Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Sardines with BONES

I had a good experience with those sardines in tomato sauce I ate before. I think some of it might have had to do with how it was King Oscar brand and that just seems real classy to me. So I got sardines again, but these ones are big and in soybean oil instead of tomato sauce.

I first thought something was wrong when I opened it up and it smelled awful. I didn't realize there were tons of bones in it until I started eating a bit and had a bunch of little crunchy things in my mouth. They're like tiny little rib bones all over the place and I was eating them.

Here's what was going through my head while I ate it:

"I'm going to do it. I'm going to eat those sardines. Ugh, this is so disgusting. It smells so bad. They're huge disgusting pieces of sardines. It makes me want to vomit, looking at it with the smell too. I go. ... That was rough. I shuddered when I was eating it. Okay, time for a second bite. Maybe I liked them more last time because they were in tomato sauce - this time it's soybean oil. I don't know.. I don't know if I can do it - finish the can. ... ughhhhh, spine bones! It looks like a bunch of dead rotting fish. mannn.. ughh.. no, I can do it. I don't give up on food. ... mann, freaking bones. I hate bones in fish - they're small and everywhere sometimes. When you eat chicken, you know where the bones are gonna be and it's cool. Also you don't run into spine bones. I swear, I'm supposed to be looking at food, but all I'm seeing is the cover of Doom II Master Levels. ... man, ughh. little crunchy things I'm chewing on. ... man, freaking bones! I feel like I've been through this scenario before. And it's like, why the hell is this part all purple/dark red colored? Am I supposed to eat that?? I don't even know what to do. Man, these spines. And all those tiny little ribs. Okay, so I've eaten like two thirds of it so far. I can do it. ... man, okay. ... I ate all the meat. I did it. I'm not feeling so good. I need to rest or something."

There's a million little bones in this and they break off the spine so easily that it's impossible to remove them all. And after I was done, it looked like some kind of boneyard. It was disgusting, and I rate this food item zero of two.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Peanut Butter Sauce Pasta

I just got like three jars of peanut butter, so I'm all excited to eat a lot of peanut butter. I looked up online some recipe for a peanut butter sauce to use on pasta, but I didn't remember exactly what all the instructions were for it while I was in the kitchen. It probably doesn't matter because I wasn't about to start measuring things anyway.

Okay, so first, I cooked some pasta. It's wheels. I kept some of the boiling water in a glass cup so I could use it for my sauce.

Then for the sauce, I dumped in a bunch of chunky peanut butter because I thought it would be neat to have a bunch of little peanut pieces in the end. Then I poured in about the same amount of hot water as there was peanut butter. I was going to use some half and half next, but mine was chunky and smelled like old yogurt, so that's no good. Instead I used a glob of bacon grease from when I ate a ton of bacon. I remembered it said something about soy sauce and garlic cloves, so I poured in a bit of a pack of soy sauce and then some garlic herb powder I had. And also cock sauce.

So the sauce recipe is like this:
- chunky peanut butter
- hot water from the pasta
- bacon grease
- soy sauce
- garlic herb powder
- cock sauce

There are no amounts or measurements! You're supposed to eyeball it and taste it a ton as you do it!

I rate it two of two because I love peanut butter and I'm proud of myself for this after my last pasta disaster.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Do you like the name "Zeefer"?

The reviews are in!

"I can't help but think of weed when I hear zeefer."

"Zeefer is a bit strange!"

"I'm not sure about Zeefer. I don't know, I like unique names, but Zeefer is a little too unique. It reminds me of a transformer!"

"Zeefer is awful."

"Zeefer--absolutely not."

"Zeefer.... well I'm just unfamiliar with it."

"Zeefer sounds like reefer so no"

"Zeefer is horrible! That poor child!!"

Friday, March 19, 2010

Bacon substitutes

I found myself craving a BLT, but I've never cooked bacon and I wasn't sure we had any. But I did find a can of bacon-flavored SPAM. The result was this:

I'm sure it would have tasted just as good with regular SPAM, but I wanted the vague bacon flavor to remind me of what I wasn't actually eating.

It's worth noting that the SPAM is much more consistent to lay on the bread, as actual bacon requires time-consuming, careful placement for a comfortable-to-wield sammich. And this was one comfortable-to-wield sammich.

Monday, March 15, 2010

"Lots of Good Stuff" Giant Shell Pasta

After finding out about giant pasta, I decided to build upon my previous nutella and pasta food experiment. This time, it's giant shells, and instead of just nutella, I filled some with peanut butter, and a few with marshmallow creme. Then I poured honey all over the top. If it looks like there's not all that much nutella in some of them, that's because it's a tip of the iceberg kind of deal.

Honestly I think this is kind of too intense, and I would not eat this for dinner every day of the week. Maybe only on special occasions or when I'm not thinking clearly.

I rate this food item one out of two.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Fluffy Tapioca Cream

As someone who's only ever made instant pudding, the idea of using a 20-year-old box of Tapioca mix that requires egg and sugar and vanilla extract to be mixed in should have seemed daunting. By the way, here's the box:

It looks older in-person, not quite as vibrant, and you can see the old-fashioned type as you turn it over.

Anyways, it should have seemed daunting. Everyone was saying I should just use the instant mix, and be done in 5 minutes. But no, I wanted this:

And it tastes like tapioca! I'm hoping that when it cools it's also fluffier. That nice bowl of it was made using just three tablespoons of tapioca mix... so next time I'll use double the ingredients and take pictures of the process. Something tells me I should use up that box.

Oh, and yes, I post here now. There can never be enough food-related internotes.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Nutella Spaghetti

I was about to pour alfredo sauce on some spaghetti when I realized the one thing that my pasta was missing: chocolate. So I put some nutella on top of it instead. It turned out just as awesome as I expected it to too.

Here's the recipe:

- cook some pasta
- when you're about to dump tomato sauce or pesto or something on it out of habit, STOP! instead dump nutella on it

I rate this food item two out of two.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Laptop Sound Fix


If you're like me, the biggest problem on your laptop computer is the volume knob. It's always getting in the way when the computer is in your lap, changing the volume way up or down without you knowing. And mine is even worse because for whatever reason, it's messed up and turning it both to the right AND to the left will increase the volume. There's only one choice: to destroy it.


The main issue here is that it's way in there and hard to get at, so you're going to need a few tools to do this. Pliers may seem like what you need at first, but they're just too big for this job, so you should get your hands on some curved arterial forceps. You might think to move down to a thin tweezer like from a swiss army knife, but those just won't provide the kind of grip that you'll need even though they're just about the only thing that's going to fit in there.


So what needs to happen is to cut open some more working space around the top and bottom of the volume knob. A wood saw is pretty good at removing some of the plastic, but you might want to file it after you're done to get rid of any jagged edges. Once you've done that, just take your forceps and get a good grip on the knob, then bend and pull until you bread off enough pieces of it. You're probably not going to be able to remove the core of it unless you actually open up your laptop, which may not be an option for you if you're already ground out the screws on the back in a previous operation. Also, opening up the back will probably mean you should turn the power off first and we want this to be a simple outpatient procedure.


After you're satisfied with how much you've torn apart that volume knob that has been causing you endless torment all these years, it's time to close up the wound. Caulk might be a good choice, but chewing gum is a lot more prevalent, in fact you probably have some in your mouth right this second, so just take off a piece of that and fill up the hole you've made. Once it's dried up, you'll have a nice battle scar to impress chicks with.