Zeefer Madness

Jack in the Box

2011-10-08T13:16:00.009-05:00

This is my new favorite fast food eat place, having eaten food here about 4 times so far. Part of it probably has to do with how I find the mascot hilarious:

He's kind of creepy like the Burger King king, but I think in a more non-threatening and funny way. They both just like to watch, but Jack is probably more business about it than the King is. The King, being carved out of a tree and then bronzed, has a wild obsession with watching. He can do nothing else. I tried to find him in Sterling, Colorado, the place of his creation, but he was not as easily found as the old woman in the visitor center told me he would be. The King was probably watching me the whole time.

Anyway, Jack in the Box, my New Favorite Fast Food Eat Place, has a bunch of good food choices. There are some rules about ordering food there though. Actually there aren't, but I just like to always order 2 tacos every time I'm there no matter what. There's something about how it's listed on the menu as "2 tacos" that cracks me up. Like you have to get two tacos at a time, and tacos only in even numbers. Can you buy just one taco? Probably you can order that, but you will still be charged for both tacos and right before the guy hands you your order, he takes one of the tacos out of the bag and drops it into the trash right in front of your face. This is the kind of place I would go to if ever I decided that tonight I will eat 100 tacos. (Update: people have apparently already done this and then filmed, with 200 tacos too. I guess I wasn't thinking big enough.) It's a good though to add on top of an order though, since it's only a dollar for two tacos.

Besides the tacos though, I ate the steak melt sandwich there (thumbs up) and another sandwich I ordered blind. I didn't have my glasses with me and the menu was way in the back. I could tell that there were about a dozen numbered items to order from so I went with a number that had to be a valid choice -- sandwich item number 7. It turned out to be a chicken sandwich with bacon on it. Also good.

Jack in the Boxes are open 24 hours per day, so it makes them an important middle-of-the-night food option. I think they serve their breakfast menu all day too, but I have not tried it. They also claim to have desserts and egg rolls on their menu, but I'm suspicious about that. Everyone knows that the other menu options in restaurants are just to make the menu look bigger and more impressive. Nobody actually orders those things. If you did, you'd get one of those "alright wise guy, what are you trying to pull?" looks. Actually, once when I was at Burger King, I did order the pie slice, and the employee didn't say anything strange about it. I thought it was going to be like a game of chicken, to see if I would first try to retract my ridiculous order of nonexistent pie to save myself embarrassment, or if the employee would end up having to confess that there is not and has never been any pie at a Burger King. I was in disbelief when I actually saw that I got served a slice of pie.

I rate Jack in the Box 2 out of 2.

"Eco" Cases

2011-08-08T15:17:00.003-05:00

I hate the Eco Cases that discs get sold in nowadays. A bunch of other idiots probably love them because they like to pretend to themselves that they are somehow "saving" the environment, and they enjoy being tricked by all the positive-sounding words surrounding them, like "friendly", "green", and "saving". Probably a lot of people who don't care about packaging design just immediately throw their cases in the garbage 2 minutes after ripping the case apart to get the disc out. I guess the recycling symbol would be appropriate then.

Here's a list about how eco cases are different from normal cases:
- the packaging looks shitty and full of holes
- it's name being "eco case" is pretentious
- when you hold it, it feels like it will crumple up like a sandwich bag
- the case cover art will get bent inwards easily and will be left with markings of where the holes are in the case
- whenever you buy one on ebay, there will be a much higher chance of the case art being damaged, either by the person who would sell their things so doesn't have as much as an incentive to keep it looking nice for himself, or during the mailing process when it's in a mailing envelope
- the holes in the case scream out "look! we found a way to save ourselves on manufacturing and shipping costs!"
- they don't hold up as well to being stacked in huge piles
- you have to buy another case if you want to replace it with a normal case

I rate eco cases 0 out of 2.

First Impressions of King's Field

2011-07-24T23:21:00.004-05:00

King's Field is a Playstation game that comes in a big Sega CD/Saturn sized box, except that the plastic is black and the cover has a sticker on it instead of the manual being the box's cover. Due the first King's Field not being released in english, King's Field is actually King's Field II and King's Field II is actually King's Field III, and King's Field: The Ancient City is actually King's Field IV, so as to not scare off new customers that might not play King's Field IV because they are afraid of high numbers.

I played the first King's Field for a short while so far:

- it's first-person action dungeonship crawling
- there are lots of scary skeletons
- the music is scary
- I'm scared of getting lost
- it takes me 4 seconds to turn around to check if there's a scary skeleton behind me

Another first-person view dungeonship crawling game I tried earlier was Arx Fatalis. I stopped playing shortly in when the game required that I draw symbols with the cursor to cast spells. Maybe I just found it extra annoying because I was doing it with a touchpad and a pen tablet, but I suspect I would still not enjoy doing it with a mouse.

Crusader: No Remorse PS1 review

2011-05-18T18:36:00.009-05:00

I recently came across Crusader: No Remorse for PS1 and bought it because it was only a few bucks. I was going to get the Saturn port because it has a sweet big saturn case, but it was more expensive, and I could get a sharper picture from the PS1 version through an HDMI cable.

I've played Crusader: No Remorse and Crusader: No Regret on my PC years back, so I'll just list some of the differences in this port from about 5 minutes of playing it:

- The game's resolution is 320x240 instead of the original's 640x480, so there is a lot less detail in everything.
- There are 5 setups for mapping the buttons to the controller. It really makes me wish there were at least two more buttons on the dualshock controller. It would have been a lot better if the game just let me assign buttons to commands myself instead of giving these premade setups.
- You can set the game to absolute movement instead of relative, which makes it so that you don't have to rotate your little man to change the direction he's facing.
- You run all the time and you cannot walk. Your weapon is always readied.
- You can roll forward.
- The automatic pistols have been removed from the game and you start with the first machine gun.
- According to the manual, there is no lasor pistol and no riot gun.
- There is a new weapon, the "Massdriver", which uses ammunition and energy.
- The shotgun does not fire more rapidly when you crouch.
- The HUD is more in the style of No Regret's HUD.
- The sprites are mirrored instead of having animations for facing left.
- When you hold down a shift button, and then left or right to roll or strafe, your little guy will keep strafing or rolling nonstop if you have the shift button pressed but stop pressing left or right.
- Some floors that used to be able to fall apart due to explosions are now solid floors.
- The music doesn't loop properly. And it seems to select a random track each time it is paused and then unpaused. It can play the final stage's music and the option screen's music during the first stage.
- Walls can be changed to transparent so you can see your little guy when you're behind them.
- Moving doesn't feel as precise as in the original version. It feels like the little guy slides around a bit.
- Because you cannot unready your weapon, there is no animation for the Silencer standing still with his arms at his sides. When you enter a health booth, he will not move to face outwards as his health recovers.
- You can see blood splatters from enemies as you shoot them.
- Robots are much more difficult to control because they can only walk in four directions now.

Note: I haven't played the original in years and I'm going by memory of what it was like.

Space Invaders Infinity Gene review

2011-02-13T02:16:00.011-06:00

Space Invaders is a pretty old vimeo game. It's one of those games that it's cool to tell people you like it. Sort of like how people will talk about how they love to play Pac-Man or how the best vimeo game ever is Galaga. They're okay games I guess, if you like to ignore every single better game that has come out since then - which these people probably do. Either that or these people just like these games for the cooldude points they get from talking to other people who know even less about vimeo games than they do. I hardly ever play these games, and I bet the people who claim they love them have played them even less than I have. I don't feel like reviewing the original Space Invaders from 1978, so here's a review of a new version of it I played on PS3 that was released recently:

Space Invaders Infinity Gene
- developer: Taito
- publisher: Square-Enix
- for: iOS
- ports for: Xdude 360, PS3
- on: you can't display it on a shelf because it's a download
- released: 2009/07/27 (iOS), 2010/09/14 (PS3), 2010/09/15 (Xdude 360)
- type of vimeogame: Spaceship Shooting Game

At first this game is like Space Invaders. You get a spaceship that can only move left and right, and it sucks at shooting. And then the game changes and becomes completely different as you keep playing, giving you things like super rapid fire, the ability to move everywhere on the screen, and different weapons to choose from before starting a stage. The game will tell you some quote about evolving and adapting while it does this. I guess you're supposed to adapt to Space Invaders becoming not Space Invaders. The original Space Invaders had an interesting thing going on with the destructible barriers between you and the aliens, and how you're going to automatically lose if you don't make sure to kill all the bad guys, but this game is all tons of bad guy formations flying around all over the place while you whale on them.

There are wire frame graphics everywhere in this game. It looks kind of boring. In addition to the standard alien enemies, there's a bunch of random shapes that fly around for you to shoot at. All your favorites are here, such as star, hexagon, the other hexagon with two lines in it, large wireframe battleships with rectangles inside of them, and I think I even saw octadecahedrons.

I quickly found the real reason to play this game: the Music Mode. What the game does is take a music file you pick from the hard drive, and then construct a stage based on that file while it plays that music as the stage music. I had a lot of fun playing music from other spaceship shooting games and pretending to myself that I was playing a better spaceship shooting game instead of Space Invaders Infinity Gene. Also fun is playing music that is totally inappropriate for a spaceship shooting game, like Lady Gaga music. I guess that you could just instead play any other spaceship shooting game with the music volume set at zero and have something playing on your laptop though, and it'd be better. This game only lets you have one song per music stage and do one music stage at a time, so when the boss appears, it just loops the song from the beginning again. I've never felt the need to change a game's music something else though. Games's normal music always suits them just fine, unless I'm making a youtube video of me playing the game. Then I would have to replace the normal music with Korn.

I rate this spaceship shooting game 0 out of 2.

Adult Content

2011-01-24T21:20:00.004-06:00

I'm taking the adult content warning off my internet. As funny as I think it is -- because of how content warnings are stupid -- I found it annoying when trying to translate my internote into french with google translate. Also it probably turns people away from the internote because it's an extra step you have to go through to L@@K at it.

Candy Bars

2011-01-06T10:51:00.004-06:00

I ate some candy bars recently. They're kind of similar. It's Three Musketeers, Milky Way, and Snickers. I used to think that Snickers was the best and Three Musketeers was the worst because of how much junk is put in each one, but now I feel the opposite way - mainly because of the nougat part of the candy.

Snickers - This has peanuts and caramel on top, but it has the lowest quality nougat inside. Also most of the space in the candy bar is wasted with the peanuts.

Milky Way - The nougat in here is better than in the snickers, but I feel like the caramel is a waste of space.

Three Musketeers - This thing is all nougat. I know what I'm getting and I like it. Also, I like the name better than the other two candy bars I talked about here.

If I had a choice between all three candy bars, I would pick Three Musketeers nearly all the time. The other times I would pick snickers and milky way to remind myself of why I like Three Musketeers more.

Update: It has come to my attention that the name of the candy bar is actually "3 Musketeers" and not "Three Musketeers". Maybe I was just excited to spell out the number.

Sardines with BONES

2010-04-21T01:47:00.003-05:00

I had a good experience with those sardines in tomato sauce I ate before. I think some of it might have had to do with how it was King Oscar brand and that just seems real classy to me. So I got sardines again, but these ones are big and in soybean oil instead of tomato sauce.

I first thought something was wrong when I opened it up and it smelled awful. I didn't realize there were tons of bones in it until I started eating a bit and had a bunch of little crunchy things in my mouth. They're like tiny little rib bones all over the place and I was eating them.

Here's what was going through my head while I ate it:

"I'm going to do it. I'm going to eat those sardines. Ugh, this is so disgusting. It smells so bad. They're huge disgusting pieces of sardines. It makes me want to vomit, looking at it with the smell too. ...here I go. ... That was rough. I shuddered when I was eating it. Okay, time for a second bite. Maybe I liked them more last time because they were in tomato sauce - this time it's soybean oil. I don't know.. I don't know if I can do it - finish the can. ... ughhhhh, spine bones! It looks like a bunch of dead rotting fish. mannn.. ughh.. no, I can do it. I don't give up on food. ... mann, freaking bones. I hate bones in fish - they're small and everywhere sometimes. When you eat chicken, you know where the bones are gonna be and it's cool. Also you don't run into spine bones. I swear, I'm supposed to be looking at food, but all I'm seeing is the cover of Doom II Master Levels. ... man, ughh. little crunchy things I'm chewing on. ... man, freaking bones! I feel like I've been through this scenario before. And it's like, why the hell is this part all purple/dark red colored? Am I supposed to eat that?? I don't even know what to do. Man, these spines. And all those tiny little ribs. Okay, so I've eaten like two thirds of it so far. I can do it. ... man, okay. ... I ate all the meat. I did it. I'm not feeling so good. I need to rest or something."

There's a million little bones in this and they break off the spine so easily that it's impossible to remove them all. And after I was done, it looked like some kind of boneyard. It was disgusting, and I rate this food item zero of two.

Peanut Butter Sauce Pasta

2010-04-17T15:31:00.002-05:00

I just got like three jars of peanut butter, so I'm all excited to eat a lot of peanut butter. I looked up online some recipe for a peanut butter sauce to use on pasta, but I didn't remember exactly what all the instructions were for it while I was in the kitchen. It probably doesn't matter because I wasn't about to start measuring things anyway.

Okay, so first, I cooked some pasta. It's wheels. I kept some of the boiling water in a glass cup so I could use it for my sauce.

Then for the sauce, I dumped in a bunch of chunky peanut butter because I thought it would be neat to have a bunch of little peanut pieces in the end. Then I poured in about the same amount of hot water as there was peanut butter. I was going to use some half and half next, but mine was chunky and smelled like old yogurt, so that's no good. Instead I used a glob of bacon grease from when I ate a ton of bacon. I remembered it said something about soy sauce and garlic cloves, so I poured in a bit of a pack of soy sauce and then some garlic herb powder I had. And also cock sauce.

So the sauce recipe is like this:
- chunky peanut butter
- hot water from the pasta
- bacon grease
- soy sauce
- garlic herb powder
- cock sauce

There are no amounts or measurements! You're supposed to eyeball it and taste it a ton as you do it!

I rate it two of two because I love peanut butter and I'm proud of myself for this after my last pasta disaster.

Do you like the name "Zeefer"?

2010-03-31T13:26:00.001-05:00

The reviews are in!

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091205115943AAbNKmR

"I can't help but think of weed when I hear zeefer."

"Zeefer is a bit strange!"

"I'm not sure about Zeefer. I don't know, I like unique names, but Zeefer is a little too unique. It reminds me of a transformer!"

"Zeefer is awful."

"Zeefer--absolutely not."

"Zeefer.... well I'm just unfamiliar with it."

"Zeefer sounds like reefer so no"

"Zeefer is horrible! That poor child!!"

Bacon substitutes

2010-03-19T19:59:00.005-05:00

I found myself craving a BLT, but I've never cooked bacon and I wasn't sure we had any. But I did find a can of bacon-flavored SPAM. The result was this:

I'm sure it would have tasted just as good with regular SPAM, but I wanted the vague bacon flavor to remind me of what I wasn't actually eating.

It's worth noting that the SPAM is much more consistent to lay on the bread, as actual bacon requires time-consuming, careful placement for a comfortable-to-wield sammich. And this was one comfortable-to-wield sammich.

