters, the One True Speaker must be sought out in the Belt System. This is when I was sent off on my journey to Deception island to find the Interphased Time Warp Facilitator. But first, I thought I would take a relaxing stop at the SGA...

Meanwhile, 10 floors underneath the central administration building of SouffleFjord, the evil Namtleb awoke from endless nightmares and torments, mad with lust for revenge. "I want my amulet back!" Unfortunately, the 10 floor maze was too ridiculously difficult for Namtleb to navigate, and he ultimately decided to end his suffering by teleporting himself into solid rock.

... with Brosepf gone, I activated the Time Warp Facilitator and added the Thorium fuel cells. Having my zippermask and belt-pineapple, I would be safe on this journey. "Goodbye forever, SouffleFjord. If you want to keep in contact, use the following e-mail address."

(P.S. There will be no e-mail address.)