Tasty Food

"Rib-eye is a great cut of meat."

I was in the mood for some chomps and found myself heading over to the store. I eyed out the steaks I wanted, then looked for the margarine. I relly need some margarine. It's important. There was none on the refrigerated sections or near the butter, so I went on looking on the other shelves. I couldn't find it near the oils, but I got distracted and started looking for grape seed oil and chocolate marshmallows, neither of which were present either. Thinking about the status of margarine, I recalled that it is a synthetic material constructed out of plastics and has been declared a biohazard, so I took my search further into the aisle with bleach. Still, no sign of it. I called it quits and picked up the steaks with some other stuff and left.

I don't know if you know this about me, but I am a master griller. I am the best at applying heat to steaks through use of grill machinery. After dumping on steak rub and grilling, I let it rest for a few minutes, not because I thought it was a good idea, but because I needed a short break before eating them. Briefly, the idea crossed my mind to heat up some potatoes or maybe broccoli, but I may have just now made up that I thought of it for story and character development purposes.

[Here's the Food]

Sandwich Test

I like combining things like mustard and cheese, so I did that along with chicken and cock sauce on a small tortilla. I was thinking about adding lettuce or a vegetable but then I came to my senses and decided not to make it taste bad on purpose.

[Half-eaten Sandwich]

Idea Sprouts

I've been getting a lot of mail from readers lately, concerned about a lack of food being eaten. The truth is that I have been eating food, but there has been a terrible accident: I was developing my instant film in a darkroom and I messed up, ruining all the pictures. I managed to save one though by throwing my body in front of it.

[Food Picture]

I probably could tell you about some of the food since I don't have pictures, but I can't because revealing my methods and procedures would get me kicked out of the secret cooks organization.

Also, I'm thinking to expand and have more fun internotes, which would include exciting true stories, food experiments, videos of me being cool and playing the guitar, contests with prizes for readers, and supercool hand-drawn pictures. So yeah.

A Meatball Sandwich

I don't have anything to say about this one.

[The Sandwich]

(note: it's smoked mozzarella and sharp cheddar)

Mothers Brownies

Don't worry, everything's gonna be all right. Shush, just look at me. I'll make you some of Mother's Brownies.

I actually baked this bath(sick(sic)) of brownies about a week or so ago, but forgot to internote it. I used Baker's baking chocolate, which has the recipe written on the back of the box. If you look at the front of the box, next to the name, the picture looks like a mother holding a tray of brownies. This image is also imprinted upon each piece of chocolate inside.

1.5 sticks of butter
4 blocks of unsweetened baking chocolate
2 cups normal sugar
3 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup flour

Melt the butter and chocolate, then combine them and toss in the other stuff in order. When it's together, dump into a 13x9 inch baking pan (I lined it with parchment paper) and bake it at 350F for 30 to 35 minutes. Oh yeah, the oven should probably be preheated first. That's important. When enough time has passed, take the back end of a match and poke a hole in the brownies. If it comes out clean, they should be done, so you can then strike the match as a sign of victory.

[Mother's Brownies]

These things taste pretty great, and you should eat them. Some people say brownies should cool first, but they don't know what they're talking about. Take advantage by putting the still hot brownies on a plate and then a nice scoop of vanilla ice cream next to it.

(note: me calling these Mother's Brownies and the image looking like a mother are completely unrelated)

Troy Chocolate Cake

I got a huge amount of fanmail recently about the Crispy Mister Sandwich in regard to the contest I set up. They were all mostly good attempts at the sandwich, but I think this one stood out as the best. Congratulations to the winner; you will be receiving a package of stickers in the mail along with a jam rock music cd! (note: contest void in canada)

I know I said the previous chocolate cake I made was the chocolate cake that would make all other cakes obsolete, but I like eating cake so I made this cake recipe provided by Anna of CookieMadness: Troy Chocolate Cake.

~A long time ago I made a childhood promise about cakes. Arbitrary childhood promises are the kinds of things that really define your character. For example, the classic “never change”. I however made vowed never to bake a cake again after a horrible tragedy occurred. I had baked a wonderful cake mix cake for some friends, and brought it over to one of their houses so everyone could enjoy. Unfortunately, the four sticks of butter involved in this small cake was too much, instantly killing my best friend upon impact with his mouth. Never again would I allow such a thing to happen.*~

The Troy Chocolate Cake is different in that it doesn’t involve butter in the batter. It is a cake of healing. Instead it has a bunch of mayonnaise, something you may remember from the tuna melt sandwich recipe, so it’s certain to be a success. I began working on the initial steps of mixing things together in bowls. At first, I thought to just use a cereal bowl, but using my keen powers of foresight, I recalled that the ingredients listed would not fit, so I opted for a larger metal bowl. I saw in the corner of my eye some sort of automatic electrical mixing machine, but I decided not to call upon higher powers to assist me just yet. I was getting exhausted at this point; it was time for a break. I indulged in some Breyers ice cream. Mmm, smooth and creamy.