"Lots of Good Stuff" Giant Shell Pasta

2010-03-15T16:21:00.004-05:00

After finding out about giant pasta, I decided to build upon my previous nutella and pasta food experiment. This time, it's giant shells, and instead of just nutella, I filled some with peanut butter, and a few with marshmallow creme. Then I poured honey all over the top. If it looks like there's not all that much nutella in some of them, that's because it's a tip of the iceberg kind of deal.

Honestly I think this is kind of too intense, and I would not eat this for dinner every day of the week. Maybe only on special occasions or when I'm not thinking clearly.

I rate this food item one out of two.

Fluffy Tapioca Cream

2010-03-03T17:45:00.006-06:00

As someone who's only ever made instant pudding, the idea of using a 20-year-old box of Tapioca mix that requires egg and sugar and vanilla extract to be mixed in should have seemed daunting. By the way, here's the box:

It looks older in-person, not quite as vibrant, and you can see the old-fashioned type as you turn it over.

Anyways, it should have seemed daunting. Everyone was saying I should just use the instant mix, and be done in 5 minutes. But no, I wanted this:

And it tastes like tapioca! I'm hoping that when it cools it's also fluffier. That nice bowl of it was made using just three tablespoons of tapioca mix... so next time I'll use double the ingredients and take pictures of the process. Something tells me I should use up that box.

Oh, and yes, I post here now. There can never be enough food-related internotes.

Nutella Spaghetti

2010-02-28T14:22:00.004-06:00

I was about to pour alfredo sauce on some spaghetti when I realized the one thing that my pasta was missing: chocolate. So I put some nutella on top of it instead. It turned out just as awesome as I expected it to too.

Here's the recipe:

- cook some pasta
- when you're about to dump tomato sauce or pesto or something on it out of habit, STOP! instead dump nutella on it

I rate this food item two out of two.

Laptop Sound Fix

2010-01-12T11:19:00.003-06:00

If you're like me, the biggest problem on your laptop computer is the volume knob. It's always getting in the way when the computer is in your lap, changing the volume way up or down without you knowing. And mine is even worse because for whatever reason, it's messed up and turning it both to the right AND to the left will increase the volume. There's only one choice: to destroy it.

The main issue here is that it's way in there and hard to get at, so you're going to need a few tools to do this. Pliers may seem like what you need at first, but they're just too big for this job, so you should get your hands on some curved arterial forceps. You might think to move down to a thin tweezer like from a swiss army knife, but those just won't provide the kind of grip that you'll need even though they're just about the only thing that's going to fit in there.

So what needs to happen is to cut open some more working space around the top and bottom of the volume knob. A wood saw is pretty good at removing some of the plastic, but you might want to file it after you're done to get rid of any jagged edges. Once you've done that, just take your forceps and get a good grip on the knob, then bend and pull until you bread off enough pieces of it. You're probably not going to be able to remove the core of it unless you actually open up your laptop, which may not be an option for you if you're already ground out the screws on the back in a previous operation. Also, opening up the back will probably mean you should turn the power off first and we want this to be a simple outpatient procedure.

After you're satisfied with how much you've torn apart that volume knob that has been causing you endless torment all these years, it's time to close up the wound. Caulk might be a good choice, but chewing gum is a lot more prevalent, in fact you probably have some in your mouth right this second, so just take off a piece of that and fill up the hole you've made. Once it's dried up, you'll have a nice battle scar to impress chicks with.

A Secret Post

2009-11-06T16:47:00.002-06:00

Here is a comic about how ebay works.

Candy Blood

2009-10-31T07:00:00.003-05:00

I got a chance to try this Halloween themed candy at some point. [sentences removed for adding nothing to the post] Anyway, it was taking forever to finish eating this thing - I had been going at it for a couple hours, and all the while, the candy blood was giving me this awful burning feeling in the back of my throat. It was also way too sweet. I ended up not eating all of it and having fun refilling and emptying the pouch with water at the sink. At some point later on, I found out that there was supposed to be like 50 servings of candy blood in it, so maybe that had something to do with it.

[Here is a better picture]

Since it's Halloween themed, I'm changing the post date to October. This may or may not be related to the fact that there was no internote in October.

Fried Eggiwegs

2009-09-20T21:08:00.003-05:00

I had a bunch of eggs, and since the first thing that comes to mind is to smash them, I started frying eggs in a pan. I smash them open on a flat surface because that seems to work best for me. But since my stove is electric and I had never used one before in my life, I had some problems with frying them at first.

Electric stoves don't make any sense! It's all a flat surface and then it turns red in color on the one spot and gets super hot somehow. Except that you can have your pan sitting on there for like 5 whole minutes and it still won't have reached some sort of temperature equilibrium. I had the dial at number 6 at first, and it felt like it wasn't hot enough to cook anything, so I turned it up to the max, and things were cool for a bit, but then it was way too much! I would butter the pan and before even a second could pass, the butter burned up. I guess in the end, my strategy was to turn the dial to the max, and try to get all my cooking done in that moment of time while it's still getting hotter, but before it's crazy ridiculously hot.

This is what they looked like once I got better at cooking them. I cooked most of them easy over, and after I got the hang of it, I was able to go through a half dozen eggs without breaking any of the yolks. And before eating them, I poured on some barbecue sauce and cock sauce because those make it taste great.

Canned Sardines

2009-08-12T23:24:00.005-05:00

I've never had the guts before to eat weird canned fish stuff, although I guess I do love to eat smoked oysters a lot, so I decided to eat canned sardines. King Oscar seems like a really classy guy, so he can't be wrong about flavor. I picked the sardines that were in tomato sauce instead of just oil or water or whatever the other ones were. It just felt like tomato was the only real choice for it.

They smelled really bad at first, but then when I started eating them, I couldn't get enough! From now on, I will associate the smell with excellent flavor.

Foods that are better not crispy

2009-07-07T15:00:00.004-05:00

This is a list of foods that I prefer to be flaccid:

- pizza (sometimes)
- taffy
- beef jerky
- souffles
- lunch meats
- gelatin
- soft cheeses
- ramen (sometimes)
- cookies
- bananas
- pop tarts (no wait, I think I like these more crispy)
- bacon
- pears

Corned Beef Hash

2009-06-30T22:04:00.004-05:00

I haven't updated in a while and if I don't update at least once per month, the boss is gonna really give it to me.

[Corned Beef Hash Photo 1]

[Corned Beef Hash Photo 2]

It tasted a lot better than I thought it would and I ate all of it. I accidentally broke my egg though. I think the beef got kind of crispy on the edges but I can't remember (I ate this like 5 years ago (a few months ago)).

I rate this food item 2 out of 2.

Chinese Food Pizza

2009-05-21T19:14:00.005-05:00

I had a great idea for a new pizza, so I had to make it. This is like the last pizza, but instead I used fried wantons, fried rice, mongolian chicken, princess beef, and ho fun. I was thinking it might turn out to be a real mess, but it was really great, even if it was tough to eat the fried wantons on there.

[Pizza Picture 1]
[Pizza Picture 2]
[Pizza Picture 3]
[Pizza Picture 4]

Here is food description paragraph #2: I cook these pizzas for about 15 minutes because I have determined that to be the correct amount of time to cook a pizza. The cheese was melted perfectly, and it was super tasty. I was thinking about pouring cock sauce on it, but the princess beef was already spicy, so I figured that department was taken care of. Now that I look back though, I think it needed more cock sauce.

Hamburger Pizza

2009-05-15T17:59:00.004-05:00

I heard on the internet of pizza with hamburgers on it, so I had to try it for myself. Other people might be suspicious that this kind of pizza is disgusting and gluttonous, but I had a feeling that it would taste great.

I got double cheeseburgers because I felt that the hamburgers were on the thin side anyway. I only used half of the burgers and fries I got on the actual pizza, the rest was eaten while it was baking.

[Pizza Ingredients]
[Pizza Construction]
[Pizza Unbaked]
[Pizza Baked]
[Pizza Sliced]

I think it turned out great - the fries ended up being like cheesy fries, which is awesome, and the hamburgers weren't as hard to eat as a pizza topping as I expected. The sauce was mushroom pasta sauce and at first felt like it would be a bit too runny on the pizza, but it turned out to not be a problem at all. One thing I might change when I try this again would be to remove the bottom of the hamburger, since it just ended up soaking up a bunch of sauce and getting mushy - not that I really minded anyway.

Huge Big-Sandwich Internote

2009-05-01T12:46:00.005-05:00

I was looking through the offerings of Fat Sandwich Company when I came across a single item that cost 25 bucks. It was called the Big Fat Ugly, and the ingredient list had a huge description of a bunch of meats, so I naturally assumed this had to be some kind of sandwich sampler option, where I get to taste a variety of sandwiches from the place. I had to order this, and when it was delivered a short time later, I was somewhat shocked to realize that it wasn't a sampler, but everything just tossed into one sandwich and wrapped in foil.

[Big Sandwich - detail]

I knew this was too much for me to eat alone, so I cut it in half and shared.

[Big Sandwich - bisection]

It's really difficult to eat this like a normal sandwich. I tried one bite that way, but then changed my strategy to eating my way from the top to the bottom using a fork, going through layers of meat, fries, onion rings, and jalapeno poppers. Most of it was pretty good. I liked the bunch of fries even though it seems like filler and was a bit soggy from ketchup and mayonnaise. All of the meat was great, except for the hamburgers. I felt those were really plain-tasting, but I supposed that was my fault for not biting into it along with a bunch of other random things at the same time. Identifying what I was eating at the moment was a bit of a challenge. I should have kept a checklist, because some of the foods said to be in the sandwich I think went unaccounted for in my eating of it.

I took my time working my way through it, and I finished (half of it) in about an hour. I hear they have a challenge where if you eat one in 15 minutes, you get it for free, but I'm not going to be trying for that - I'm not a glutton.

Subway Sandwich Experience

2009-04-30T17:00:00.001-05:00

I was told that I should be ashamed of myself for having the quality of liking to eat food and not ever having eaten a Subway sandwich shop sandwich, so because of this, I visited a Subway sandwich shop I saw in front of me.

When I first walked in, I felt it was a foreign environment - I didn't know what to do to make my purchase. I was somewhat familiar with how the store works: I'm supposed to yell at the workers until they put together ingredients that correspond to the words coming out of my mouth. I was kind of nervous about this, so I stood back for a while and hoped I would see someone else make an order first as a demonstration. A person was at the cash register at the moment, but I wasn't sure if that was because I was supposed to go there first, or they were at the end of their food transaction. While I was waiting, I looked up at the back wall, hoping to see some sort of menu with prices, but I wasn't able to really identify one, and at that moment, one of the workers asked if I could be helped. I decided I would be real cool about it and act like I knew what I wanted already, so I said I'd like a meatball sub. I know exactly what I want. I'm in charge. I've had meatball subs at other places and I didn't think there was a lot of room for messing up ordering this one. I forgot to mention what type of bread I wanted, like I always do, so I quickly replied back "wheat". But they were out of wheat! I was caught off gaurd. The worker went through a list of three different breads that were available. Some of them sounded like they were cheeses and not breads, and although I love cheese and think it's really great, I went with white. At this point, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to just start firing off commands of what should be done to it, so I stayed quiet and just started eyeballing some of the ingredients. The next question was what kind of cheese I wanted on it. I wondered for a split second what would happen if I said I didn't want cheese, but I just said provolone since it's a good cheese all around. After that, I was asked if it should be toasted. Toasted..? I bet that would take like half an hour to do! I didn't have that kind of time to be standing here (actually I did), so I said "no".

The worker put the sandwich down at this point and left it there, I guess so it could wait for the next worker to take care of it, like a production line. I few seconds passed and I didn't know what I should be doing, so I looked to my side and saw another person was starting to make an order and I watched that for a bit. I started wondering if maybe the sandwich could have been toasted in this amount of time it was waiting there. But then my attention was called back to the sandwich making process by the next sandwich shop worker. What did I want to be done to the sandwich now? I didn't know what to say! Isn't the meatball sub already done? There are meatballs on it, sauce, and some cheese. I don't know what else goes on a sandwich. I had to think back to that other meatball sub I had for ideas. I remembered (or fabricated a memory, I'm not sure) that there were onions it, so I looked around for onions in the ingredient trays. I couldn't find any. I didn't want to ask for something I didn't think they had, and I didn't want to look like I didn't know what I was doing, so I named one of the ingredients I saw which I knew I was familiar with: green peppers. Those probably go well on a meatball sub, and they might even have actually been on the last one I ate. I was doing well, but I needed to have at least one more ingredient to appear to be a sandwich ordering master. I saw some jalapeno pepper slices nearby, but I wasn't confident enough to call them that, so I just pointed to them and said real cool-like, "yeah, and some of those hot peppers. That'll be all."

I managed to avoid appearing like I didn't know what kinds of things go on a sandwich, but I saw now that my sandwich was going to be wrapped and placed in that little newspaper size sandwich bag all by itself. I couldn't have that! I needed something else to go in it too, or else all my hard work of ordering the sandwich would have been for nothing and I'd fail to impress the sandwich shop worker with my skill. I remembered back to when I was in high school and my friend bought a ton of Subway cookies, so I requested that I have a double chocolate chip cookie to go along with it. I'm not some shmuck who orders just a sandwich! I was feeling pretty good of myself, and was about to leave when I heard the person behind me in line order some sort of combo deal. A combo deal?! Why didn't I know to order that? At this point I started thinking that the sandwich shop workers knew all along that I had no idea what I was doing. I wasn't fooling anybody. It was okay though, because I had a sandwich.

I don't know if the sandwich tasted like the greatest thing in the world, but I was pretty hungry so I liked eating it a lot. I wasn't really in the mood though for the hot peppers, though. I shouldn't have ordered those, but it had to be done. In the future, I think I would much rather just be able to be at a sandwich shop and simply say "meatball sub" and be done with it.

Souper Meal Review

2009-04-15T15:47:00.003-05:00

This is the Nissin Souper Meal. Here are my thoughts on it in bullet point form in attempt to minimize risk of conveyance of my thoughts being influenced by language use and to prevent any humor as a result of a clever language use, because I feel writing an analysis in paragraph form distracts a reader from the actual information and ideas present and restricts everything to rules held by language and expectations about how language should be written. I have no intention of misleading a reader through use of a flowing writing style.

- The cup is shaped so that it is larger at the top and smaller at the bottom. Clearly, this is because of how when people eat food, they tend to be hungry for about 90% of what they see in front of them. While eating this, the person will then initially be deceived into thinking there is slightly more food than there actually is and therefore be hungry for the amount of food that the cup actually contains.

- The name of the product, "Souper Meal" at first appears to be misspelled, but the reason for it being written this way is actually the word "Souper" is a french word, meaning "to have supper", so by reading the title of the product, you are being commanded by its designer to eat this meal for supper.

- By putting "Meal" as the latter word, the designer is trying to make a point about man's need and desire for food as an end.

- The picture of the cup of instant noodles on the front of the label shows it in a way that I am not used to seeing it - ready to eat and with large floating words on top.

- The general layout of the design elements shows an artistic liveliness and conveys a message about food that no other food item package design to date has yet done.

- The Souper Meal tastes all right.

Bad Sandwich Experience

2009-03-17T14:22:00.008-05:00

Normally when I'm at a food place, I like to order the biggest size of a food available. It's because I'm an important person. So when I was at a sandwich shop last week, I ordered two of the large sub sandwiches. One was a hot meatball sub, and the other was a cold sub. The plan was that I would eat the hot one there and take the cold one with me. I didn't get any drink with it because drinks are for suckers. I sat down to eat my sandwiches and listen to other people make their orders, because I like to eavesdrop on business transactions. About half a dozen people made orders, and I noticed that they were all ordering medium size sandwiches, not large. This was making me really nervous. Maybe everybody knows something about sandwich sizes that I don't. I'm relatively new at eating sandwiches here. I've only done it maybe five or six times in all. I don't quite feel part of the sandwich shop subculture. I started thinking that maybe the large and medium size are the same size but the price is a lot higher. Afraid that everyone but me was in on one big joke, I wrapped up the other half of my second sandwich and got out of there. (Oh, my plan had changed at one point: at first I was going to not eat the second sandwich at all, but then I decided I'm a big guy, I should eat both of them right then and there.)

So now today, I was back at the sandwich shop again. I knew the secret code this time. Nobody would laugh at me. I looked at the guy taking orders and told him I wanted two medium subs (one was bacon, the other was bits of steak or something). I felt pretty good about myself, like we had just become best buddies. I could rely on him and tell him all my secrets. We shared a deep telekinetic link. But then, I looked forward for a bit and saw the line of people at the drinking fountain. They had these huge clear plastic cups. You can't get a cup like this if you order a small or medium drink. I turned back to the cash register and saw a stack of them, then quickly added onto my order one large drink. He gave me the big cup and I took it right over to the drink fountain. Now, I know the secret about drinking fountains; I'm not stupid. Ice takes up a lot of space and ends up watering down the drink, so if you put ice in your cup, you lose at drinking fountains. I knew the plan, but then as I was about to fill the cup with tea, I started to get nervous. What if they catch me not using ice? I'm supposed to be on the sandwich shop's side now. My new best friend certainly wouldn't think highly of my actions. So I compromised and put in a small amount of ice cubes, against what I knew was right. Still being nervous, I messed up big time on selecting a top for the cup, taking the one for the medium cup instead. I quickly took it off and tried to shove it under the drink stand. I don't think anyone saw. I took the largest size one next and it fit. But now I had another problem: there were two selections of straws for me to choose from. Being nervous still, I took the ones in the opaque paper covers since I'm more comfortable with straws coming that way, but at the last second I suspected that the ones in the clear covers were longer and meant for my large cup. It was too late though, I couldn't go back. I had already made too many mistakes here. My next move was to sit down so that I would appear as a customer who was planning on eating in the shop, not taking the food somewhere else. It's important to know how to correctly broadcast social signals. As my sandwich is called out by the employee that made it, I made sure to ignore the first call. I didn't want to seem too eager to have the sandwich. I'm a pretty cool dude. I don't need the sandwich. After the second call of my order, I got up, took my sandwiches and returned to my seat. When I unwrapped them, I was totally shocked. They looked so tiny and not bursting with meat! I was so embarrassed! Here I was with these wimpy sandwiches not befitting of a great sandwich eater like myself, and a ridiculously large drink to go with them. I managed to enjoy the sandwiches as best I could under the circumstances, and ran out of the store, ashamed of myself.

Chili Ramen

2009-03-15T16:55:00.003-05:00

Eating ramen instant noodle packets is a pretty cool thing to do. It became even cooler when I figured out that you're supposed to add hot water so the noodles become soft like real noodles. Recently, I tried replacing the water and flavor packet with a can of chili. This is pretty good, since it makes me feel okay about eating a can of chili, but I need to still add a bit of water to get the noodles hydrated fully. Oh, and an important ramen rule: always use two packets of noodles. One packet isn't enough, since food is good and you should want to eat a lot of it. Also, the can of chili wasn't very spicy, so I had to dump in a lot of cock sauce. In the end, I found this to be an interesting way to eat ramen noodles. I rate it 2 out of 2.

A Hungry Man is an Angry Man

2009-02-24T15:01:00.003-06:00

Microwave dinners usually have crazy instructions on them for me; that I should cut slits, remove the plastic, stir some of the contents, replace the plastic, let it sit for a minute, then microwave it again. It's really ridiculous, so usually I just take a fork or knife and poke a few holes over the foods it mentions then microwave it once and that's it. The Hungry-Man dinner I just ate had a bunch of crazy instructions like this (remove the brownie..? how is that even possible without smashing it up into bits?), but that was just the beginning.

I was able to successfully do a lazy job of heating it up, though the potatoes were still frozen at the middle, but I ate it just the same. This dinner was fried chicken flavor, but even though I knew chicken has bones in it, I still was able to convince myself that a microwave dinner is a lazy food and I could just pick up the chicken and bite into it without worry. Now, I think bones are funny, but inside food I'm eating is one of the places they shouldn't be, especially for a microwave dinner. After I had stuffed the whole piece of chicken in my mouth, I had to remove a dozen small bone pieces. It was unpleasant! I don't even feel full after eating this. Hungry-Man dinners are supposed to be the last word when it comes to getting two thousand calories in one meal and being done with food for a while, but I know I could eat about four more of these right now at least! I used to think that when a frozen meal says "Hungry-Man" on it, that meant something.

All I'm left with now is a pile of bones.

Book in Print

2009-01-20T02:59:00.003-06:00

I forgot to update when the book first arrived, but it is done and I have got my hands on a few first edition copies of it. These things are so rare that if you went into any bookstore and asked if it's in stock or could be ordered, they'd look at you as if you were a crazy person. Here is a photo of what the book looks like:

[Photograph of Fjordian Book]

As you can see, it's really a good book and it should be your personal guide on how to live your life.

The Zeefer Madness Book

2009-01-07T22:20:00.004-06:00

The Zeefer Madness Book is now complete! This exciting revisioning of the popular ZeeferMadness internote contains the exciting conclusion to the Souffle Fjord story, two never-before-seen lost entries of food stories, new animal time internotes, along with a professional commentary by the Doctor! I would like to thank all my loyal readers for making this possible. Without you, none of this would be. Pick up you very own copy at bookstores near you!* The internote may/may not be resuming it's regular schedule.

*The ZeeferMadness book is not currently available for public purchase.

Canada Snacks Tasting

2009-01-04T05:26:00.003-06:00

I recently got my hands on some snacks that are from Canada. I've never seen these before in my life until now, and I'd like to share my thoughts.

[Photo of Foods]

Passion Flakie - On the lower right section of the photo. They have a pastry like outside that's flaky. The inside was white cream and fruit stuff, which tasted really similar to Little Debbie's Strawberry Shortcake Rolls. I had a conversation with an associate about them:

"It looks like something you would put in the toaster."
"You don't need to toast it."
"But it looks like something you would toast."
"No."
"It looks like something you would toast."
"No."
"It looks like something you would toast."
"No."

They taste pretty good and it's fun to eat the top off of it then be able to go at the middle part by itself.

Crispy Crunch - This candy bar was a deceiver because the paper tray thing the candy bar sits on is dark colored like chocolate, so when I opened up the packaging from the back side first, I was mildly shocked. What kind of candy has a tray thing that isn't white colored? Probably there is one that I just can't think of at the moment, but it still was scocking and I dropped the candy due to my being momentarily flustered. The candy bar itself tastes like a butterfinger, but more peanuty, and it is really good at getting stuck on my teeth!

Mr. Big - Mr. Big is crazy huge. After I carefully opened it to keep the packaging intact, I saw that part of it had caramel that had leaked out of it. It looked really intimidating, but once I bit into it, I saw that most of it was wafer, so it's not a heavy candy bar. This is definitely my favorite of all five foods here, and I think it has the best name too.

Ketchup Chips - I've never eaten chips that were ketchup flavored, so this was a surprise. They actually tasted ketchup flavored! Crazy.

All Dressed Chips - I thought ketchup was pushing it, but these are ridiculous. I don't even know what they're supposed to taste like. The bag has a picture of a red pepper, a salt shaker, and an onion, so they probably have those flavors in it, maybe with things like onion, garlic, sour cream, vinegar, bbq, ranch and bacon too. I really don't know. They're orange in color and really intense. I couldn't handle more than one at a time at first. I don't quite know what to make of it, but if I saw it I would consider getting it again.

Birthday Pancakes

2008-12-24T13:16:00.003-06:00

My [Birthday Pancakes] melted the wax of the candle resting inside them.

Also, notice how the fork has four prongs. Not three, but four. Four prongs.

I Understand and I Wish to Continue

2008-12-07T18:04:00.004-06:00

Usually I'm good at eating the foods I make and not getting sick. This was not the case last week when I decided to use a can of spam I bought (it was an accident, I swear). I started off with sourdough bread, cut it in half, and hallowed it out a bit. After pouring extra virgin olive oil on one side, I put some sort of cheese I totally don't remember the name of on it, and then pieces of spam I carved out of the block from the can. On the other side, I poured on some mushroom tomato sauce. I microwaved the whole thing for maybe half a minute, then put butter pickle slices in too. It seemed like it was going well at the time...

[a bad sandwich]

I made another sandwich a few days later. It was a meatball sub, but I didn't care for the bread. And also I was still not feeling so well from the first sandwich. Some things happened, so I didn't take a picture.

Small Big-Sandwich Internote

2008-11-11T22:23:00.004-06:00

After eating all those sandwiches last time, I was excited to eat some more sandwiches at a different place and internote again. This time, the sandwiches are from Silver Mine Subs. I used to pass by the place all the time without really realizing it is a sandwich shop, but this time things are different.
(note: I ate the large size of all of these sandwiches)

Steam Engine - This was the first sandwich I got. Unlike the last place, they sell warm sandwiches in addition to ones with only cold meats. The Steam Engine is a meatball sub. There was some other stuff on it too, like maybe peppers or onions or whatever, but the main thing here is the meatballs. I thought it was a good sandwich, although I messed up and dropped half of mine on the floor and it got a bit messy, but I ate it just the same.

Lawless Leadville - A turkey and ham sandwich. It's good that there was both turkey and ham, because I think it there was only one, especially if it was just the turkey, it would have been really lame.

Dodge City - It's a tasty pepperoni and salami sandwich. The vinegar makes the lettuce taste especially vinegary if the pepperoni and salami wasn't enough for you.

Tombstone - The Tombstone is kind of a plain boring turkey sandwich. I thought it needed some bbq or cock sauce when I was eating it. It's like the leadville, but they took out the ham and added in sprouts, which is stupid, even if the sprouts don't get in the way like that other beach-themed sandwich. If you need to eat something because you're hungry, and not because you want to taste some flavor molecules something, this will do it.

Georgetown - I don't remember anything about this one. I see a piece of bacon in my picture though, so maybe this was a turkey bacon sandwich, in which case I can already say it's way better than the Tombstone. There might be a better bacon sandwich available, but this is the only one I've had so far from this place.

I actually ate these sandwiches probably over 2 weeks ago and haven't been there since. I probably won't be going back there either so I decided just to make the internote now with what I currently had to work with.

Big Big-Sandwich Internote

2008-10-20T22:48:00.002-05:00

I once made an internote about a sandwich I ate at this sandwich shop, and now I've finally finished what I started. I ate every interesting thing on the menu, which means everything but the vegetarian sandwich and the smaller versions of the big sandwiches, and now I'm ready to write my thoughts on it. Oh, by the way, it's a sandwich shop called Jimmy Johns which probably doesn't exist where you are.
(note: some of the pictures may/may not match up with what the actual sandwich is, because I'm not a very good sandwich archivist)
(also note: I ate all these on the normal sub sandwich bread, not that weird 7 grain stuff)

J.J.B.L.T.® - This is the sandwich with just bacon on it. It's one of the smaller ones. It's good though, I liked it, but I might consider having it as an addition to another sandwich in the future instead of by itself.

#7 GOURMET SMOKED HAM CLUB - This is basically a bunch of ham with some cheese and other sandwich things. So it's a ham sandwich and I like that. Nothing wrong here.

#8 BILLY CLUB® - This one was roast beef with ham. It's supposed to have mustard on it too, I don't remember that. I really didn't like it though; something was wrong. I would not get this one again. Also, I think the name is stupid.

#9 ITALIAN NIGHT CLUB® - This is an interesting one because it has ham, capicola, and salami. Those are some good sandwich meats and they make a great sandwich. This is one of the best sandwiches here.

#10 HUNTER'S CLUB® - I think this is the first sandwich I ever ate at this place. It has a bunch of roast beef, so if you're in the mood for chomping through only a bunch of roast beef, this is it. Oh, also, I like cold-sandwich roast beef sandwiches a lot better than those ones where the roast beef is hot and you need to ladle it into the bread right there on the spot. Sometimes it has peppers in the beef too with those ones. Don't know how I feel about that.

#11 COUN TRY CLUB® - This one is a turkey and ham sandwich. I don't know, I guess it was a good sandwich. I really don't remember.

#12 BEACH CLUB® - I hated this sandwich so much! When I got it, I was expecting fun and good times for the whole family, but it really was a pain to eat. It's a turkey sandwich, but the interesting part is that there's cucumber, avocado spread, and sprouts on top. I actually like cucumbers, so I'm fine with that. Avocado is sort of weird. I don't particularly like it, but I don't hate it either. I mean, I wouldn't ever go out of my way to eat some avocado, but if I see it there, I'll eat it and enjoy it. The sprouts are what made this a bad sandwich. They're all just resting on top there, and every time I try to take a bite, they get all up in my face. It was pretty annoying.

#14 BOOTLEGGER CLUB® - A roast beef and turkey sandwich. Nothing weird here. (now that I finished seeing what pictures I have for which sandwiches, and looking at how much I had to say about this one, I feel that I have to question whether I actually ate this one too)

#15 CLUB TUNA® - Now, I like tuna sandwiches, I've made them before for myself, but something was wrong here with the tuna in a sub. I really didn't like the mushiness of the tuna in my sandwich, and I also didn't really care for the consistency of their tuna mix either. Also, although I ate this one right away when I got it, I question its ability to hold up over time if I were to toss it in the fridge for a few hours or overnight before eating it.

#16 CLUB LULU® - This is one of the bacon sandwiches. It also has turkey in it. But what's important is the bacon. Actually, now, looking back, I don't remember if I ate this one or not... I'd probably like it though.

#17 ULTIMATE PORKER™ - This is the other bacon sandwich. This time, it's bacon and ham, which I think go well together. Other than that, it's just a good sandwich, and probably one of the best ones out of the sandwich choices it's listed with.

THE J.J. GARGANTUAN® - Basically, it's all the other sandwiches combined, except for the tuna (which is good), the weird beach club sillybusiness (also good), and the bacon (bad). So that's why I was sure to tell them to add bacon to it when I ordered it. In all, there was salami, ham, capicola, roast beef, turkey, and bacon, along with the other sandwich basics. This sandwich pretty much makes all the others obsolete, although if you get it, make sure you're ready for a bit of a commitment as it could take a few hours to work through if you can't maintain a state of being really hungry throughout the entire eating process.