[Mixing Things]

I took out some parchment paper to line the pan and pressed it in to fit, but it popped back up, refusing to give in. I was about to have a mental breakdown here, but I decided to pour the batter in anyway, and it turns out everything worked out fine.

[Ready for Baking]

I put it in the oven at 325 for 35 minutes, then got started on the icing. I spent time sifting the confectioners sugar which I’m sure I completely ruined the point of sifting it in the first place when I just dumped all the ingredients together at the same time and was determined to mix by hand with a spoon. The cake finished as I was about done with the icing.

[Icing]
[Cake and Icing]

The icing was kind of lumpy, but I really don’t mind. The end result is a tasty cake.

[Icinged Cake]

*Exciting True Stories may or may not be exciting or true.

Crispy Mister Sandwich

It was nightlunch time, so I went into the kitchen as normal procedure. Looking through some cabinets, I decided that I would do something with nutella. Spreading it on bread might be good. Maybe if the bread was coated in lard and fried it might be better. Frying bread was an idea I liked, but I couldn’t fit the nutella into it without being a real europoofter so I decided to go into a sandwich route. Cheese and meat is good, so I got some provolone cheese and sliced ham ready. This sandwich was looking like it might be kind of [large fancy colourful ‘L’]ame at this point, mostly because of the bread, so I cracked some eggs (you may remember I am the best at cracking eggs), mixed them with a fork and combined them with two slices.

[Sandwich Preparation]

Luckily there was just enough for all of the eggs to be absorbed fully. I didn’t know how to get this from my eggy bowl to the frying pan, so I thought to put them on a paper towel at first, but then I just brought the pan over to the table with all my cooking organization. I would put the paper towels I got ready to use later. My plan for the sandwich was to have the cheese on the outsides of the ham, so they would get melty better. It is always important to have the meal fully planned out. After layering one slice of egg-soaked bread in the pan with cheese, I put on a bunch of slices of ham.

[Sandwich Construction]

During this, I kept reassuring myself that I’ve had a previous experience with this, and I feel it would be in my best interest to add more meat than I think I need. On top of the ham, another layer of cheese, then the second bread slice. It was time for cooking process, and everything was going fine until I decided it was important that I flip the sandwich over a lot to check how it’s cooking.

[Sandwich Cooking]

The first flip was a disaster; cheese was falling out, one slice of bread slid halfway off from all the contents, and it may have been my imagination, but I thought I tore the bread in half. And while trying to fix it, I managed to burn two of my fingers from direct contact with the pan.

[Sandwich Cooking]

Realizing I forgot about buttering the pan, I snuck in some butter while lifting the sandwich up since butter is a secret ingredient. I let it cook for a while though and it was looking all right again.

[Sandwich Cooking]

When the sandwich was finished, I determined that it was overall a great success! The bread had that great french toast taste to it, the cheese was all melty and delicious, and the ham was meaty. Actually, I think the ham was way too sweet for the sandwich. I would maybe want a meat that’s completely meaty without the overwhelming sweetness for next time.

[Sandwich]

Egg Melt Sandwich

...
"Then imagine opening it and look inside."
Okay. ... left ... though.
"What's in the fridge?"
Greasy sausage gravy ... peppermint sugar syrup.
"Do you want to eat these things?"
... have heartburn ... nine or ten hundred years.
"Eww, that's disgusting."
... I'm closing ... heading right ....
"No way! I'm not taking you there!"
... I know you'll take me there eventually.

Gathering up the ingredients is an essential step for creating a food dish. Usually you’d do this with a shopping list planned out ahead of time with words written on it. I love it when I see words written for me. But I didn’t have one of these. I was gathering up interesting things. Eggs are easy, so I grabbed a few of those. You may not know this about me, but I am a master at cracking eggs. I can crack a hundred baker’s dozen eggs and not even know it. I put those on the counter and sort of wrapped a towel around them so they don’t crack themselves. I took out the cock sauce, since it always adds potential. I needed something tasty, so I headed into the bone cellar for some canned tuna. It’s pretty cold there. I once was carrying a bowl of soup there to eat, since I was sick, and it was spilling all over my hands, burning them. I saw some instant mashed potatoes so I grabbed those as well. Heading back to the kitchen, I realized I still need some odd and ends to put things together. Couldn’t find any bread, so I took out a bag of small tortillas, and the package of swiss cheese that was sitting next to it. Cheese is pretty great, especially when it’s melty. I tossed things into the frying pan for the first attempt, which didn’t turn out well since most parts were added as an afterthought.