Lastly, I ate one of the cookies there and a bag of chips. The chips were BBQ flavor, and rather unremarkable. They had the store logo on them, which was nice, and it is important for sandwich shops to offer chips. The cookie was actually pretty good. Large cookies work a lot better when they're chewy. Also, I prefer chewy cookies.

Cobbler

2008-10-09T22:07:00.004-05:00

I can eat through a huge cobbler like [this] in one sitting. Or maybe a few sittings. But I would eat through the whole thing. The inside is a bunch of lovely berries and pears, which are soo much better than apples. Apples are the worst. They're so grainy. Even the ones that aren't grainy. Anyway, on top is a bunch of Streusel. Usually putting oats in things is a bad idea, but I think it works out great here. I was going to write "fine" there because that's more like how I actually feel, but I deleted it and wrote "great" to better show the difference in how oats are in different food items.

Closed Tuna Melt

2008-10-02T22:05:00.003-05:00

Tuna melts are good, but sometimes, I'm too lazy to make them correctly. This is the result:

[Sandwich]

- hwhite bread slices
- sandwich pickle slices
- cold tuna (not for cats)
- mayonnaise
- maybe some pepper
- provolone cheese
- toasting element
- general heating element

First, open the tuna, drain out the liquid and replace it with mayonnaise by mixing. Then either cool it or hope that it was already cold so you don't have to wait. Apply toasting to the bread, and it will become two toast pieces. I don't like trouble, so I put the cheese on the bread right now and apply some heat to get it melty. Finally, slop on the tuna mix and lay the pickle slices on top then cover with the other toast piece. This sandwich is pretty good, I ate like, 3 or 4 of them.

Delicious Baconated Sandwich

2008-09-26T12:32:00.006-05:00

I needed an intro to a food article, so I decided to list the ingredients instead of starting off a story about how I saw some impressive bacon food item or was hungry and invented a sandwich:

- 2 toasted white bread slices
- butter to cover one slice
- provolone cheese to cover the other
- glob of mayonnaise covering butter
- bacon bits dumped over cheese
- combine into one sandwich

[Baconated Sandwich]

The butter gives the sandwich the familiar taste of buttered bread, which makes me think, "I know this; it is familiar to me.", leading me on to feel safe about the forthcoming powerful taste of the provolone cheese. The more subdued buttered toast flavor has been lost around this point, which is good, because this allows the bread to not interfere with anything else but only act as the vessel for the insides. The bacon will now take effect. Since it is crumbly, it has intermingled with the mayonnaise a bit, giving it a somewhat creamy feel, but still bacony. The active flavors sort of alternate between cheese and bacon for the remainder of the sandwich. I'm not going to try to be cool and say it was disgusting eating this. It was delicious. I hope to eat more baconated food items in the future.

Exciting New Cranberry Internote System

2008-09-20T15:27:00.003-05:00

An observation of mine is that the animal likes to go outside. However, this is not always the case, for example, Animal will determine on his own if the temperature and weather conditions are suitable for his body and act accordingly. When not outside, a favorite activity of his is to look outside while not actually being there.

[Activity]

As you can see, Animal positions his body to be able to fit into places that may initially seem too small for him. Do not worry, the animal is having the most fun in the world.

Artwork corner.

2008-09-11T18:36:00.000-05:00

[Bone Appétit]

Artwork corner.

2008-09-06T16:22:00.002-05:00

[Brozone]

(artist's notes: a little known fact: originally, before budget cuts, the folding chair was supposed to be a throne)

Artwork corner.

2008-09-05T23:56:00.002-05:00

Second guest strip!
[Trial]

Internote News

2008-08-30T00:47:00.003-05:00

Updates to Zeefer Madness may be occurring a bit less often for a while now, as I am working with the Doctor on writing my book. I will let you all know when it is ready and finished for its print run of one copy total, which will be delivered to me.

The book will be full of content you already know and love in addition to behind the scenes footage, making of, glossary of terms, chronological timeline of events, author's commentary, and exclusive new scenes not available elsewhere. Come with uncle and read all proper! You are invited!

Toasted Rye

2008-08-19T16:42:00.003-05:00

Rye bread is one of my favorite breads. One thing about it bothers me though: some people like to shove these caraway seeds into it. They taste terrible and I don't have the time to adjust my tastes to them, or to form any childhood memories of liking caraway seeds. So because of this, when I had a slice of carawayed rye, I needed a good way to increase the amount of flavor molecules present. After a quick toasting operation was complete, I quickly placed a few slices of unsalted butter on top then after it was melted, proceeded to sprinkle a coating of granulated sugar over it. Feel free to do this to other kinds of bread, it will make them more bearable in case you don't have any rye on hand.

[Toast]

Exciting New Automatic-Get-Internote System

2008-08-17T11:50:00.004-05:00

Animals frequently drink water; they can't seem to get enough of this stuff. Various exotic locations for drinking which the animals have made use of include the bathtub, the sink, and lately, the water fountain. Watch as Animal deftly applies water-drinking procedure to the liquid:

[Procedure]

I personally find it interesting that Salt Water Tabbies are so interested in drinking from a freshwater source. Future observation is needed though before any conclusions can be drawn.

Artwork corner.

2008-08-13T06:45:00.002-05:00

First guest strip!
[Bonezon'd]

Pizza Judgment of Article of Strong Faith

2008-08-12T14:50:00.001-05:00

The TV suddenly started blaring upon going to commercials causing me to automatically reach for the volume button on the remote. I wished the space guy was on TV, he's a lot more fun. I would have felt bad about having the TV on and just leaving it on mute, and I didn't want quite the amount of light in the room that a lamp provides. I thought back to when I had my book light that would attach to the cover of a book and light the pages. I knew the battery for it was sitting in the closet outside my room, but I couldn't find the light itself in my memory. So naturally I preheated the oven and threw in a frozen sausage and pepperoni pizza with additional black olives and feta cheese sprinkled on top.

[Pizza]

It turned out great. The only real way to cut a pizza is to use a wicked pair of bone cleaving shears. If you're not doing it this way, you're not cutting the pizza correctly.

[Cutting Pizza Pie]

I ate a slice and left the rest sitting there all night for random other people that might wander by, because I'm an incredibly considerate individual. I would love to run into cold pizza if I were to suddenly wake up in the middle of the night.

[Remaining Pie]

Whoa-Unit

2008-08-09T14:47:00.002-05:00

Let me tell you things you already know about visual and aural spacial issues.

As of late, it became normal for my father to be off on frequent business trips. As a natural reaction, I would often find myself in the basement with party decorations everywhere, a noisemaker in my hand silent, the tape recorder running on the cushion next to me, and a movie on the television screen. My gaze went past the screen, failing to absorb the simulacra of train murderers acting with religious overtones. Additional details left uncaptured included ninja practicing their swordwork in such a manner where the tip of the blade does not change position. I blinked a few times and refocused, seeing this time two kinds of trains, the first passing over the second. I identified one as a passenger and the other as a mail delivery train. The interesting feature I noted about the passenger train is that there is room on the bottom where a person can hang on to, riding externally, which is not the case at all for the mail train. Seeing the murderers aboard the train once again, my eyes widen as I realize they are after my father.

~The island was really a desert, but there were still people running around, a helicopter landing, and a huge building in the center of it all – one of those where it looks like internally it’s made up of cave openings arranged in a quadrant layout, and the elevator only reaches the ground level. This was of course a huge problem for me since I was headed up to the third floor. As I ran I could feel something pulling on my ear, as if it was the only force driving me up the stairwell. I entered the classroom and put my dessert on the table near the window where it would wait until snacktime halfway through, then took a seat in the rear of the room. This was the part where normal desk formation no longer applied, and chairs were just lined up at tables pushed against the wall. Children started to flood in and I was a bit nervous about one of them looking for a seat and not being able to find one, but I ignored the problem, and I can only imagine it went away. An instructional video started playing and I began to doze off.~

The train derailed, causing me to spring up from the couch and run outside, where I saw huge pieces of burned metal from the train and various mail scattered about. I gathered up as many packages as I could and opened them up. Highlights included three tall glasses with ice cream sundaes and blue cheese cream dip. I took these and began arranging them as if they were the main attraction of another party – it was really all I knew how to do at the time. The police arrived and I began showing them around and explained my plan of repackaging all the food and mailing it to sad people who aren’t getting their food. They seemed uninterested and the two of them headed into my bathroom where they locked the door. I worried that they suspected I was the train murderer because of how the train landed in my backyard, and I had already stashed a ton of food boxes in my bathroom.

Hero Sandwich

2008-08-03T05:10:00.000-05:00

I like eating sandwiches, so when I had one from Hero's Submarine Sandwich Shop, I was understandably excited. The thing that separates these heroes from others is that they have bread and meat, and then some other stuff like onions and junk. It's one of those places where you buy a sandwich and go immediately to an extended metal windowsill that is supposed to function as a table with no chairs or stools, then unwrap your sandwich and eat it while reflecting on your favorite sports team or the hand drawn city map of questionable accuracy hanging on the wall. More often though, you'll just want to take your food and head out, then sit on the grassy field across the street. You'll then think about why you didn't want to buy a soda or a bag of Vitner's as you watch your friend complain about too much ice in the drink, which you completely agree about, reader. After discussing band music during the meal (I'd give it about twenty minutes (ten per each half (I'm assuming you ordered one whole) of the sandwich)), you may wonder about the party store in the distance, but then realize you've had enough silly business for today and head off for the liquor store.

[Hero Sandwich]

The Silly Business

2008-08-02T23:00:00.002-05:00

Today I was feeling a little emotionally depressed, but when I saw all the emails from you guys, I felt a lot better! Also, I went shopping today - I absolutely need to have Moo-fuel; no other drink will cut it for me when eating foods.

The Bro, Brah, and Bru Business is somewhat famous around the Fjord for their activities. Since I just received my chef jacket, I took up their offer they made of me. I could not turn down a deal that included free belts. I began working on doing cooking demonstrations shows, and during that, some other people that I had gotten used to seeing suddenly disappeared and I never saw them again, but I guess that’s just the way things are. I’m fine with people suddenly deciding to never let anyone see them ever again. I’m not some kind of jerk that will start trying to snoop into their lives. Things started looking up for me though when I was offered to go on a trip to the beach! So exciting!

~ The beach was pretty great. I headed out at night since that’s when anything cool that might happen will definitely happen. There was none of that icky green plant goo growing on the water and no pieces of shells or weird objects that might be crap on the sand, so it was okay to just walk along without paying attention. Well, except for this nice soufflé I found just sitting on the ground. I was absolutely sure no one was around, so I totally ate the soufflé. I would say that that was the highlight of the vacation.~

I got back to Bro, Brah, and Bru, I sensed something was amiss. Bru approached me. “We know you have secret plans, but you may want to reconsider after seeing this picture of legally inappropriate behaviour.” He then presented a secret hand drawn picture of me eating the soufflé while on vacation, all done in oil pastels! I was shocked! These things seriously baffle me, I can’t figure out how they work. Within the same box, some of them are like working with chalk, and others are so smudgy they pretty much melt right onto the paper. “So don’t even think about telling Chompowitz about our shady dealings, it will cause you a lot of emotional conflict!” Luckily, I snorkeled away to Soufflé Islet and now everything is fine.

Exciting New Push-Button-Get-Internote System

2008-07-18T18:13:00.000-05:00

Recent studies show that there are not enough non-grilled animals on the internote.

[Animal Time]

This photo was taken while animal was conducting an investigation of a sock. This sock is interesting because if you were to cut the sock in two, you would not find that it is composed fully of sock material, but instead catnip. The Orange Guy can often be found trying to insert his face into the sock or other more general cat-sock interactions. If you see the animal doing this and you would like to join in on the interactive process, be prepared for disappointment as you do not feel the same sensation from smelling the catnip as Animal does.

Food Testing (Part 3)

2008-07-17T02:12:00.001-05:00

Usually when I open up a can of seafood, there's tuna inside, but this time, there was crab. It appeared to have a paper wrapping surrounding it, but it was only around the sides, and when I attempted to pull the crab meat out by it, all the crab fell through back into the can. I was disappointed to say the least. After dumping the meat into a preparation bowl, I ate all of it. It tasted fine, I would eat it again. The crab juice or water was kind of salty though. The cats wouldn't drink this as they would with the water from a can of tuna.

[Crab]

Artwork corner.

2008-07-15T00:27:00.005-05:00

[Bonezone II]

(artist's notes: drawn on one of those fancy expensive tablet things, printed out and painted with oils and acrylics, and retransfered with the latest in gigapixel camera technology)

Food Testing (Part 2)

2008-07-12T23:45:00.002-05:00

I heard the spam song playing before I was in the store, so I picked up a can of special ham since I've never actually eaten this stuff before in my life. I tried it out plain, and also fried up some of it and put it in a hamburger bun with cheddar cheese. It's really shocking when I took my first bite of it; it's incredibly ridiculously salty. I wasn't able to adjust to the salt level throughout the eating process. It was interesting though, to try it, but I don't think I'll want it again.

[Special Ham]

(note: it turns out I did not actually hear the spam song at all)

Tasty Food

2008-06-29T23:26:00.004-05:00

"Rib-eye is a great cut of meat."

I was in the mood for some chomps and found myself heading over to the store. I eyed out the steaks I wanted, then looked for the margarine. I relly need some margarine. It's important. There was none on the refrigerated sections or near the butter, so I went on looking on the other shelves. I couldn't find it near the oils, but I got distracted and started looking for grape seed oil and chocolate marshmallows, neither of which were present either. Thinking about the status of margarine, I recalled that it is a synthetic material constructed out of plastics and has been declared a biohazard, so I took my search further into the aisle with bleach. Still, no sign of it. I called it quits and picked up the steaks with some other stuff and left.

I don't know if you know this about me, but I am a master griller. I am the best at applying heat to steaks through use of grill machinery. After dumping on steak rub and grilling, I let it rest for a few minutes, not because I thought it was a good idea, but because I needed a short break before eating them. Briefly, the idea crossed my mind to heat up some potatoes or maybe broccoli, but I may have just now made up that I thought of it for story and character development purposes.

[Here's the Food]

Sandwich Test

2008-06-24T15:35:00.000-05:00

I like combining things like mustard and cheese, so I did that along with chicken and cock sauce on a small tortilla. I was thinking about adding lettuce or a vegetable but then I came to my senses and decided not to make it taste bad on purpose.

[Half-eaten Sandwich]

Idea Sprouts

2008-06-23T13:58:00.002-05:00

I've been getting a lot of mail from readers lately, concerned about a lack of food being eaten. The truth is that I have been eating food, but there has been a terrible accident: I was developing my instant film in a darkroom and I messed up, ruining all the pictures. I managed to save one though by throwing my body in front of it.

[Food Picture]

I probably could tell you about some of the food since I don't have pictures, but I can't because revealing my methods and procedures would get me kicked out of the secret cooks organization.

Also, I'm thinking to expand and have more fun internotes, which would include exciting true stories, food experiments, videos of me being cool and playing the guitar, contests with prizes for readers, and supercool hand-drawn pictures. So yeah.

A Meatball Sandwich

2008-06-09T08:59:00.002-05:00

I don't have anything to say about this one.

[The Sandwich]

(note: it's smoked mozzarella and sharp cheddar)

Mothers Brownies

2008-06-07T21:12:00.009-05:00

Don't worry, everything's gonna be all right. Shush, just look at me. I'll make you some of Mother's Brownies.

I actually baked this bath(sick(sic)) of brownies about a week or so ago, but forgot to internote it. I used Baker's baking chocolate, which has the recipe written on the back of the box. If you look at the front of the box, next to the name, the picture looks like a mother holding a tray of brownies. This image is also imprinted upon each piece of chocolate inside.

1.5 sticks of butter
4 blocks of unsweetened baking chocolate
2 cups normal sugar
3 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup flour

Melt the butter and chocolate, then combine them and toss in the other stuff in order. When it's together, dump into a 13x9 inch baking pan (I lined it with parchment paper) and bake it at 350F for 30 to 35 minutes. Oh yeah, the oven should probably be preheated first. That's important. When enough time has passed, take the back end of a match and poke a hole in the brownies. If it comes out clean, they should be done, so you can then strike the match as a sign of victory.

[Mother's Brownies]

These things taste pretty great, and you should eat them. Some people say brownies should cool first, but they don't know what they're talking about. Take advantage by putting the still hot brownies on a plate and then a nice scoop of vanilla ice cream next to it.

(note: me calling these Mother's Brownies and the image looking like a mother are completely unrelated)

Troy Chocolate Cake

2008-06-05T06:49:00.002-05:00

I got a huge amount of fanmail recently about the Crispy Mister Sandwich in regard to the contest I set up. They were all mostly good attempts at the sandwich, but I think this one stood out as the best. Congratulations to the winner; you will be receiving a package of stickers in the mail along with a jam rock music cd! (note: contest void in canada)

I know I said the previous chocolate cake I made was the chocolate cake that would make all other cakes obsolete, but I like eating cake so I made this cake recipe provided by Anna of CookieMadness: Troy Chocolate Cake.

~A long time ago I made a childhood promise about cakes. Arbitrary childhood promises are the kinds of things that really define your character. For example, the classic “never change”. I however made vowed never to bake a cake again after a horrible tragedy occurred. I had baked a wonderful cake mix cake for some friends, and brought it over to one of their houses so everyone could enjoy. Unfortunately, the four sticks of butter involved in this small cake was too much, instantly killing my best friend upon impact with his mouth. Never again would I allow such a thing to happen.*~

The Troy Chocolate Cake is different in that it doesn’t involve butter in the batter. It is a cake of healing. Instead it has a bunch of mayonnaise, something you may remember from the tuna melt sandwich recipe, so it’s certain to be a success. I began working on the initial steps of mixing things together in bowls. At first, I thought to just use a cereal bowl, but using my keen powers of foresight, I recalled that the ingredients listed would not fit, so I opted for a larger metal bowl. I saw in the corner of my eye some sort of automatic electrical mixing machine, but I decided not to call upon higher powers to assist me just yet. I was getting exhausted at this point; it was time for a break. I indulged in some Breyers ice cream. Mmm, smooth and creamy.

[Mixing Things]

I took out some parchment paper to line the pan and pressed it in to fit, but it popped back up, refusing to give in. I was about to have a mental breakdown here, but I decided to pour the batter in anyway, and it turns out everything worked out fine.

[Ready for Baking]

I put it in the oven at 325 for 35 minutes, then got started on the icing. I spent time sifting the confectioners sugar which I’m sure I completely ruined the point of sifting it in the first place when I just dumped all the ingredients together at the same time and was determined to mix by hand with a spoon. The cake finished as I was about done with the icing.

[Icing]
[Cake and Icing]

The icing was kind of lumpy, but I really don’t mind. The end result is a tasty cake.

[Icinged Cake]

*Exciting True Stories may or may not be exciting or true.

Crispy Mister Sandwich

2008-06-03T02:22:00.003-05:00

It was nightlunch time, so I went into the kitchen as normal procedure. Looking through some cabinets, I decided that I would do something with nutella. Spreading it on bread might be good. Maybe if the bread was coated in lard and fried it might be better. Frying bread was an idea I liked, but I couldn’t fit the nutella into it without being a real europoofter so I decided to go into a sandwich route. Cheese and meat is good, so I got some provolone cheese and sliced ham ready. This sandwich was looking like it might be kind of [large fancy colourful ‘L’]ame at this point, mostly because of the bread, so I cracked some eggs (you may remember I am the best at cracking eggs), mixed them with a fork and combined them with two slices.

[Sandwich Preparation]

Luckily there was just enough for all of the eggs to be absorbed fully. I didn’t know how to get this from my eggy bowl to the frying pan, so I thought to put them on a paper towel at first, but then I just brought the pan over to the table with all my cooking organization. I would put the paper towels I got ready to use later. My plan for the sandwich was to have the cheese on the outsides of the ham, so they would get melty better. It is always important to have the meal fully planned out. After layering one slice of egg-soaked bread in the pan with cheese, I put on a bunch of slices of ham.

[Sandwich Construction]

During this, I kept reassuring myself that I’ve had a previous experience with this, and I feel it would be in my best interest to add more meat than I think I need. On top of the ham, another layer of cheese, then the second bread slice. It was time for cooking process, and everything was going fine until I decided it was important that I flip the sandwich over a lot to check how it’s cooking.

[Sandwich Cooking]

The first flip was a disaster; cheese was falling out, one slice of bread slid halfway off from all the contents, and it may have been my imagination, but I thought I tore the bread in half. And while trying to fix it, I managed to burn two of my fingers from direct contact with the pan.

[Sandwich Cooking]

Realizing I forgot about buttering the pan, I snuck in some butter while lifting the sandwich up since butter is a secret ingredient. I let it cook for a while though and it was looking all right again.

[Sandwich Cooking]

When the sandwich was finished, I determined that it was overall a great success! The bread had that great french toast taste to it, the cheese was all melty and delicious, and the ham was meaty. Actually, I think the ham was way too sweet for the sandwich. I would maybe want a meat that’s completely meaty without the overwhelming sweetness for next time.

[Sandwich]

Egg Melt Sandwich

2008-05-30T03:33:00.003-05:00

...
"Then imagine opening it and look inside."
Okay. ... left ... though.
"What's in the fridge?"
Greasy sausage gravy ... peppermint sugar syrup.
"Do you want to eat these things?"
... have heartburn ... nine or ten hundred years.
"Eww, that's disgusting."
... I'm closing ... heading right ....
"No way! I'm not taking you there!"
... I know you'll take me there eventually.

Gathering up the ingredients is an essential step for creating a food dish. Usually you’d do this with a shopping list planned out ahead of time with words written on it. I love it when I see words written for me. But I didn’t have one of these. I was gathering up interesting things. Eggs are easy, so I grabbed a few of those. You may not know this about me, but I am a master at cracking eggs. I can crack a hundred baker’s dozen eggs and not even know it. I put those on the counter and sort of wrapped a towel around them so they don’t crack themselves. I took out the cock sauce, since it always adds potential. I needed something tasty, so I headed into the bone cellar for some canned tuna. It’s pretty cold there. I once was carrying a bowl of soup there to eat, since I was sick, and it was spilling all over my hands, burning them. I saw some instant mashed potatoes so I grabbed those as well. Heading back to the kitchen, I realized I still need some odd and ends to put things together. Couldn’t find any bread, so I took out a bag of small tortillas, and the package of swiss cheese that was sitting next to it. Cheese is pretty great, especially when it’s melty. I tossed things into the frying pan for the first attempt, which didn’t turn out well since most parts were added as an afterthought.

[Beginning Cooking]
[Potatoes and First Sandwich]
[Sandwich with Additional]

It tasted good enough to make me want another, and bad enough to make me think I could do better. This time I added everything in during the cooking organization.

[Cooking Sandwich 2]
[Sandwich Formula]
[Final Sandwich]

Underrated Chocolate Cake

2008-05-22T03:07:00.001-05:00

My brother recently left on a trip to find some wild cougar that has been reported lately to be hanging around forest preserves. I was pretty excited, so I used this as an excuse to get baking as a celebration and have myself an Eatrian Odyssey. I found a bag of premade cake mix inside a box on a shelf, but when I looked at the instructions, I just wasn’t satisfied. I just had to shape it to my personal taste, so I took out the eggs and vegetable oel. Peanut butter is really great, and I really don’t like chocolate chips, so I tossed in a bunch of those. Also, I added some water, since it doesn’t work without that. You have to be an experienced chef to know these subtle factors that influence the cake. I mixed it up with a fork, and it already was looking good enough for me to eat at this point, but I decided to stick it in the microwave oven just for the heck of it. I set it to two minutes, and took it out when I felt it was right. It turned out great. I am a huge fan of things that taste good. Although I am proud of myself for this, I feel that I want to experiment and further alter the recipe next time and truly make it my own.

Tip: If possible, use Chicago tap water for zebra mussel taste.

to taste – chocolate cake mix
to taste – water
to taste – peanut butter chips

[Ingredients]
[Finished Product]

Tactical Piquenick

2008-05-04T21:49:00.004-05:00

I have a Pulli that has “Starved Rock” written across the front. You know, people always have things written on their clothes. I think it’s kind of stupid for the most part. I also have a Pulli with my birthday on it. I mean, that’s kind of neat. So, it could be neat, too, reader. But, my idea was: instead of reading what it does now, my Pulli should read on the front “Starved Ra”.

I was outside in a field during in a wonderful day. Everything was beautiful and perfect for the picnic I had planned. Tables were set up in table organization. Everything was relatively very passive. I set some snacks on the tables, but at this point I think the snack situation wasn’t so great; just some chips with nutella dip. By examining some of the food too much, I offended some of my guests already present: Charleston, Curator of Thunder; Bruno Cecilson, Bro; and Chompowitz, Invorstigator. Hearing the bus arrive with more of my picnic guests, I headed over to greet them.

~“Now, I can explain. I have somewhat of a notable background in food things, and I can tell you about how it works. The most important tip for a new food-person is not to overcrowd the pan. I can’t stress that enough. I mean, it’s important. The other tip is to have some secret ingredients that you can rely on.”
“You still haven’t given us an explanation, you know.”
“Yeeaaah... I need to head back to the washroom now.”~

The ecstatic guests got off the bus and were new to the picnic. They greeted me with hugs and excited remarks, because I’m cool like that, and brought some stuff; the stuff they brought was supposed to be gifts and food for the picnic I guess (one gift I thought was especially nice was an aloe vera (I think this one’s going to get out of hand pretty soon though (I’ve had experiences (it kept growing (these things grow way too fast, jeez (in retrospect, maybe I left it alone and stopped paying attention to it for too long at a time (I’m not good with keeping track of time))) way too much!) with aloe vera before))), but I had other plans. Due to a deal I had sealed earlier in the day with Thunder Curator Charleston, it began raining. This rain was really intense. It’s the kind of rain that makes you think “I really want to go inside. I know I don’t need to, but I’d really like to, and so I’m going to act on these thoughts.”. I planned this picnic to be next to a church, so I herded everyone inside. Once there, I turned to the group and spoke, “Oh, look everyone. Some sort of religious ceremony is taking place. Let’s participate in it. It’ll be fun. Who knows what’ll happen? Maybe we’ll all bond with each other, maybe we’ll start believing what the rest of these religioners are believing, maybe we’ll just have a grand time!” I don’t know what went wrong, but I tried to get them to all participate and before I knew it, I couldn’t find any of my picnickers. It’s like they all disappeared.

Nightlunch

2008-04-29T01:17:00.006-05:00

I looked in my mail earlier this today and I saw that several readers are apparently displeased with my internotes. The advice given to improve things is nonsensical and often contradictory, but regardless I will try my best to incorporate this into future posts.

It was getting late, and we all needed some good chomps. Dinner was out of the question, as it had just passed midnight. If I had suggested having dinner, I would have had appeared quite the buffoon. We started rummaging around for eats. I filled a bowl with frozen fruits, pineapples, peaches, melons, and strawberries, and was about to begin chomping down when I started having second thoughts. I checked the original bag: “Ideal for: Baking, Smoothies, Toppings, Snacking”. Yes, it was in fact okay to do what I was about to do. I put on several belts in preparation, and sat down at the table ready for nightlunch.

~It is important to consider for refrigerator/freezer management what to do when running into certain situations. For example, if you were to find a tub labeled “Potato Water”, your life is at serious risk if you drink it. It also probably tastes like fish.~

“Hey man! I don't THINK so! I don't THINK so!”
“Dude, bro, man.” A heckler had arrived. As exciting an incident this was, I really had to use the washroom at this point, so I got up and engaged in self-palliation. Someone else came in too and used the stall next to me, causing me to worry that I might not make it out in time. It would be disasterous for my reputation if this other person were to finish before me, so I quickly got up and left, leaving my belts undone. I must have been gone for a while because the cookies staled. I felt a little awkward when I sat back down, so I started trying to quickly adjust my belts without anyone noticing. It’s kind of difficult and I was losing track of what else was happening at the table when suddenly my attention was seized by a comment addressed towards me.
“We have to talk to you about what you’ve been doing at night lately.”

Artwork corner.

2008-04-21T01:55:00.001-05:00

[Bone-apart]

A Fully Tilting Fjultry

2008-04-14T02:59:00.004-05:00

I’m working on a bit of a time-chomp here, so please forgive any minor inaccuracies. I try my best, and I hope we’ll all have a good year together!

I arrived at the Nuclear Power Plant Museum, and decided to take a tour. I’m always interested in learning stuff. They gave me the children’s discount, so I mentally awarded myself the trophy for most efficient use of money per amount of nuclear power plant knowledge gained. I couldn’t have been more proud of moiself. Inside the museum, it was kind of lame though. All the walls were clean and bright white with a weird carpet. I couldn’t tell what color this thing was. Maybe it was red, or blue or purple, maybe orange or burgundy? It was really confusing to me. Anyway, most of the place was kind of empty looking, so I took out a pineapple and my hobby knife box set then got to work. This one was going to be good since there were no studded belts on it. I remember one time I got a tactical pineapple on my hands, let me tell you....

~I know you’re interested in how ex-birthdays came into being. Well, when Thunder Curator Charleston first made his descent, he needed a way to mix cocoa without having to heat up his water. Oh wait, I forgot about the beginning part. Thunder Curator Charleston was first invented by Robotsk in space. Not directly of course, that would be ridiculous. Robotsk can’t be involved directly in these matters. The forty seven-thousand-three hundred-thirty-fourth polishing robot did this when it realized that it needed some more ridiculous chomps. So basically, Thunder Curator Charleston was particularly fond of artwork so he devised a way to get his hands on an excellent painting. He would have an ex-birthday in honour of himself to receive gifts.~

...but it was actually steel wool all along. I couldn’t believe it. So as I was saying, I was eating my pineapple snack in the museum when I noticed the vending machines. They had one of those awesome ones with the suction grabber and the ice cream. I always love these, so I got myself a banana peanut butter bar. This definitely satisfied me, so I made a quick visit to the washroom, then walked in the direction of the incinerator.