[Beginning Cooking]
[Potatoes and First Sandwich]
[Sandwich with Additional]

It tasted good enough to make me want another, and bad enough to make me think I could do better. This time I added everything in during the cooking organization.

[Cooking Sandwich 2]
[Sandwich Formula]
[Final Sandwich]

Underrated Chocolate Cake

My brother recently left on a trip to find some wild cougar that has been reported lately to be hanging around forest preserves. I was pretty excited, so I used this as an excuse to get baking as a celebration and have myself an Eatrian Odyssey. I found a bag of premade cake mix inside a box on a shelf, but when I looked at the instructions, I just wasn’t satisfied. I just had to shape it to my personal taste, so I took out the eggs and vegetable oel. Peanut butter is really great, and I really don’t like chocolate chips, so I tossed in a bunch of those. Also, I added some water, since it doesn’t work without that. You have to be an experienced chef to know these subtle factors that influence the cake. I mixed it up with a fork, and it already was looking good enough for me to eat at this point, but I decided to stick it in the microwave oven just for the heck of it. I set it to two minutes, and took it out when I felt it was right. It turned out great. I am a huge fan of things that taste good. Although I am proud of myself for this, I feel that I want to experiment and further alter the recipe next time and truly make it my own.

Tip: If possible, use Chicago tap water for zebra mussel taste.

to taste – chocolate cake mix
to taste – water
to taste – peanut butter chips

[Ingredients]
[Finished Product]

Tactical Piquenick

I have a Pulli that has “Starved Rock” written across the front. You know, people always have things written on their clothes. I think it’s kind of stupid for the most part. I also have a Pulli with my birthday on it. I mean, that’s kind of neat. So, it could be neat, too, reader. But, my idea was: instead of reading what it does now, my Pulli should read on the front “Starved Ra”.

I was outside in a field during in a wonderful day. Everything was beautiful and perfect for the picnic I had planned. Tables were set up in table organization. Everything was relatively very passive. I set some snacks on the tables, but at this point I think the snack situation wasn’t so great; just some chips with nutella dip. By examining some of the food too much, I offended some of my guests already present: Charleston, Curator of Thunder; Bruno Cecilson, Bro; and Chompowitz, Invorstigator. Hearing the bus arrive with more of my picnic guests, I headed over to greet them.

~“Now, I can explain. I have somewhat of a notable background in food things, and I can tell you about how it works. The most important tip for a new food-person is not to overcrowd the pan. I can’t stress that enough. I mean, it’s important. The other tip is to have some secret ingredients that you can rely on.”
“You still haven’t given us an explanation, you know.”
“Yeeaaah... I need to head back to the washroom now.”~

The ecstatic guests got off the bus and were new to the picnic. They greeted me with hugs and excited remarks, because I’m cool like that, and brought some stuff; the stuff they brought was supposed to be gifts and food for the picnic I guess (one gift I thought was especially nice was an aloe vera (I think this one’s going to get out of hand pretty soon though (I’ve had experiences (it kept growing (these things grow way too fast, jeez (in retrospect, maybe I left it alone and stopped paying attention to it for too long at a time (I’m not good with keeping track of time))) way too much!) with aloe vera before))), but I had other plans. Due to a deal I had sealed earlier in the day with Thunder Curator Charleston, it began raining. This rain was really intense. It’s the kind of rain that makes you think “I really want to go inside. I know I don’t need to, but I’d really like to, and so I’m going to act on these thoughts.”. I planned this picnic to be next to a church, so I herded everyone inside. Once there, I turned to the group and spoke, “Oh, look everyone. Some sort of religious ceremony is taking place. Let’s participate in it. It’ll be fun. Who knows what’ll happen? Maybe we’ll all bond with each other, maybe we’ll start believing what the rest of these religioners are believing, maybe we’ll just have a grand time!” I don’t know what went wrong, but I tried to get them to all participate and before I knew it, I couldn’t find any of my picnickers. It’s like they all disappeared.