Anders geschmackt

2008-04-09T16:24:00.002-05:00

Okay, I know you guys have been worried about your preorders of the cookbook, since you’ve already put money down for it, but I’m almost finished now, I swear. I’ve been busy writing, editing and doing minor touch-ups, and I’ve got the book cover art finalized. I feel confident that this is going to be my finest work yet.

I just got finished using the washroom, and after washing my hands, I first walked to the bacon dispenser. It was only blowing hot air today, so I stepped one down to the pizza dispenser and got myself a slice of sausage, mushroom and spinach, taking bites out of it as I strolled outside.

~No, it didn’t taste quite right yet. It needed to absorb more water still, but I could hardly contain myself. My mushroom pilaf risotto was nearing completion.~

Mm, for washroom pizza, it really hit the spot. I tossed the paper plate it came on into a trash can I passed by. It looked like some dust storms were up ahead, but then I realized I was in some sort of underground facility, and the ventilation shafts were in terrible shape – all orange and rusty-looking. I heard something approach, and I could only assume it was a robot, so I began frantically ripping open some couch cushions to be able to escape.

~I was starting to panic! I couldn’t have only a single dish at my dinner party. I dug around on some shelves for something else to cook up. Maybe I could use this cocoa powder I’ve had sitting around...? No, this wasn’t a time for food experiments, I’d just cook this package of noodles I found and be done with it, not forgetting to load the frying pan with extra butter, though.~

I crawled my way out, and during the process I had a flashback to my old days of exploring blanket caves with miniature flashlights and deviled egg spaceships. Things just ain’t the way they used to be. I was now in a bunker with other people standing around, doing some sort of study, but I had no time for this, so I ran outside while I felt my body change from its ridiculous state into a zombie state. I turned the corner and nearly bumped into a man.

~My guests had arrived! I sat them down, all proper-like, and slopped some risotto and noodles onto their plates. It was in honor of Bruno’s ex-birthday, so we were all ready for merry-making. Bruno asked me for a fruit smoothie, so I headed off to the kitchen and got out the bag of frozen fruits. I didn’t feel quite up to it, so I just grabbed a bowl and dumped in frozen fruit to taste, then gave it to him like that, sure he wouldn’t mind. I sat down just in time to hear one of my guests voicing a complaint about my noodle dish not being made with magic finger noodles. I looked his way to receive quite a shock when I recognized who it was.~

A man in a long double-breasted beige coat was looking at me. “I am Invorstigator Chompowitz, and I have a request to make of you.”
“No way, man! You’re freaking me out!”
“I thought you’d say as much. But I know your secret: you secretly smash up your food and spread it across your plate to make it appear as if you have eaten more than you actually have.”
“No way, man! You’re freaking me out!”
“Excellent. So you’ll be heading to the Nuclear Power Plant Museum then?”
“No way, man! You’re freaking me out!”

~I couldn’t believe my eyes! It was the Barley Chef! My excitement quickly changed however when I saw how he was handling his food – with all five fingers on his hand, not leaving any fingers clean just in case of an emergency. I don’t want unsanitary behaviours in my home so I kicked him out right there. Also because he insulted my noodles.~

Whivorbeskrandsetizkreiter Esculent

2008-04-04T13:52:00.003-05:00

Great news! I received my first donation from a reader! With 20 bucks from one Miss Lauren Campbell-Jackson, I am well on my way to being able to live without worry of robots. The rest of you had better pony up. And fast.

Lots of people dressed in Victorian clothes were presented to my vision upon completion of the surrounding-examination process. I also noticed weird water or oil streaks on the ground. They were a bright blue, and I could see the liquid flowing. The grass was a dark green, and it felt like it had rained recently, but I couldn’t tell for certain. I don’t want to be accidentally making things up here. The circular platform I was on was cut off by empty space surrounding it, and my visibility isn’t great enough such that I could see anything in the distance besides a nice soothing blue gradient backdrop. In the center of the platform was another empty space, but in the center of it was something tasty. I could smell the flavor molecules coming towards me....

~Well, I was in my backyard, and my neighbour just installed a whip cream swimming pool. Naturally, since I am more passionate than my neighbour about these things, I advised him to put a cover on the pool since it was due to rain later that day. He then invited me to join him in the pool, but I had a mental breakdown at the thought of the pool being soiled by people being inside it. Then I woke up in the hospital and looked at my left arm, to see a nurse sewing up a part of my skin. I asked what happened, but no one would tell me....~

Around me were broken down stone structures, and people, they were floating, gathering in groups of mostly two or three, making motions rapid, but never five or more. I realize their placement on the ground isn’t correct by my high standards, some are floating above it, some are halfway inside the ground, and they’re ghosts. I came across a bottleneck where a ghost with a book made out of bandages attached to his arm with the characters “MEXL” written on it is talking about things. Noticing the blue oil splotches again, I had to start clubbing them with the weird thing in my hand. I didn’t accomplish anything, but a decision had to be made.

Chomperical

2008-03-29T22:29:00.001-05:00

Recently it has come to my attention that robots are a potentially dangerous threat to my well-being. As a result, I’ve been looking into acquiring some materials to build an article of robot armor for my self. Now, ideally, I would like to build an armor out of either grade 5 or 38 titanium of thickness of 3 inches with carbon fibers threaded throughout and external diamond coating. All this will then be built on top of a polyester jacket to allow for casual wearing. My robot armor will be kind of expensive so I am accepting donations from my readers in order to see its completion.

I just exited the house when I was presented by the world with a chainlink fence running in front of my face. Usually these are of good quality, but this one had lots of metal cord ends sticking out. The entire fence had sort of a wavy bendy quality to it. I blame it on poor writing. Well, anyway, I was walking alongside it, and my gaze was attached to it, causing my stride to inadvertently angle towards the fence. I continued to take steps forward, causing my eye to come in contact with one of the metal barbs, getting pierced, then sliced across and scratching the side of my face along to my ear. The whole matter probably inconvenienced me only a fraction of a second though. Arriving at a break in the fencing, I entered and saw a concrete loftcube in a large crater. I realize this was probably someone else’s home, but I think it’s my duty to enter the homes of various people and explore them. All that there was available to eat was some sodypop and clay, which is rather bland for my tastes, so I took out my trusty bottle of cock sauce and had myself one fine chow time. Reminded me of the days when I used to wear the old nosebag.

~...~

Our auto stopped for some reason, unable to continue, probably because it stopped. I deboard and am next to a construction site with a large chainlink fence going alongside it. A dirt path leads through, so I walked through; it’s okay I guess, other people were visiting here too. As I got to the entrance, a group of naked people covered in a cloud of mud comes into my field of vision. They were heading north, but not actually moving, so I decided to head north myself. It got to be dark in the evening, and I notice that in my possession is the framework for a pyramid with a lit up bluish/whitish corepiece. I started to wonder about it, and I notice a guy standing next to me so I bug him about it: “do you think you could see this from 700 meters away, perhaps vertical distance too?” “Uh, I guess so.” That seemed to satisfy my curiosity for the moment and I didn’t think any further on the matter.

Hungry! I like eating food!

2008-03-28T16:47:00.008-05:00

I’m uneasy about posting right now, because I don’t want to set up a precedent that when readers pester me, I respond with an internote post immediately. But I also have progress about the reprint of my cookbook: there is no new progress.

I gave away all my brownies, so I was sort of feeling depressed. I left the house, and continued in the direction I was heading and soon I reached a three way intersection. There were a bunch of trees on one side of the street, maybe it was a forest preserve or a park. A bunch of people were standing there, so I had to discuss with one of them about how to observe decision processes. And by discuss, I mean we each took turns, one person explains their arguments and the other side takes out headphones and rocks out to some tuneskis, then goms;;u, the side that was able to say the most words without repetition holds correctness. I won of course. The other guy didn’t even utter a word. After this, we headed down east. The sidewalk was all smashed and torn up in disrepair. Some slabs were raised, exposing dirt underneath corners. An occasional tree root was visible. It got to be what must have been a few hours, so we all decided to head back in an auto one of the people happened to bring with.

~“Let’s open our next letter here... oh I get so excited reading these! Hmm... ‘Dear Barley Chef: I was exercising my creativity the other day, and I came up with a brilliant idea! I love to eat soups, but I needed a delicious new noodle to make it extra special. And then it hit me: to make a barley noodle...’”. The television grew silent for a moment, and I watched a grave look come over Barley Chef’s face. “I’m terribly sorry everyone, but the Barley Chef Hour is cancelled forthwith.”~

I felt on top of the world after that swig of milk, but I really had to use the washroom. Some guy was sitting in the corner, facing the wall, and crying while eating something. Next to him I saw a couple brownies sitting on the floor. This scene got me kind of hungry, so I pulled out my plate of brownies and started working on those. I felt it was sort of a special moment the two of us had. Just enjoying some excellent chomps. Neither of us said a word to the other, but we didn’t need to. I think we both understood each other without speaking by means of the brownies.

Fire Fly.

2008-03-11T00:10:00.006-05:00

Several of my readers have issued complaints about my recipe collection severely underestimating the intelligence of the reader. In response, I have begun work on a second first edition printing which will both include corrections for and introduce a few typographical errors, eliminate large portions of cooking instructions, and contain an additional section of photographs of food.

I found myself in darkness. It didn’t occur to me at the time, but it must have been the middle of the night. I raised the upper half of my body and look around, seeing only empty space, so I swung my legs around the edges of my resting place, searching for some sort of ledging to lower myself to ground level. It was a success and I began my descent, but about halfway down, a window caught my attention and I halted progress to take in my surroundings. The window was part of an undeterminable-colored house. So naturally, I climbed right in. I smelled some chomps, so I headed through a door to a room with a stairwell going down on one side and the other with a typical bedroom setup: dresser with mirror, desk, shelving unit with books and movies, bed with single shoe placed in center. I was drawn to the shelves, where I picked up a huge piece of strudel that must have been placed to cool and forgotten. I took a bite. Lovely berries flavor. So good. I have it preferred to forest apples. Some brownies on a plate were on the desk and I snagged those too for eating later. Next, I was getting thirsty, so I headed down the stairs and grabbed a half-gallon container of 2% milk sitting out on a table. I broke the seal with a butter knife, drank some of it, but couldn’t finish, so I fumbled around in my pockets for some silica gel but couldn’t find any. Seeing a cabinet door to my left, I open it up and find a tub of rice. I drop a handful of grains into the milk carton and leave it where I found it.

~I missed the Barley Chef today. Even though he’s my favorite, I’ve only seen a few episodes of his show. I have a fear that if I learn the secrets of barley this way, I may ultimately not have as great an overall appreciation for it as I might if I were to try on my own. But if I try to teach myself barley cooking, I won’t ever come close to the amount of barley-related knowledge as modern barley cooks.~

As I walked forward, the thought of the sandwich I ate occupied my mind. I don’t know how much time passed, but it was now night and I could make out something that left an impression to me as being an concrete loft cube at a dig site. I didn’t stop at it, and continued on, reaching a home. I really had to take a piss, so I headed inside, but there was a huge line for the washroom. After getting in, it was completely empty. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I had to use the water to fix up my hair a bit, but I was soon lost in thought. What am I doing here, and why did I get here? What does it look like when someone has a fire burning in their eyes? My eyes look black in the middle. Maybe robots have lights in their eyes. If my face were slightly more robotic, I might be a robot. Everyone kind of is a robot. After all, they pray to Robotsk—someone entered the door. This person had a sad look in the eyes, but I knew how to offer a cheering up. I reached into my cargo pocket and grabbed a handful of brownie. “Hey there, what’s wrong? Don’t worry.. sshhh.. sshhhh... just look at me, everything’s gonna be all right. Here, I brought you some of mother’s brownies.”

Internotable Potables

2008-03-02T20:34:00.005-06:00

I was getting pretty excited. Mouth salivating, about to take a bite of a delicious bacon-flavored marshmallow. This must be the first time such a wonderful product has been made widely available. Images raced through my mind, wondering about a new world. I would burst into random houses and rifle through kitchen cabinets, searching, and there would be one item that is a sure find every time: the bacon marshmallows. As I placed the marshmallow into my mouth, I almost didn’t realize the truth of the situation because of my preconceived flavor ideas. This was in fact just a normal strawberry marshmallow.

Seeing there was no longer a wall in front of me, I got out of my cross-legged sitting position, one of my favorites from childhood. Today’s children have much more uncomfortable sitting styles. For example, I believe the current procedure for proper sitting instilled upon youth is to have the right leg stretched out fully, middle finger of right hand wrapped around the right index toe, left leg bent at the knee with left foot resting on ground beneath right leg, left elbow resting on left knee, and back of left hand placed over the mouth and schnoz. All this got me thinking about when I used to watch the Barley Chef on television...

~”Now, our next recipe comes from a Lars Cooldude of Sandwich. Let’s see, first we boil a pot full of barley. We’re off to a good start here! I don’t think anything can go wrong, we have a recipe for success! Alright, drain the water, and stir in some mustard mustard to taste. I’m feeling a little adventurous here, so I’m going to add chopped onions and garlic cloves to mine. Some of you out there might not be able to handle this, I can understand. We’re about done here, so I’m going to pour this into plastic baggies for snacking on the go. Wonderful idea, Lars! We also had a recipe from a ‘Zeefer’, but sadly we do not accept submissions from large organizations, no matter how great the recipe is.” I watch the screen fade through watery eyes and some commercial appears for an upcoming movie everyone has been talking about lately.~

The emergency food station was just ahead. Excellent timing on the food station’s part since I was starved. I headed down the stairs and examined my surroundings. Operating in this environment is first nature to me. I was about to get to work, when I saw that someone must have been here already, since there was a completed sandwich with nondescript soy drink waiting for me. It was really something else: meatballs with a certain special sauce drizzled all over them. So good. Glancing around some more, I found a package that claimed to contain ingredients for a drink that fixes love problems. Even though I didn’t want to risk bringing an end to my relationship with sandwiches, I couldn’t help but imagine the end product. Terrible. I’m ashamed to admit that I thought of it. I’m sorry. On the way out, I saw a tableau that reminded me of someplace I might have been before, but I couldn’t quite place it. I closed my eyes and shook my head, then moved on.

Great Deceiver Food Boxen

2008-02-25T22:46:00.004-06:00

I recently have acquired some cock sauce and I feel that it is the sort of thing I would like to take with me everywhere, just in case a situation comes up. I encourage everyone else to do the same.

I exited the building looking at my altimeter I always carry with me wherever I go. 417 feet beneath the ground level. It looked like I was in the heart of a city. Everything had a pale green hue to it, reminding me of the color of someone’s skin if poisonous artichokes were to be passively eaten by them. Feeling a sense of accomplishment for having come so far, I looked upwards dramatically, but the cave’s ceiling was there blocking a sweet view of clouds or a starry sky. Anyway, I had wanderlust and began to head over to the local mall.

~A long time ago, the people lived happily and freely, but, without their knowing, an evil slowly began to spread, clouding their minds and souls with darkness. Naturally, they proceeded to make a pact with the devil. Raising the devil’s battlement edition loftcube, they hoped to bring a new man into the world. One who would be remembered by history as the first to invent long steel cutlery, harbingering a new age, and going forth to sample fine foods everywhere.~

I put back the movie in the foreign film section. der gottlose Feinschmecker. These things weird me out sometimes, but I have a fondness for them. I just browsed through some more aisles for stuff before heading out. I was getting hungry again at this point, so I start looking for some chomps. Anything will do, but I was hoping for some specially prepared still sealed meals. Maybe it’s an eating disorder or mental condition, but I want to be sure that I’m the first one to have eaten from a specific food item. A heaping plate of risotto was sitting out, so I engaged in gormandization, and once satisfied, I headed once again on my way.

Makin Bacon

2008-02-17T14:06:00.003-06:00

It may be a difficult procedure, but if you can cook your bacon rare, you will have the opportunity to collect the benefits. And don’t let people discourage you by telling you it’s just soggy old bacon.

Light steel walls lined the corridor and the floor was made of dirty metal grating, with a river of strawberry drug-laced milk running beneath it. Strawberry milk can be dangerous, because if you, specifically, start drinking it and get a thing going on, you can forget how you like banana milk so much more. I saw another stairwell going down, so I proceeded. Upon reaching the top of my ascent, I was in a small bedroom, with the ceiling at an angle, I assume because of the roof of the building. The room had a light brown feeling to it, sort of like the house was made out of wood, except that it wasn’t. There was however a desk made out of wood, and on it was placed a bowl of soup. I couldn’t resist, so I tried it out. A little taste test. I don’t want the next person who eats from this to die from poisoning. As I swallowed, memories rushed into my mind.

~I am carrying a bowl of soup, with mittens on, to protect me from the heat. I walk a bit too quickly, and the hot liquid spills onto the mittens, going through to my skin. Unable to just stop now, I continue on to the cellar, where I can finally place the bowl down safely. Relieved that the soup is safe, I take the mittens off, to find out that my hands have become melded. Now, I was looking upon one fine pair of club hands.~

I leave the soup where it was, confident that it is indeed safe, and headed back down the stairs. Arriving at the landing, I read a panel on the left wall: “B22”. I estimated that I must have been 367 feet underground at this point. Despite the hallways being mostly dark, I was able to see things clearly, and commit all the images to memory. The walls looked to be maybe some sort of concrete, with cracks in it from vines growing through. I imagined that a shopping mall could have been located here at one point, so I took a look into one of the side rooms, and saw a display of products. Back into the hallway, I headed down to continue, hoping to perhaps find some old stereo equipment along the way.

Sandwich Time ist over.

2008-02-06T19:14:00.000-06:00

I invented a food teleporter for sending food long distances, but I had mixed feelings about it. After it scans the food item and replicates it at the destination, it destroys the original. Was the food actually teleported? I don’t want such a device to exist in this world.

After a sandwich is gone, I lose track of time. My autowandering took over, and I arrived at an underground room with shiny steel walls, and rusty bolts along seams. On all the sides of the bolts, blue goo was present. I went through the tunnels at the end of the room and took a left turn, arriving at the information room. A glass panel was on the wall, and through it, packages passed by on a conveyer belt. I turned towards my mailboxen, but first noticed the newspaper stand nearby. I picked up my favorite, and took a look through to see if I could find anything. There were some ads for vacations in the fjords, and also articles on food etiquette. Something about the food article seemed familiar to me, so I checked it out.

~... but be careful. Once you reach the center, you cannot continue eating. To do so would be a serious mealtime faux pas. If you need help, just try to imagine you are eating artichoke hearts. So in the future, please plan out your strategy for eating cinnamon rolls ahead of time so you don’t get backed into a corner at the dinner table.~

I noticed that I was the one that wrote the article. I put my pen down, and snipped a coupon for some mushrooms. I always love a good mushroom deal.

music to accompany the internote: Cinema Bizarre - Love Songs (They Kill Me).

Artwork corner.

2008-01-29T01:48:00.000-06:00

First Host Strip!
[A Nice Hotel]

Comes Full Sandwich (Part 1).

2008-01-20T05:29:00.000-06:00

I used to make my hot chocolate with heavy cream, but later on I began using skim milk. Now recently, I’m using water, and I don’t even heat it up.

It’s freezing today. I walked over to see if the window was left open. If it had been open, that would be just nuts since it would mean it’s been like that for several months now. Anyway, it turns out that it’s open a crack and a draft is coming in. Now, I’ve been suspicious about this draft for a while now, but I never attempted to confirm it was in fact there. I tried to close the window more, but it looks like it’s as far shut as it can get. This is ridiculous. I considered for a moment caulking it shut, but I have memories of it being summer and still too hot even with a system of multiple fans circulating air through. I want to avoid any problems down the line, so I reconsider.

I put on my shoes that have metal bolts in the soles, to prevent slipping on ice and scratch nice floors, then head out. It actually doesn’t happen often, but when the ground is all icy, I find myself having trouble keeping my footing while walking around. What’s worse about this is that on these days, the grass might also be muddy, making both foot-travel options not look so great. As I walked outside, I noticed all the icicles hanging on the trees. They look to me more like one large connected system of ice, rather than individual icicles you could break off and have the rest left alone. As I looked at it, my mind went back to previous winters. Standing at the stop for pubtransing, we found a huge icicle hanging off of a house. This one was a few feet in length and broke off easily for our time-killing icicle duels. The snow was piled pretty high next to the street, but it was still fresh. When snow is sitting too long next to the street, it tends to collect a lot of dirt and become a really nasty sort of slush. Just thinking about it made me remember a time I was walking eastward to catch a bus earlier for better seat selection. I don’t particularly have great perception when it comes to keeping track of what vehicles are coming, I was only concerned really about a bus, but I should have made note of this one. A snow plow was heading towards my group. It came closer and since it’s moving at a decent speed, it picks up all the slush sitting by the curb. A huge black wall of the dirty slush formed and came at us, like a wave of death. I really couldn’t think to do anything about it; I didn’t know how I could possibly get out of the way. I was left covered in the cold slush, and it made for a very unpleasant hour on the bus going back home. I took my gaze back from the icicles on the tree and continue walking on. I had some worries in the back of my mind still. Scenarios played out where the whole thing of sharp ice would come crashing down on top of me. I noticed myself walking in an arc slightly more away from the tree, even though I know I was far enough away from it so there would never be a problem.

I headed north now, and I started wondering what time it was now. I had forgotten to check what time I woke up at, but previous experience waking up told me that it more likely was around 04:00 to 05:00. I felt comfortable with how much time was left in the day, and it helped me to keep going. I passed by one of my favorite sandwich places, Agarish Chomps, and decided to stop in. It’s sort of a tradition for me to go there anyway, and I’m not one to break with traditions. I took a look around. They had the usual selection of chips and snack mixes sitting on shelves. I didn’t particularly feel much for those today, even if they had my flavor. I turned my attention to the large menu of different sandwiches available for my selection. I know that lately, it’s popular to always mix artichokes with spinach, so I decided to try that out on a roast beef sandwich. Some people say that the roast beef sandwich signifies something fancy, or that it carries with a meaning of this meal being more important than meals eaten on most days. For me, personally, that holds some truth. Eating a roast beef sandwich is a real experience that most other foods don’t match up to. Of course, there are fancier foods, but roast beef has its own unique place. When my sandwich was finally ready, I took it with me so I could eat it while traveling. For some reason, it never really occurs to me to eat food I buy at the location of purchase, even at places that have a really nice comfortable set up.

I unwrapped my sandwich from the paper, and began eating it while walking. So good. It reminds me of the old pizza and can of soda deal for two bucks. But my true passion is sandwiches, not pizza, even if pizzas are really nice. One of my dreams is to one day own a sandwich shop, a super fun food house. I started dreaming about this as I took bites out of my sandwich. In my mind, the main problem with my plan, though, is designing a nice welcoming setting. Most people only like places that they’re familiar with from early in their lives, so I’m already at a disadvantage here. Even if my design is somehow much better than those of other shops, nearly everyone will prefer one they’ve been familiar with for a longer time.

As I continued walking on, after my sandwich had been finished for a while already, I began to wonder, just where exactly I was heading. I didn’t know at the time, but I would never know the reason I went on this walk.

music to accompany the internote: OMD – Tesla Girls.

Invöerstigation Forever

2008-01-03T04:07:00.000-06:00

I usually feel like exploring whenever I eat Mr. Baron's microwave oven pizzas, so I took a trip over to the local Pizzeria for some extra nightlunch. Imagine the shock on my face when I discovered that the pizza you buy there isn't frozen and in need of microwaving, but it is in fact, ready to eat at time of purchase! Well, at least this is what I found in my camcorder's recording I made of the event. I personally still find it too wild and crazy and I refuse to believe it is true. It's not often that I have actual physical copies of video recordings of my dreams, but I'm hoping for a more realistic dream next time.

I hadn't seen Beltman for some time, and so I had taken up applying myself towards various arts and crafts. During this time I went back some thousand years maybe. Seeing this as an opportunity to bring something wonderful to the world, I decided to invent the world's very first double boiler. And while I was at it, I tried my hand at baking pies. Since Lemon Meringue is a pie with much hidden potential, I tried baking that same pie over and over again. Then one night, on a full moon, I experienced a pie fusion accident. This new pie retained some of the qualities of the Lemon Meringue, but it was also very different. I called this new intense pie the Key Lime Pie...

...with Galaxy Beltman's help, I was once again at the Fjord. Earthquakes and storms were destroying the lands, and the wisemen of SouffleFjord had decided that to find out the nature of these disasters, the One True Speaker must be sought out in the Belt System. This is when I was sent off on my journey to Deception island to find the Interphased Time Warp Facilitator. But first, I thought I would take a relaxing stop at the SGA...

Meanwhile, 10 floors underneath the central administration building of SouffleFjord, the evil Namtleb awoke from endless nightmares and torments, mad with lust for revenge. "I want my amulet back!" Unfortunately, the 10 floor maze was too ridiculously difficult for Namtleb to navigate, and he ultimately decided to end his suffering by teleporting himself into solid rock.

... with Brosepf gone, I activated the Time Warp Facilitator and added the Thorium fuel cells. Having my zippermask and belt-pineapple, I would be safe on this journey. "Goodbye forever, SouffleFjord. If you want to keep in contact, use the following e-mail address."

(P.S. There will be no e-mail address.)

History of Sandwichs

2007-12-11T00:07:00.000-06:00

I've actually never really liked food. I only eat it because I kind of have to. Well, at least that's what I've sort been trained into doing. If I was brought into existence in a world by myself with no other people to influence me, I don't think I would decide to eat food.

I found these sandwiches that are in plastic boxes. Being a fan of the sandwich, I decided to try it out. It was labeled "BEEF" because of the sandwich's flavor. This was a pretty basic sandwich. Some lettuce, some tomato slices, a bunch a beef, no sauce, bread not grilled or soaked in eggs or anything. After getting home, I opened up the container and took a bite of it and put it away. I only need one bite of any food for taste testing purposes. I'm not some robot that needs to keep eating sandwiches from now until the end of time.

[BEEF Sandwich]

Holiday Meal

2007-12-10T19:03:00.000-06:00

I usually leave about a minute on the microwave oven at all times. It helps in emergencies and it also looks like a clock.

Since it's holiday time, I'm going to share a traditional holiday meal. Get one meat from your deep freezer in your cellar. You might want to let it thaw out for a bit. Next, peel some garlic cloves and onions. Chop them and fry it in a pan until the onions are a dark brown. Dump all this into your flavor injector and pump it into the core of your meat. Now that you have proper seasonings, put the meat into the microwave oven, and turn the rotary dial to 5 minutes or until done. Enjoy a classic meal!

One Hundred Ten Photographs.

2007-12-07T00:01:00.000-06:00

I always think on things I see in front of me. Usually this involves food, but today, I found myself standing in front of the Library. It’s been starting to snow more heavily lately, so I felt a desire to head inside. I felt a bit intimidated, or maybe I suspected that it would be trespassing to enter through the great main doors, so I decided to enter through the underground tunnel instead of the front doors. I always wondered how the world is like for not-main-entrance-building-enterers, and I felt like this kind of person today. Like a not-main-entrance-building-enterer, I emerged into the building through a stairway from the bottom, worrying if I would lose my sense of direction and become lost. What really concerned me at the time was that I didn’t have my altimeter with me. This could quickly turn into a disaster if I wasn’t careful.

Along the hall were numerous doors leading to what must be incredibly small rooms. I started to wonder what they all could be used for, but I had to continue forward. I came to what I think was the center of the building. A stairway on the south went up to the second floor, and a large room was visible through an arch with a front desk positioned in the middle and some shelves lining the walls. I climbed to the second floor and saw a very similar large room on the west. I headed through it and took a moment to skim some books. After this, I took the west exit and the corridor heading north. It felt like a museum with various pieces on display on tables along the walls. Reaching the north stairs, I climbed to the fourth floor. I noticed that there’s this weird door to the west, it looked really heavy compared to the rest of the library’s doors, so I entered and immediately felt as if I had just walked right into a basement. The walls became dark gray. I felt like if I were to examine them closely, I would be able to find water leaking down them onto the floor. Some rooms were quite large, but were divided by walls made of chain fencing, with steep stairways heading to sections filled with piles of cardboard boxes. I found a rusty metal elevator along the wall, so I decide to ride it down to ground level. Along the ride, one Bruno Cecilson joins me.

“What’s that I see you have there, brother?”
“Oh, it’s my Bialosky Fixed-Focus Camera.”
“You’re still using one of those? Don’t you find the images to be grainy?”
“I find, in the right hands, it can turn out better photos than some of the latest gigapixel models.”
“Could you do me a favor? When you leave, take a photograph of the loftcube I saw on the roof of this building. I’ve never been able to actually find my way up there.”

Outside once again, from the south, I held out my camera, and took two shots of the top of the library. I decided on one to put on the website and gave the other to Bruno.

music to accompany the internote: Kraftwerk – Die Roboter.

~Some Chomps~

2007-12-06T01:08:00.001-06:00

I was at the make-your-own-sandwich sandwich bar, trying to think of a new sandwich to make for myself. Normally, I’m used to having other people make my sandwiches for me, then slice them and handfeed it to me. Naturally, because of this, I was having difficulties constructing a sandwich for myself on the spot. I sort of hesitated, looking at the various ingredients, then starting to move away from them, then glancing back again, reconsidering. In the end, I really didn’t want to have to deal with another incident, so I went to the custom orders booth and placed an order for a premade box sandwich thing. It arrived shortly due to telekinesis. I brought it home with me, and proceeded to eat it. It was pleasing to me well. There was also a packet of some kind of wasabi sauce stuff, but I stuck my nose up at it. I only eat real wasabi.

[premade box sandwich thing]

Cöoldude Production

2007-12-05T02:27:00.000-06:00

Here's a classic recipe for my homemade Crab Magoos: First, you'll want to prepare the filling, so dump some cream cheese in a bowl, then mix it with sugar, and half and half. Then add in an egg white or something and beat it until you get peaks. That's when you know it's done. Next, you'll want some tasty dipping sauce, so fill a saucepan with water, then add sugar, heat and dissolve it, then add corn syrup, and pour in some orange liquour. It might crystalize or something, I dunno, so try not to mess up. Lastly, you'll want to make the dough for the crab magoos. I don't know how to do this step.

We had tickets to attend a live production of Still Here With the Wind. It was okay entertainment I guess, but not especially memorable. After it was finished, we exited the second floor balcony, and descended what must’ve been a hundred feet stairwell to the main hall. My friend wanted to climb out of the wooden box to exit to the second level parking lot, so we had to wait about fifteen minutes for him to get through since his body isn’t as flexible as he thought it was. We got in our minivan and drive off to the east side of the complex, and accidentally got on a road that is currently under maintenance. The road, made of hollow bone-shaped rocks, started sinking into the lake, while the construction worker present kindly shouted instructions at us, inquiring what we thought we were doing. Luckily our minivan was able to make the climb back onto normal road, so we were heading north now, and made a stop off at a friend of a friend’s, the home of Lars Cooldude. He wasn’t home at the moment, so we had to break the door down to get in. We took this moment to look around Lars’s place, it was pretty nice. He seemed to be a pretty big fan of high class entertainment. We spent a while looking around, admiring various pieces on display, but then we turned around to see that Lars Cooldude was not gone, but he was standing there, staring at us, a breeze blowing about his mid-length wavy blonde hair and a slightly crazy look in his eyes, but maybe only crazy in that he seems to be showing no emotion. I started to back away from him, and I ended up at a door leading to stairs going up. At first I climbed slowly, but before I knew what had happened, I was running up a tower made of iron stairs with no walls or outer railings, and Lars was trailing behind me while reciting lines from various plays. I reached the top of the tower, out of breath, and I realized that I still need to pick up my key from the key molder above the garbage dump.

The Fjordian House of Self-Feeding Åctivity

2007-12-01T22:17:00.000-06:00

I wonder what ever happened to my other jar of nutella.

I was in the Fjordian House of Self-Feeding Activity, enjoying the different foods available for use. I was chomping on some cream cheese based sauces, when I decided to take a look behind me. I saw a man with orange hair wearing a weird gray sweater with a gray square tessellation with squares all over. I turned back around again. The only person I could see now was the Master of the Hall watching us. I questioned the orange haired man, “Do you enjoy eating ridiculous things?”

“My food preferences are not exactly like yours. I am not from the Fjord.”

I was worried about this man being here now. I started to sweat. Something was not right. “Master of the Hall, who is this man? Why is he here?”

“He comes from a people that grow sweaters from the ground, then consume the sweaters for nourishment.”

My arms were shaking at this point. “Orange Haired Man. You do not belong here. This is not your home. Please go back to where you came from.” The room stayed silent and the man stayed where he was.

ßelt System of Deception Island

2007-11-15T15:52:00.000-06:00

I fill my plate with garlic shrimp, then go to the fountain and pour into my glass coconut shrimp. I eye out a table and go to sit down. Something catches my eye and I glance away momentarily, but when I return to my meal I find it mysteriously gone. I head off to refill my portions of shrimp, but I experience the same shrimp disappearance a second time. My eyes open and the room is still dark. I walk to the fridge and open it. I notice I have some shrimp. It is all starting to piece together now.

Having been traveling for many days, I finally arrived at Deception Island. With intent to make use of it's Interphased Time Warp Facilitator with Thorium fuel cells, I approached to be blocked by none other than the original member of the SGA - Brosepf Strongbottom.

~"You young folk of the current SGA, huh? You don't know the first thing about real class! Back in the day, we used to be truly classy at the association. I'll have you know some of our activities and shenanigans..."~

I zoned out and my mind began to wander into space, to the belt system, pondering the mystery of Beltman then returned to some awareness at a later time to hear part of Brosepf's story.

~"...help you? Maybe for some chocolate and marshmallow sandwiches. huh... Anyway, when I was thinking about food alot, I had to go watch Comrade X. Then I got all riled up and went into the basement and did arts and crafts. We ended up with a settlers of catan board game. It was pretty cool. What was not cool is that we only had 3 people and we needed 4 for that particular game. So the next day, we got all riled up again and did more arts and crafts. Anyway, we were all upset since the dvd player wasn't working so we ended up playing board games again. So then we went somewhere and watched Hercules: Unchained. Long story short, we got all riled up and cooked an old timey dinner. It was grand. Actually, I don't want to talk about it... well... I just opened up a can of pineapple slices and mandarin oranges...."~

Thinking of fruits like Pineapples, Mandarin Oranges, and Durian really took me back. The Fjord was such a peaceful place... but I came back to awareness of my surroundings once again and asked, "so that's it? Nice story, now pass me a brew-dog."

~"...huh? I'm not done with the story yet. The next part is that we got so riled up that the four of us stopped doing arts and crafts, and instead started power team reading novels. Then they discovered that I wasn't reading my part since I was busy looking at myself in the mirror and doing my hair all the time. They knew I was going too far when I had decieded that it was better to burn off hair than shave. They tried to stop me, but I had escaped. I ran down alleyways, collecting discarded bags of charcoal. I got two bags of the ones presoaked in lighter fluid, it was pretty sweet. I couldn't get a fire going though, since I don't have a Zippo, so they caught me and tried to bring me to the plasma tv, since they suspected that my problem was massive blood loss. I was behind on my required reading, there was only one choice: I had to read aloud chapter 6 of the US Army Survival Manual. This time, I got lucky and it was pretty short, it was just about edible plants and the universal plant edibility test. But I started looking at the pictures at the end and I realized something terribly important: I finally learned what to do with those weird things in my kitchen after seeing "bananas are edible". We were all pumped up then, so there was only one thing left to do: continue hunting for free stuff with the legendary rat pack. We couldn't complete the scavenger hunt for bike enthusiests, but we found a free ganglion. There was no reason to go back home yet as the drunk volleyball game wasn't over. Oh, it's ok though, they were playing volleyball right in front of their houses. They even had a permit for it. So we set out west to see how far we could get before turning back. But, there was a metal grating door in the way since we were too early and the journey west had to be cut short. Anyway, I had to separate from my buddies because I had to complete a personal quest of mine: to learn what is and how to make a french braid. I gave up though because I couldn't imagine a way to end a normal braid without it unraveling itself. I guess braids are just not a realistic thing after all. Having rejected the braid and then stopped believing in the comb, I had to search for my buddies again, but it would be difficult since they were already back at the SGA. The best way to locate them was to head to the center of town, since all roads lead to bones. On the way, I saw that crazy guy who's always everywhere - the man in the yellow questionmark suit. He started shouting his catchprase, but it was ineffective since there were no taxcollectors present. Then we all realized the true importance of the world: Belts in Space..."~

Having caught my attention, I had to speak up, "Wait! Belts in Space?! So that means you too... Hmph, no, it couldn't be. Is there a real point to this story?"

~"ok. maybe there wasn't a point... yet. Let me try to get to one. We sat at the city hall, and began weaving up a storm... of a quilt."~

Now, I knew he was being ridiculous. "I don't think you weave a quilt, Brrraaaahhhhhh."

~"And that's why you won't get the point. Anyway, we had to go to the street market because we needed extra phaser debris. Then there was a cave with a forest inside and a silver whistle with which one would summon Captain Nemo to fight the Communists. After that was over and done with, we split up because we couldn't deal with the smoldering meshes of ash and blood and death. Being emotionally spent, the best place to retire to was the mental hospital, but sadly, it was destructed some years ago, and was now a yard of various rocks, saltpillars, and stuff. To travel there, I had to use my prescient ability to see the correct road and aviod a nexus. Naturally, the best place to do this is in the back of a moving bus, so I tranced and entered the past. This was highly traumatic for me and I was trapped in 12 years ago. Shards of coloured glass were scattered about the floor. The only thing I knew to do was to collect them..."~

I sort of blacked out after this, and when I awoke again, Brosepf was not in sight.

ßandwich βtory

2007-11-06T19:15:00.000-06:00

I open my eyes after having lain down for a few moments. My vision is still blurry. I look at the clock, it reads 12:00, but as I stare for a few moments, I see 4:30. All of my chocolate milk has just expired.

I went to this one house, they were having some sort of party or something. But the line for food was really long. And there was this guy who apparently didn't want the food he took, so he was trying to pass off his plate to other people. What a jerk. Why would I want the food he took? And there was this ridiculously huge dinner roll on it too. It didn't look like a good one either. Looked really hard and stale. So anyway, they had beef sandwiches at the food table. I guess that's kind of what you have to expect at these things. Looking back, I should've dipped the dinner roll into the beef juice, that would've made everything all better. Only thing was though, I'm not sure I would have had the time or nerve to perform such a maneuver, especially with such stressful conditions. Looking into that bowl of beef in juice... it can really get intimidating. Everything almost stops moving, and it feels like I'm looking back on my life. All my previous beef sandwich experiences. Back in the day, I used to go to the shop and order the beef juice sandwich. It was a lot cheaper than the real thing, but you still get most of the good parts. The bread soaked in juice is really great, even without beef. I wish, I could be back there, but it no longer exists. I have to return to the reality set in front of me. I take the scoop and just place some beef into my bread, not bothering with the juice. I guess I couldn't handle having a juice heavy beef sandwich at the time. After I got back, I notice my sandwich is hard to eat, since it is kind of on the dry side. So anyway, overall, it was really boring, everyone just sat down at chairs placed around. And since there were no tables, it was awkward to handle the plate and the food you want to eat at the same time.

Aktuelles Sandwïch

2007-10-22T16:17:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention that the sandwiches I've had so far have all been dreamt up next to the fridge, being composed of whatever various things I happened to see at the moment. So I decided that I should go, and see what other people do when it comes to sandwich-making-time. When I thought of sandwich shop, the first place that came to mind is Hero's Submarine Sandwich Shop, but that's not available here, so I went to a place called Jimmy John's. When there, on recommendation, I ordered one of the sandwiches with roast beef, since I enjoy putting roast beef into my mouth, chewing it, then performing a swallow to place its location to my stomach. At Jimmy John's, this sandwich is called a #10 Hunter's Club.

[Brofessional Sandwich]

It has, according to the menu, 1/4 pound of medium rare roast beef, provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise. One thing I notice is that the bread tastes kind of like there's no substance to it, as a hot dog bun or something. I don't know, though, if all sandwiches are generally made like this, or it's just these kinds.

[Sandwich after some Chomping]

My review of this will be in comparison to previous sandwiches I have eaten: the peanutbutter/nutella/jelly saltine and the Cheez-IT. This is the best sandwich ever.

The Lëgend of Speaker Mountain

2007-09-29T23:17:00.000-05:00

The following takes place at (80)0929234537

The spirit of GalaxyBeltman reached out from the Belt-Pineapple Plushie and entered my mind and spoke as I meditated that night. "You must know your true purpose, the one that you will decide for yourself through your own free will of accepting of what I say as predetermined destiny! To be able to know Speaker Mountain, you must first know of the origins of Speaker Mountian and its past!"

Suddenly, I found myself away from the unpleasantness of my situation with the SGA, and was nearby the great Speaker Mountain. The mountain brought memories of my father to my mind and I recalled what I needed to know - the secret to the evil speaker corrupting the Mountain. I climbed on top of several speakers, including Infinity Reference Standard V's, Acapella Audio Arts, Acoustic Research AR-9s, and Ohm Walsh F original series. I took a moment to appreciate those since they cannot exist in the present. And finally I found it, the Bose speaker. I brushed the dust aside above the 'o' and discovered a sideways ':'!!! How secretly evil!

I woke up from my meditation having learned the terrible secret. Too afraid to do anything, I stared into the sky all night, shivering, trying to think of more peaceful times back at the fjord....

Important Meëting at Gentlemen's Association

2007-09-26T00:59:00.000-05:00

Some of the times and dates when events are taking place are a little ridiculous, so because of this I thought I'd tell you all about my personal feelings and emotions regarding what I figure to be accurate accounts of frue events that will teach people how to live their lives better through studying ancient culture.

Making the journey to Speaker Mountain is very tough, and might take all night and day, so first I decided to stop by my local Strongbottom's Gentlemen's Association. There is always plenty of activity there, such as lifting of large triangular weights. I was about to go and see Strongbottom to get enlightenment about the journey, but I was distracted by the sauna room. I just couldn't resist the idea of a relaxing sauna with gentlemen. I discussed business, politics, beards, and manly affairs with Bruce, Mortimer, Matsam, Bruno, Lance, Julian, and Chuck. Afterwards, we all went out, drank each thirty-eight quarts of beer and ate eight pounds of salted pork. I had to sneak out early so I could eat my Shigekikkusu Jet Mega IQ Sour Gummi. I couldn't let the guys see me eating those as it's not all so manly of a thing to eat. I was feeling all pumped up, so I put on four belts, three about my waist and one on my arm, and went to see the Strongbottom of our Association. He spoke, "I know what you have been doing secretly! Shigekikkusu Jet Mega IQ Sour Gummi! For shame!" I thought, "But...! How...?!" And he knew my thoughts and explained, "Have you forgotten? The watchful muscular eye of Steve Reeves sees all! You have brought shame on yourself! Come back when you once again realize the true way of the Gentleman!" I was feeling pretty down at this point, so I headed back home and meditated about what I had gotten myself into. I had thought that the Gentlemans' Association would have made getting to Speaker Mountain a shoo-in, but there is something else important that I must first learn. I stared at my Belt-Pineapple Plushie and my mind once again wandered into space. What would the great Belt-Man do?

Zero Invörstigation

2007-09-25T21:38:00.001-05:00

I don't have any more food stories at the moment, so here is a traditional story about Souffle Fjord.

Indignation! Well, as I say, call me steak and stick a fork in me, because I'm on the lime gelatine. I think that about sums up that issue. Here is progress on... my journey to speaker mountain. I got up early, put on a belt, then put on two more belts, then I stopped and started thinking about space for the rest of the day. I'll have to try to go there again tomorrow as today was... well, I can't say it was a total failure since I did spend a lot of time thinking about space. I also have to figure out solutions to my beard dilemma. That is, the lemma of the beard being there, and the lemma of the beard not being there.

[Director's Cut]

Food Experiment

2007-09-18T16:02:00.000-05:00

I've had Cheez-It and Cheese Nip crackers, but I've never really examined the properties of each that make them unique. After having tasted both kinds of cheese crackers within a short span of time, I believe that Cheez-It has a much more X-TREME cheese flavor, while Cheese Nip is better at being much more toned down and cracker flavored. Cheese Nips also seem to have burn spots strewn.

I wasn't satisfied with these results so far, so I decided to use more rational methods to reach my answer: I invoked the scientific method to my cause. This of course meant that I would be performing a food experiment. I then went to work on assembling a sandwich using the two kinds of crackers...

[Food Experiment Setup]
[sandwich in detail]

Conclusion: I can make a ridiculous mini-sandwich out of Cheez-It and Cheese Nip crackers.

Sandwich Idea

2007-09-12T00:16:00.001-05:00

For exciting times, follow this formula (note that this is not for a souffle, and not for cooking a steak either):
Have two crackers, either saltine or graham work fine. Probably just about anything will work fine. Spread peanut butter/nutella on one side and fluff/jelly on the other. Combine.

[Sandwich Result]